YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I am grateful for this forum. To demonstrate why, I will compare it to the big social media site.

I have struggled with underearning for almost ten years. That means I consistently have been un- and underemployed, so that I have not met my basic needs.

IRL my friends have struggled with failed marriages, arrests, getting fired, grown children fucking up, unintended pregnancy, homelessness, cutting, mental illness.

How much of the above do I see right now on fakebook?

(As a summer Sunday morning at the end of a four day weekend*, this is a skewed sample, but is reality.)

*For those lucky people who have jobs!

This is a list of the first ten or so posts in my feed:

Wedding
Stroll with significant other
Repost of "Life is hard, but I have hope" picture (something approaching honesty!)
4th of July cookout
Travel destination
Another "LIfe sucks, but hope" reposted illustration
Brunch at cafe
Indie movie theater visit

There is nothing wrong with the above. In fact, they are good.

But what I have lost by having only the "good"!! How much richer fakebook could be if we would dare to be honest about ourselves.

Why can't I post:

"Hey! I have struggled with underearning for ten years. I have missed out on a lot of joy, but I am taking steps, however humble, to correct it. Still, I fear for tomorrow."

Then, my friend could post:

"Hey oak, I also underearn. Meanwhile, my media conglomerate employer won't pay me enough to get medicine for my bipolar"

I could reply:

"Wow, friend! While I don't struggle with bipolar (at this moment, so far as I know), I truly connect with you as a person! We both have human feelings due to underearning! We are both a little less alone."

Instead: wedding, travel, etc. Surface shit.

That is why I am grateful for this forum. We can be honest.

I think what it boils down to in the end is the anonymity this site provides. On facebook, I always worry about my privacy. I used to write a lot of angsty statuses, which were usually lyrics from songs. One time I quoted the Cat Power lyric "Sometimes I wish I'd never been born," which I was really identifying with at the time ( again, angst ). My cousin saw this and told her mom, who took it upon herself to call my mom and tell her she was worried that I'm suicidal. What the fuck. I mean, I know when you put stuff out there it's up to other peoples interpretation, but that was the last straw for me. That just hit too close to home in feeling like my diary was out there for all to see, so I've always been careful about what I posted there ever since for how it might be misconstrued.

I'm having a tough time with facebook. Over the past month I've deactivated it no less than 5 times and I keep logging back in to connect with people I don't have phone numbers for and I always feel so defeated, being in that place again. Looking for conversation and never finding it. I wonder what the point is of us being linked in such a superficial way.

None of you I know in real life, so whatever I say here is on my terms. It has no chance of getting to someone else in my family, saying "I'm worried about him. He seems so negative". See, the truth is, and I've posted it a million times, but I'm really quiet and shy around people. So they just think I'm a sweetheart, a poet, an artist. When actually I'm repressing so much and have such anxiety in the presence of most people that when I DO get to express myself on my accord, it can seem pretty nasty. I've had to use the function to hide a lot of people from seeing my statuses ( aunts, mostly ) just so I can vent about whatever I'm pissed off about at the moment. I'm so over that site, I can't think of anything positive it's done for me besides a few good chats with old friends. Other than that it's a fucking abhorrent place, representing a plastic, surface level culture that I'm completely against in my life. So thanks for reminding me to deactivate again, oak.

I also really feel comfortable and enjoy being here. I'm going to try to be more active on the board, maybe I'll start by listening to some of the new episodes, it's been a few weeks. This place has been very therapeutic from me, I've gotten so much off my chest that I could never even say to my closest friends, family or a therapist. I'm just glad to find a community on the internet where I feel like a person again.

Hear hear!

I sincerely hope that those people who struggle believing that they are not living up to "expectations" can see through the crap that is posted on Fakebook.

When I am struggling/was struggling I stop(ped) pretending. When people ask how I am, I answer honestly, THINGS SUCK FOR ME RIGHT NOW!

It is the people who relate, who share their stories, who welcome me with understanding that I want in my life. What's the point in being yourself if you can't actually be yourself?

I left Facebook for specific reasons in January and 6 months later I still don't want to be back on it. Sure I miss hearing about some people, but the freedom of not worrying if people "liked" my post and seeing all the BS on there is worth it.

I would also like to mention that I know folks who use Fakebook to prove more than how great their lives are. They use it to show how smart, well read, informed they are. Constantly posting news stories and items of interest to show just how interesting they are. I firmly believe that if you have to constantly "prove" something about yourself, then it probably isn't there.

We should start a revolution. Honesty before vague "inspiring" quotes!

I agree with all of the above. Jose is right - the anonymity is what makes it safe. And yet, it provides a safe place to test out the assumptions that everyone is going to react negatively and judge us when we put the real "me" out there. And that provides confidence to try to do that in real life a little more. I have been a little more bold in posting potentially provocative statements on Fakeblock. My therapy group has been a godsend, also, in teaching me that even without anonymity or hiding behind the interwebs, in a real life setting where people actually know my name and where I work and live, I can fess up some of my deepest, darkest fears and secrets to people and not just survive the experience, but grow stronger. It's hard to be authentic and genuine to everyone, but I have that as a goal. I hope that someday I can do it.

Honesty and vulnerability are great virtues, but the ability to protect oneself from harm is even greater. Find the right people to talk to, find your place, find your tribe, but watch where you're looking out for this, just like you would mind where you buy your food.

I think it is noble to still practice some form of openness even on superficial plattforms like Facebook, but not at the expense of one's safety. And Facebook is everything but safe.

Thanks for your posts. Agreed!

I guess fakebook makes me sad for two reasons:

1. While fb could have been a way to truly connect with another person, it has become to a certain degree just another way to hit people over the head with shame, particularly because....

2. Not that I ever had much expectation for internet privacy, but since we have to invite "friends", one would think it would be somewhat private.

I am okay with certain information being public knowledge, for example the information on my drivers license. Background or credit checks are fine (with consent) for employment or financial transactions.

But if I am scared of losing professional opportunities of because of what is on my "personal" site, with zero mention of any professional identifiers, then what is the worth of that way of "connecting"?

So we are, I am, cowed into not expressing myself fully because of what "they" will think.

For example, while I am neither strongly conservative or liberal, I am afraid of offending my stridently liberal friends or my stridently conservative friends by taking a stand on anything.

For example, I was working poor from 2009 to 2012.

If I were to post, using all "I" statements: "From my own experience, it was difficult for me to be working poor", I could reasonably expect a "bootstraps" lecture.

In other words, something that is ostensibly meant to connect often drives apart, and only on the most superficial topics.

Or, on deep topics like religion or politics or the realities of being working poor, that are discussed only on the most superficial level.

Yeah, Facebook can sometimes be a real deal breaker. When you see people that you liked before post some ignorant or plain stupid stuff I almost wish they hadn't been so open about themselves. -.-

And, two months later, its over.

A week ago I took a hard look at my online activity and visibility.

When it came to fakebook, I realized: "This isn't helping me. Fuck this shit."

In the end, I left fb for what it is, and what it isn't.

As I wrote above:

1. What fb is: Pictures of weddings, food, vacations, happy children are all fine.

What I would have loved...LOVED....(sorry but not really for the all caps) would be if someone posted this:

"Hey friends. Eighteen months ago my new spouse and I posted pictures here of us on our wedding day. We had pictures of us staring lovingly into each others eyes, exchanging rings, and sharing cake. Those pictures were fine so far as they went. We didn't recognize it then, but recognize it now that splashing wedding pictures everywhere may have offended those desire to be married but are not, and that we were insensitive to our LGBT friends who are constitutionally banned from marrying in our state."

My hypothetical dream post to read would continue:

"Since Katie and I posted our wedding pictures so publicly, we decided to also announce equally publicly that we have decided to end our marriage effective [date]. Though the marriage didn't work out, I wish Katie well."

See what I am getting at, forum friends?

If some bragged publicly about something (marriage, vacation, adult children), they would be socially required to post about when that same situation fell apart.

Had there been more honesty, I would still be on it fb.

2. On the other hand, I saw a coarsening and increasingly decisive "dialogue" about religion and politics.

As a 37 year old, I was raised to not discuss religion or politics socially, in order to respect the other person's closely held convictions.

I am sorry to report that religion and politics were increasingly used as ways to hit people over the head with shame. I am so over accepting or giving shame! So fucking over.

I suppose I'll miss staying in touch with certain people via fakebook.

On the other hand, most of my "friends" were not currently in my IRL; they were from my past. While I don't want to ignore people from my past, I have my hands full here in the present.

Leaving fb is a form of decluttering. This summer I threw away 3/4 of my possessions, stuff I wasn't using anymore.

The only thing that makes me sad is that fakebook could have been so much more, a real way to connect.

For me, it became another way for people to shame others.

Ergo, time for me to leave.

(I still love this forum, though. Real people!)

A lot of what's been posted here definitely resonates. There was a time when I was referring to Facebook in my head as "The Envy Machine" — a machine for generating the feeling that you're somehow inadequate, failing or missing out on life because the pictures from your own life are nowhere near as exciting, shiny, etc.

A former colleague of mine who does a lot of work on positive psychology pointed me to Happier, a social network site directed towards purposeful sharing of happy things.

My first knee-jerk reaction was cynicism. I realized after a while that while it could be viewed that way, it could also be seen as a place where people were attempting to cultivate something different in one's self in the presence of others gathered to do the same for themselves. It's given me permission to express gratitude or enjoyment for small things, in ways that I see some people do on FB, but that I'm not yet comfortable doing there, for one reason or another, and I see that in what others post too.

Perhaps some of you might like it: http://happier.com.

So I took the desired action and deleted my fakebook account around Labor Day, so I guess six weeks ago.

The phoniness, the religious strife that was often a race to the bottom, and the classism all deeply annoyed me. But had it been just that, I'd still be on.

What ultimately drove me away was the political divisiveness. My gosh.

Fakebook makes me sad, because it could have been so much, a way to really connect with others. Instead of vulnerability it became pictures of vacations, fancy meals, and other shit I can't afford.

In other words, just another way to hit people over the head with shame.

The message being "Not Enough!".

Dude, I am over hearing that message. I want to hear a message of truth and reality, even if that reality hurts. I don't want to compare and despair anymore.

Ergo, this very forum is much more healing for me. Much love.