You can't make another person feel as you wish?
Posted: August 31st, 2013, 6:51 am
In Episode 129 with Dr. David Hirohama, there was a comment made that I have heard and read about before. But, I still have issues with it.
It goes something like this. Paul and Hirohama agreed that a person cannot make another feel as they want them to. They talk about an example that the doctor brings up. He has a couple who are patients. The guy says that his partner makes him doubt himself. The doctor then asks to get into that a little deeper. Is it really possible for someone else to make you feel as they want? No, he says, because it's really ultimately your choice how you feel.
I think I understand what they mean. But, here's my issue. A parent can and should make a child feel loved, protected, safe. It is not the child's choice if they want to feel this way or deny it. By the same token. A parent can make a child feel unsafe, ignored, despised. Does the child choose if they want to feel this? I don't think it's 100% the child's choice. But, let's say that by these examples, a child, because of their immaturity or lack of experience, has difficulty choosing how they feel.
Then, let's take adults as an example and, as I have learned in group therapy, I will talk for myself. Years ago, I used to dress up real nicely for my husband's family gatherings. His female relatives hated me for it. They even went on to say that I dressed good on purpose to make them feel bad. (Like, WTH?!) At first, I felt confused because I wore what I liked and what made me feel good about myself. I never even had them on my mind as they thought! The thing is that this went on for years. Then, there came a time when I was afraid that what I chose to wear would offend them or make them feel less than whatever. What I mean is that, with their insistence, I have changed how I feel about what I wear when I go visit them. I bet they don't even care anymore, but my mind is still affected by what they wanted me to feel.
You might say, they won. I chose to comply to their wishes, but it was always my decision. But, what was I to do?
Even the doctor had a problem feeling sort of harassed by the driver who was tailgating him on a cleared out highway! He has a doctorate in psychology, plus he practices meditation. What I mean is, he has the tools to work a feeling out. A feeling that someone else provoked him to feel.
What about all those other adults who don't have tools like these? Do they still have a choice about how they feel? Or is it that they have a choice of what they do about it?
I think it's the latter.
It goes something like this. Paul and Hirohama agreed that a person cannot make another feel as they want them to. They talk about an example that the doctor brings up. He has a couple who are patients. The guy says that his partner makes him doubt himself. The doctor then asks to get into that a little deeper. Is it really possible for someone else to make you feel as they want? No, he says, because it's really ultimately your choice how you feel.
I think I understand what they mean. But, here's my issue. A parent can and should make a child feel loved, protected, safe. It is not the child's choice if they want to feel this way or deny it. By the same token. A parent can make a child feel unsafe, ignored, despised. Does the child choose if they want to feel this? I don't think it's 100% the child's choice. But, let's say that by these examples, a child, because of their immaturity or lack of experience, has difficulty choosing how they feel.
Then, let's take adults as an example and, as I have learned in group therapy, I will talk for myself. Years ago, I used to dress up real nicely for my husband's family gatherings. His female relatives hated me for it. They even went on to say that I dressed good on purpose to make them feel bad. (Like, WTH?!) At first, I felt confused because I wore what I liked and what made me feel good about myself. I never even had them on my mind as they thought! The thing is that this went on for years. Then, there came a time when I was afraid that what I chose to wear would offend them or make them feel less than whatever. What I mean is that, with their insistence, I have changed how I feel about what I wear when I go visit them. I bet they don't even care anymore, but my mind is still affected by what they wanted me to feel.
You might say, they won. I chose to comply to their wishes, but it was always my decision. But, what was I to do?
Even the doctor had a problem feeling sort of harassed by the driver who was tailgating him on a cleared out highway! He has a doctorate in psychology, plus he practices meditation. What I mean is, he has the tools to work a feeling out. A feeling that someone else provoked him to feel.
What about all those other adults who don't have tools like these? Do they still have a choice about how they feel? Or is it that they have a choice of what they do about it?
I think it's the latter.
