YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Sharing a bit of my story here to see if anyone else has had an experience like this. (I've started and backtracked like 3 times wondering which board to post to and finally settling on this one. Something tells me there is no perfect fit!)

A couple months ago I realized that all of my friends were really having a hard time supporting me. They'd watched me say the same things, make the same excuses, fall victim to the same traps, for anywhere from one to three years. I could tell they were having a hard time watching me make no progress.

So I decided for my own sanity, and at the advice of some books I was reading as I was gaining more insight into my issues, to go pretty much cold turkey on friends. I didn't go cold turkey on people — I'm involved in a lot of volunteering, all of which I've kept up, and there is still the arms' length interaction of Facebook and Twitter. When it came to certain friends who I'd been sharing my struggled with, I just decided there was something not quite to my liking about the way I was reading judgment into their behaviour, or judging myself for having judgmental thoughts about them that I just didn't have the energy to deal with and work through properly given how much trouble I was having just keeping myself on-track with my own goals (instead of numbing myself out of confronting the obstacles in my life). I more formally told one friend six months ago that I didn't think I could be a very good friend to her (as she has a small mountain to climb on her own); and less formally, I simply stopped calling, making plans and talking to one friend about 6 weeks ago (she got really busy with school so that made it really easy).

In the time since, I've found that I've been able to make substantial progress on some personal projects (with a swift kick in the butt from my partner, and some self-directed reading into The Artist's Way); I've done some much, much, much needed soul-searching on some very deeply-embedded patterns around my family, how I idealize people, how I respond to shame, how I react when people are angry, etc., and started to rebuild the slightest of beginnings of a solid foundation of self-worth, self-love and confidence that allows me to breathe and respond proactively to the negative reinforcements I can't entirely shake, but also can't live with in the way I used to. I'm not out of the woods, not by a long shot, but I am allowing myself to even dream a little again about a person I can be, and not have it come from a place of desperation for attention, or profound insecurity about what would happen to me if I don't achieve those goals perfectly. I still procrastinate and freeze up, but I'm hoping I'm on my way to no longer let it be the only game in town, so to speak, in my head.

I have a birthday coming up. Some of my friends have expressed a desire to do things for me. Given that so many of my issues concern a low-grade form of unintentional lying to people about how good/bad things are; and that I've lately been getting some comfort from shutting people way so I can be deeply honest with myself; I guess I'm just a little fearful. Will letting people back in threaten the progress I've made in being honest with / good to myself in the ways that have really made a difference? Will I fall into my old habits with my friends, going back to inflating my ego to avoid holding space where I acknowledge how badly things are going for me (and in my mind/heart, being a burden)? Do I have the strength to say that this is what I'd need from a friend, and risk their rejection in speaking the truth of what's been hard for me — especially when I still see so much work ahead of me for communicating what I actually want/need from my friends?

I don't even know if I'm ready to even just tell them what's been going on with me — that's how fresh and raw it all still is. Because I'm still interacting with people for work, I don't exactly feel isolated, but I do wonder if at some point this will get unhealthy.

(I'm not seeing a therapist due to monies, although I was attending a weekly group on mindfulness back in June/July. I talk a little, but not a ton, to my partner about this — the conversations veer more towards changes in my behaviour and, when they happen, about the insights I've made about my thinking/feeling that affect how he feels like he can act around me. IOW, I don't tend to dump on him.)

Has anyone done this? Got any tips on re-connecting or determining the "right" balance of space to one's (formerly close) friends, and space for healing one's own self?

SC

Hello SmartCookie!

I cannot help you. I withdrew from friends because I saw them as a distraction from personal growth. But I probably isolate too much. I am intellectually aware I should be in some group meetings, but I allow the isolation to persist.

I did read this not sure what to say except maybe you can start telling one or two of your friends and see how it goes before progressing to others.

I think it sounds like you've done some good work and definitely don't think a birthday party (or something similar) would jeopardize it. If you've made good progress, it's fine to start to re-integrate your relationships. There really isn't a "right" way to do it - you were observant enough to realize that it was best for you and your friends to have a break, and it sounds like you'll still be observant enough to notice if this re-integration is too much. You're still getting social contact, but relationships are important, too - you don't have to go all out.

But, I'd say do what you've done now - trust your instincts. Watch the people you're with. It sounds like you have good awareness now and can easily access that again. Who knows - it might be a good venture, considering you say you feel you've done good work with yourself.

Thank you all for reading and responding.

@manuel_moe_g: Good perspective. Your response is reminding me that it's no one's business but my own whether or not I prioritize my own growth. Cultivating that thought takes a lot of effort so I welcome the reminder.

@gfyourself: Good suggestion. I may be leaning towards that. It's really only those closest one or two that would have been in a position to notice anything different, frankly. But this is making me consider whether there are ways I can ramp it up, not go Full Disclosure from the word go as soon as I reconnect with them.

@fifthsonata: Many thanks for your kind insights and keen observations. Much of what you're saying is reminding me that I may never feel completely done or ready, and maybe that's just something to accept and move through. I don't have to let the fact that I feel that way seemingly all the time, stop me completely from doing the things I want to. I guess part of it is letting myself ease myself into it by coming up with some concrete images of what it means not "to go all out" with people that I have historically had poor boundaries with (we are talking people I've known over 15 years) and learning how to cut a new path forward in the way I interact with them, based on a model that's not me seeking to compensate for my perceived inadequacies through my relationship with them.

*deep breath*

SC