Overwhelming feelings from seemingly nothing
Posted: September 13th, 2013, 8:21 am
As usual, I have no idea if this is the right forum for this. Anyway.
It should be obvious to me, but it took my psychiatrist telling me about a month ago that I am super sensitive to supposed rejection. Even when I am not actually being rejected by anyone, I feel it. Even when I didn't want something, I feel hurt when not offered and like I want to cry and like I am a child again. It's so cliche it's like nails on a chalkboard. I hate the sound of the words and typing it is no better, but daddy issues is what I have. It makes me want to vomit with how lame that is. I don't want to have it. I was rejected over and over again by a narcissistic asshole who I want nothing to do with, so how can this be rejection? How is it rejection when I don't want to be near him in the first place? I despise him and more how it has effected me and more how if he was different I could have had a good life. I do have a good life now. I do, but there is a lingering film over everything of "daddy issues" and "abandonment" and "rejection from your own family how rancid must you be." Intellectually I know it had nothing to do with me, but it doesn't stop my throat from closing.
Last night, I was with my mother at a take out place. She ordered the food and I waited there while she popped over to the grocery store next door to buy some chicken. I was sitting there, waiting for 20 minutes while I watched the cook diddle about, doing nothing and ignoring our order. I sat there, not knowing what to do, not wanting to be rude and assume he was ignoring us, but progressively feeling laughed at and less than and again I felt my throat close and my eyes sting like "oh right, I am disposable." I sat thinking about why I felt this way, all the analyzing not lessening how I actually felt. I thought about how I never yelled at my father, how I avoided conflict, how I can't calming argue with anyone without shaking because, I always wanted to say something, I always wanted to yell at him and I never did and now I don't even receive horrible, nasty, disgusting emails anymore that I do not want to read, but some part of me maybe needed that only form of attention that he could provide and then maybe I would have summoned the courage and said, "no, you don't know me, you don't define me, fuck right off now and forever. You can't reject me, I am rejecting you." That is what I want to say. "I rejecting you. I don't want you. You are the problem. I was 13 and you were an asshole to me and you left me and that is your fault and not mine." But as I no longer receive those horrible emails, all communications are down and it's like I am still the one who has been rejected, even while I never replied to his emails, even while I didn't answer his phone calls, I am still the one who was rejected.
After 20 minutes, the cook went on break, leaving the frying pans on. At this point, I walked up to the counter, waiting for someone to maybe notice me. The manager came out and was surprised I was still here as she had seen me sitting there before. She got my food and helped me and gave me a discount and apologized for the wait. I smiled and said "it's not your fault" and "don't worry" and "you guys are busy" and "these things happen." And she was sweet and thanked me and even as I was back in the car with my mother, I still felt like I wanted to cry.
It's just weird these little things that make me feel all these things. I don't want to feel rejected by nothing.
It should be obvious to me, but it took my psychiatrist telling me about a month ago that I am super sensitive to supposed rejection. Even when I am not actually being rejected by anyone, I feel it. Even when I didn't want something, I feel hurt when not offered and like I want to cry and like I am a child again. It's so cliche it's like nails on a chalkboard. I hate the sound of the words and typing it is no better, but daddy issues is what I have. It makes me want to vomit with how lame that is. I don't want to have it. I was rejected over and over again by a narcissistic asshole who I want nothing to do with, so how can this be rejection? How is it rejection when I don't want to be near him in the first place? I despise him and more how it has effected me and more how if he was different I could have had a good life. I do have a good life now. I do, but there is a lingering film over everything of "daddy issues" and "abandonment" and "rejection from your own family how rancid must you be." Intellectually I know it had nothing to do with me, but it doesn't stop my throat from closing.
Last night, I was with my mother at a take out place. She ordered the food and I waited there while she popped over to the grocery store next door to buy some chicken. I was sitting there, waiting for 20 minutes while I watched the cook diddle about, doing nothing and ignoring our order. I sat there, not knowing what to do, not wanting to be rude and assume he was ignoring us, but progressively feeling laughed at and less than and again I felt my throat close and my eyes sting like "oh right, I am disposable." I sat thinking about why I felt this way, all the analyzing not lessening how I actually felt. I thought about how I never yelled at my father, how I avoided conflict, how I can't calming argue with anyone without shaking because, I always wanted to say something, I always wanted to yell at him and I never did and now I don't even receive horrible, nasty, disgusting emails anymore that I do not want to read, but some part of me maybe needed that only form of attention that he could provide and then maybe I would have summoned the courage and said, "no, you don't know me, you don't define me, fuck right off now and forever. You can't reject me, I am rejecting you." That is what I want to say. "I rejecting you. I don't want you. You are the problem. I was 13 and you were an asshole to me and you left me and that is your fault and not mine." But as I no longer receive those horrible emails, all communications are down and it's like I am still the one who has been rejected, even while I never replied to his emails, even while I didn't answer his phone calls, I am still the one who was rejected.
After 20 minutes, the cook went on break, leaving the frying pans on. At this point, I walked up to the counter, waiting for someone to maybe notice me. The manager came out and was surprised I was still here as she had seen me sitting there before. She got my food and helped me and gave me a discount and apologized for the wait. I smiled and said "it's not your fault" and "don't worry" and "you guys are busy" and "these things happen." And she was sweet and thanked me and even as I was back in the car with my mother, I still felt like I wanted to cry.
It's just weird these little things that make me feel all these things. I don't want to feel rejected by nothing.
it's such a hard thing to remember that there is always someone going thru the same things.
