Thank you guys, you really have given me a lot to think about. I feel ashamed a lot, but this board is always so welcoming, it's always a bit shocking.
Shanarchy,
I do always feel better after seeing my psychiatrist, like a sort of honesty high, even if I am not completely honest or able to explain how I'm feeling. 45 minutes per month is not a lot of time to let it all out, I think. That and it usually takes me a bit to "warm up" my honesty.
I'm not sure how much my family wants to know. My mom asks about it sometimes, but you can tell she's trying to be careful about it. She doesn't think I need meds and most of the time she'll tell me I have low blood sugar and not panic attacks. I do have low blood sugar, but I can tell the difference between needed some orange juice and wanting to crawl out of my skin. The rest of my immediate family doesn't mention it unless I do, but I usually only do to make a joke out of it because I can't talk about it naturally. Mostly people tell me, "don't worry, you're not that bad," which I know they mean well, but what I hear is just them dismissing it or like they don't want to accept that I have a problem I am dealing with. I sort of want a brain scan I could show them to go, "HERE, this is the problem."
The sort of friendships you have now sound amazing. I think having someone who cares about you and who you can vent too is way more important than having someone to just hang out with. I only have the hang out variety and I would not even begin to know how to acquire that sort. You're very lucky.
As for my gut.. That's tricky. My gut is a very nervous thing, so it just wants me to hide in a hole and let the world sort it out. I wish there was a "mental health status" button on Facebook that I could just click and everyone would casually see it and I wouldn't have to say anything, and I wouldn't have to have any added attention or "make things about me." Talking about myself (outside of the internet) is haaard. I don't know if it's specific things, I just always feel like I'm wearing a mask or something, you know? Like I don't break down in front of people and I don't tell my problems without making a joke about it, I just don't let my guard down? I guess I want people to know me, but I don't know how to go about it.
I think you're right about the mentalpod meetup. It's kind of scary, but maybe it's a good stepping stone? As it is, I always get embarrassed and try to hide my mentalpod logo on my phone when someone comes in to the room when I'm listening to it. I need some baby steps.. *hugs*
weary,
First off, pleeeeease rant and ramble. I feel like I'm the only one who does sometimes, haha. That and you made some very good points. I guess I call it a mental illness because I don't know what else to call it, but maybe it does give people the wrong impression? It's like when I walk up to my psychiatrist's office and there is a sign outside the door that clearly says, "PSYCHIATRIST," I want to turn around to all the people in the area and go, "DONT WORRY, I AM NOT SICK OR WHATEVER." I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about, but there is that idea people have about it. Like, if they know, they don't know how to talk to you anymore unless they completely gloss over it and we never talk about it again. Mostly I can only talk about it myself when I'm making a joke about it, or if I mention it in passing and then brush it off and say, "I'm fine." I feel the most comfortable when people talk to me about it head on, but that rarely happens with the people who do know. My fiancee is pretty good about it, but mostly I know it makes him upset and I don't blame him. Once we were walking passed a mental health hospital and I made some joke like, "yep, that's where I should be," and he got kind of sad and upset and said, "don't say that." I didn't really mean it, and maybe I was looking for a bit of acknowledgement or something, but I guess it was a bad joke.
I guess maybe I want to talk about it, but I don't want to make people feel bad or differently about me? Maybe that's impossible.
I know completely what you mean about being that person who seems together. Or I at least try to act like that. I don't know how to be vulnerable with people or ask for help. If I had to ask for a psychiatrist, I would never have gotten it. The only reason I got one was because I went to the doctor after having all these panic attacks to see if there was anything physically wrong with me. The doctor, who I've known a long time, asked me if I was happy with my life, and it was kind of surprising, but all I could say was no, I wasn't happy. And she booked me a referral and prescribed me meds and that was that. If I'm in the middle of a panic attack, sure I can ask for help, but in the light of day, it was amazing I could actually admit I wasn't happy. And I only admitted it after my mom left the room. I guess it was a round about way of asking for help.
Being vulnerable and trusting people is the hardest thing. I always look at people who are open about themselves and think, "how did you even do that," and wish I could be like that, but I don't even know how, or I think I've been lying for too long to start. Coming clean to your sister so she would feel less alone was a very brave thing to do. I'm very impressed.
And you're so right about this board. I think I maybe take too much advantage of it. Something about it just feels very safe and, I don't know, like I can just spill my guts. Maybe that's why I post so much here, because I just feel like this is a purely safe place, you know? I worry about people I know somehow randomly finding this and figuring out who I am, but at the same time, a part of me is like, fuck it. But maybe that's why I'm nervous about bringing the podcast up with people? Like if they knew I listened to it, they'd automatically think to start searching thru the forum, trying to figure out which one is me. Even thru that, I still think I share the most honestly hear than anywhere else. And I think that would upset people the most, you know? Like, not that I am lying to people, but that I am opening up more with a forum than with people who are with me. It makes me feel very guilty, like they'd be disappointed in me. But, I mean, it's a lot easier admitting things to people who don't see you every day and whose facial reactions you don't have to see. I don't know if I'm more worried about disappointing people with my "mental illness" or disappointing them by being such a closed book. I can just imagine telling someone and them going, "how could you not tell me? don't you trust me? i thought we were close," or something like that, and BECAUSE we're close is exactly the problem. It's a catch-22, I guess.
Aaand, I've just rambled on as well, haha.
I think, maybe, my gut would be freer with less facades to keep up, though. I don't know. I think I might try to test the waters and see what develops. If I can get the courage. But at the end of the day, you're absolutely right, I can't control what people think of me. I need to accept that somehow. *hugs for you too*
