YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

How do you deal with loneliness. I am so alone and i feel like i am spiralling out of control. I work two jobs which wouldnt be bad if i wasnt working from like 7pm to to noon the next day. with a small amount of time to eat and sleep in between. I work completely alone, except for the morning to noon job but i am the lowest form on the pecking order. I dont really see much of the crew except to be let into the building or for them to let me know this needs cleaned up. "Hi how are you" is about as far as any coonversation goes. Even if there was conversation by the time i get there I have been up wayy too long to even care much less follow a conversation.
I do have a few friends but i would use that term very loosely as I have fucked myseslf in that department. To make a very long story short I told them off and spoke the truth when they didnt want to hear it. we have somewhat forgiven each other, but its strained and not very good. The other bunch of friends I am not sure about as i dont trust them anymore but on occasion i get invited out with them i go. The one i really have and like i have a hard time connecting with her. shes busy when i am not and its just hard to connect. Plus she is just a "sit down and visit" friend or rather mentor. not a hey lets go out and party sort.
I am sooo sick of this fucking lifestyle. I chat in chatrooms but since they found out i am single again I feel like a piece of meat, and most of them are married men and all way older than me. Which i dont have a problem with that i fit in better with older people than i have ever done with people my own age. i have been told by people i am more insightful and more articulate than most 40 year olds. that was told me by some shrinks when i was 18 i am now 32. I find chatrooms lacking because you never can tell exactly who gives a shit and who is just looking to get perverted with you. I really miss face to face interactions.
I am so lonely when a clerk asks me how i am doing i would like to go into detail of just how shitty my day has been, but i know they dont give a shit and want nothing more than a good thanks and you? I feel invisible by the world. I clean up thier shit like some little cleaning fairy and no body knows who does it. I cant even get my supervisors to bring me new supplies this is how invisible i feel. I have been looking for a new place to live unfortunately i will need a roommate and everyone i have contacted for that dont answer. I feel like i have a scarlet letter or the plague on me.
Id like to date again but where do you go to meet people when you dont drink nor religious? I am totally afraid of dating though for fear id wind up with some of the losers ive already dated again. I dont want to feel like a piece of meat but yet i want to have a good time with not much comitment involved.
I just want some friends and some time to socialize. I feel like a retard when i do because i had to retrain myself when i was with my ex to just answer what he wanted to hear. So i have stock answers to nearly everything, and ive forgotten how to answer or be curious with others without having fear. I know i do not know how to socialize anymore. it really scares me because i feel like he has robbed me of everything i used to know how to do. I find myself using those stock answers to people i am around, and the ones who knew me before knows theres something not quite right with me but just cant exactly place it. the friendship is like being in a new relationship we kind of walk on eggshells and never say too much to each other that gets into the hearts of us. which saddens me because her and i were as close as two people could be without being lovers.
I just feel like i am going out of my mind. I have had no human touch since i left my ex in march. I have had no one to really talk to because i dont think anyone gives a shit and after awhile they get sick of hearing about the same issues. Ive learned that one.
How do people deal with loneliness how do old people do that. I feel soo sorry for the elderly that doesnt have anyone anymore. i so get thier loneliness and why they talk up a storm to the clerk in a store. Id go to a bar but i dont drink nor do i want any drinking friends seen first hand how that kills people. majority of the time they are closed when one job ends. I dont know what to do anymore. Im tired of this life. cherry

Hello Cherry_Iceee!

I am incompetent to answer your questions because I am a self-isolating person, and have social anxiety. What I do to get some relief is:

[1] dive in, ignore negative voices inside my head. I could have, so many times, stopped the relationship that I now enjoy with my wife, and I would have bailed on the relationship in the past at the first sign of trouble, but I powered through them because I knew there was value there even if I habitually had viewpoints that discounted all value

[2] pay it forward, be overly generous, give give give before I take, do the work to make sure people realize their inborn value. [I realize it is easier for me to put myself out there, because I am 6'1" 249 lbs and a scary looking severe Mexican male, so I don't really have to take any extra steps to feel safe, you are in a different place with a different physicality, and your safety is the most important thing, and you deserve to live life without creepy vibes.] For online and meat-space, I would limit my interactions to other women, and wait for men to prove they are true gentlemen and not "takers" first. It is depressing that the common male is so out-of-it and tries to treat all women like "Manic Pixie Dream Girls"

[3] stay away from meat-markets, all social activities around shared interests

[4] forget looking for a relationship, work on yourself, build your inner core, ignore relationships, when your inner core of your personality is strong, you will naturally attract the right person

Please take care, all the best, cheers, you deserve to leave this current suffering behind, and that is exactly what will happen

Hi Cherry, I just read your post and wanted to tell you that I can relate to a lot of what you said. I've felt very much alone for most of my life. I've had jobs where I didn't see a single person the whole day except for my boss (woo hoo). My family kind of fell apart by the time I was 18 and I had to make my own way from then on. Even when I was in relationships, I felt that they didn't understand me. Most of the friends I had in high school drifted away and it was hard for me to make new ones after that. Any friends I had as an adult, I felt that I had to carry the relationship. If I didn't call them, I'd never hear from them again. I'm 38 now and have been single for 4 years. That has been the hardest. For the most part it's been pretty good. I've learned to be my own person again and I covet my own space and privacy. But I ache for that intimacy and the comfort of snuggling up to someone. I have friends now that I can talk to and I have learned now to be ok with hugs ( I used to hate being touched by anyone other than my boyfriend) but I need more than that. I've tried to get to know different guys over the years but it never worked out. Every time this happens I feel rejected and ugly. Christmas and Thanksgiving are very hard, because I have no one to spend them with.
I understand when you think nobody wants to hear your sob stories, but you'd really be surprised. There are more people out there who feel the same way than you think. (like me! )You may consider finding a support group through a therapist even.
Manuel is right. It's really hard being single, but when I look back on the last 4 years, I have developed my inner core. I had to learn more about myself and I do now feel like I'm a more well-rounded person. And those chat rooms always spell disaster!
Have you ever considered changing jobs? At least being around other people is better than being so isolated. It's not healthy-I know!
It took a long time for me, but I finally just found some good friends that I know will be there for me. However, when my depression hits, like tonight, I feel as though no one really cares so why should I bother them with my problems. This is something I need to work on, because if somebody sees that I'm not myself, It's obvious that they really do worry about me.
If you are interested, I will give you my email address. You can send me a message any time. I may not be able to give you any answers, but I will be there to listen.
I hope things are going better for you since you posted this.

Lol, I am on line because I felt so lonely today and was going to post about it and I didn't expect somebody else posted a very similar thing!

I have never had many friends in my life and 6 years ago I decided to move to another country in another continent by myself. Six years after I have managed to make three new friends here. All have partners and spouses so I'm on my own during the weekends or holidays. I work casually as I'm studying in uni and there's no social connection at work.

Today I really need a friend but there's no one to talk to.

I have been single for about 4 years and I really miss that personal intimacy. I'm 29 years old and my first intimate relationship lasted technically six months if I count two months of the time when she had to babysit her sister and therefore cannot see me. It took me two months to realize that she wanted to break up.

That's 4 years ago now and I haven't had a single date. Before my ex I thought I wasn't meant to have an intimate relationship and I'm not so sure if I was wrong. It's hard to have a hope the I'll love someone one day before I get too old. There's nothing in me a girl should love about, I don't think.

I deal with my loneliness with everybody's best friend: beer.

Sorry about the length. Stop if you get bored.

I've felt more lonely in relationships than I ever did just being on my own.

I felt a lot less lonely when I stopped trying to drag emotional resources out of friends, coworkers and parents. That sounds kind of odd. I guess I started to just let closeness come when it did, but didn't invest expectation in having to get it everywhere all the time. I was not brought up well when it came to intimacy. Not investing in getting it gave me back a lot of emotional energy.

After being single for a long time I decided 'single' was a legitimate status. Rather than waiting, I became a family of one. I started moving forward with some of the things you might otherwise wait until a long term relationship happened before starting; starting to "settle down" without waiting for that someone else.

I also got to a point where I started taking time to really focus on how I spent my alone time. I started doing activities that saw me spending time with myself; rather than using that time to isolate, to numb or distract myself from myself. It was distressing at first to be alone with someone you hadn't visited with for years! But now it's kind of really interesting. Now time alone is valuable and flows in a way I would want to share with someone.

I have more confidence in taking care of my self needs emotionally, goal-wise and fun-wise now. I'm also more ready for those moments of intimacy with someone else when they spring up by surprise.

It probably doesn't sound like a solution but considering the painful loneliness I used to be in, I'm proud. I should say I still experience loneliness, anxiety, depression, compulsivity, paranoia and perfectionism on a regular basis. I also struggle to tolerate intimacy in a lot of situations. Therapy is helping. I guess I can see now though that those limitations don't preclude intimacy or self care; you can struggle with them and still know in yourself that certain connection to others and community is still within your capability.

For me the best measure of whether you experience closeness to others - in the right dose at the right distance - is, does the memory of the closeness keep coming back and nourishing you? That's about all I need.