YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I like to sum it up with this bit of dialogue from the film The Fifth Element:

Officer: Sir, are you classified as human?
Corbin Dallas: Uh, negative. I am a meat popsicle.

I don't know the root cause, if it's a lack of self-esteem or some personality disorder or something but I feel like I have no clear identity. I feel wildly internally inconsistent. It's hard to come up with a specific example since much of it is an internal sense or feeling. A few I can think of are sexual preference (I consider myself bi but sometimes I am strongly hetero other times strongly homosexual), voice (I feel like my voice and vocal patterns change a lot depending on my situation, people around, level of inebriation) and emotionality (I have a dichotomy in my mind of masculinity and femininity and often chastize myself for "feminine thinking" but also for overly macho thinking as well).

I feel like I'm not explaining myself well here but it's so personal and a lot of it involves an internal dialogue that's, admittedly, very negative. I find myself super envious of people who seem to be free and comfortable with a personal and political identity in public and sharing intimate details of their lives and beliefs while I try and do my best to find some kind of common ground so I don't offend anyone. Maybe my identity is a people pleaser?

And I'd like to circle back to the voice thing... I do a bit of voice work now and then and acting and like to create new/novel/silly voices. Sometimes my internal voice takes on some interesting characteristics- especially a bit of a stereotypical flaming gay lisp and swish. I don't think that is who I really am, but it comes up and I feel like I have to suppress it lest 1) someone think I'm making fun of gay men 2) someone think that's my real personality.

It's part of an internal and external incongruency I guess... I'm a big guy, I like sports, I lift weights, I have a shaved head and biker beard, people sometimes cross the street to get away from me, I love combat sports and miss my days of scholastic wrestling. I have women flirting with me telling me they "like bad boys" and "dangerous guys" or some other stuff. But so often I feel like a quivering puddle of jell-o, like I'll cry at the drop of a hat or if someone hugs me I'll cry almost instantly no matter what's going on. On the outside I'm a big, scary macho guy but inside I'm an emotional volcano full of tears who cries at ASPCA commercials and loves sappy romance and art and all these things I have declared as "girly stuff."

I don't know anyone else like this, though I've never talked about it with anyone because it's worrisome that I'll be treated like a freak.

You are not a freak, Mister_Man. We here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

I think that the internal/external incongruity you refer to is something normal people struggle with on a daily basis. People wear "masks" in public (people pleasing can be one of them) because they don't want to rock the boat or cause anyone unnecessary distress by letting their id flow out of them unchecked. I think it's normal to have fears of being rejected, or or being considered weird or "freakish". That's why it's important to choose who you "let in", to see the real you, beyond the golden sponge cake to the creamy filling.

Personally, I think it's beautiful that you're this macho guy with a soft, creamy center. If I knew you irl, and you trusted me enough to tell me that you cry at ASPCA commercials, I'd feel all kinds of honored and special.

The inverse would be, of course, if you told EVERYONE that you cry at ASPCA commercials (the forum doesn't count). Then that would be just another mask to wear. I wonder if these people that you refer to, who are comfortable sharing their personal and 'political' identities in public, aren't just wearing big mobius strip-like masks.

I hope that was sorta helpful.

Have you ever heard about the Internal Family Systems Model? I think you might find it helpful and relatable. It has been a life changer for me, giving me perspective and awareness to all my "parts" and how they work together as my true authentic self. It can help when you feel like you have identity and personality shifts as well as help you understand why and puts it into a relatable framework. I hope you do some reading about it!

http://www.selfleadership.org/outline-o ... model.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal_F ... tems_Model
http://www.goodtherapy.org/Internal_Fam ... erapy.html#
http://personal-growth-programs.com/lea ... s-therapy/

How is your memory?

I feel a lot the same. I'm not as much a tough guy, but at one point (bout three years ago) I was often seen in a leather jacket with an eyebrow ring, long hair and singing in a metal band. Inside I always thought I might be trans, that I just wanted to be a young pretty girl so I could be the shy cute person that I felt like, but working with what I looked like I knew I'd never be that person. Recently that all came back and I talked long and hard with my trans friend only to realize what I had is different. I think it might be dissociative disorder. Like a different personality, but that can't be right. I don't hear voices.

Well I do tend to fall asleep in stressful situations. I get lost in movies/tv shows. I frequently just fade out from the situation I'm in. My wife tells me all these mean things I have said, but have no recollection of. There are huge chunks of my life I don't recall. I found all this out like two days ago so I really have nothing to back this up other than my wife looking up DID symptoms or more specifically Dissociative Amnesia. I guess it comes from a coping mechanism to deal with trauma, but I don't recall any. I don't know about you. The irony is not lost on me that it is a method of blocking trauma from your memory and I remember no trauma, but I was always so sure my upbringing was fine.

If you have issues like this maybe someone knows what we are dealing with.

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm hijacking this with my issues. Is that what this thread is for, though? We are trying to share I guess.

So, yeah. Sup?