FlashbackTriggers

[imnotcrzee]

Colonialpunk ,
My therapist told me the memories were repressed for so long as a means to survive. I was threatened and pushed everything so far down that not only did I not tell anyone, I hardly processed it. Also she said because this is the first period of time in my life I have felt safe, ever.
I know my attackers. I had known them since i was 10 and we lived in the same neighborhood..i had to see them everyday for the following 3 years at school. I had no choice. I became a shell of myself.
It is extremely hard to go back because emotionally I am feeling the impact and noticing the collateral damage it did to my life for the first time.
The big trigger that brought to the forefront was the birth of my first child. I was dealing with PPD when the nightmares escalated. I have been working on this for 4 years and feel like I'm still on an uphill climb.

Paul: feel free to read any excerpts from my posts on the show.

Peace and Love Always
A

[Colonialpunk]

imnotcrazee,

I can't imagine what having to continually see your attackers for three years must have been like. I only lasted about 6 months my junior year of school with constantly seeing a boy who had severely manipulated me (not even one that attacked me) before I had a mental breakdown and had to have a psychiatric hospitalization. I don't think I could remember any of my junior year of high school even if I tried, thankfully he graduated at the end of that year so I didn't have to deal with seeing him anymore. Just based on my own experience, I would say you must be an extremely strong woman.

I still have a really hard time facing everything that has happened, but I know that if I don't things will continue to get worse.

[SusieOl]

I have PTSD from my brother molesting me. I also have it from watching my g/f die from the flesh eating bacteria. The thing that actually triggers me from my g/f is a smell of a lilac bush. That was her favorite bush. Another thing that triggers me sometimes is the smell from the disease. Her leg was gangrene from the infection before they removed her leg. It was basically a burning rotting musty smell. Sometimes I feel like im back at the hospital sitting beside her holding her hand comforting her that everything will be ok. Trying desperately to not let her know how awful the smell was. How could I let her go thru that alone? It was bad enough she died alone. Oh how I failed her on so many levels.

[h8totell]

I have flashback triggers from anything relating to a farm....hay, dust, dirt, grain. I have flashbacks when I get to hot. I have flashbacks when I walk to my vehicle. I have flashbacks while I'm trying to shower. I have flashbacks when I hear someone whistling. I have flashbacks when I smell sweat or body odor. I have flashbacks when I watch movies, tv shows, or anything intense. I have flashbacks when there are shootings like the Colorado movie theater shooting. I have flashbacks when it rains. I have flashbacks a gazillion times a day...AND this is after being in therapy for 6 years. I can say though that therapy has truly saved my life.

[stringsofsolace]

a while back I wrote a short synopsis of what a flashback was like for me personally and thought I would share it here so people can possibly understand the intensity it can have in your life. I have PTSD as a Sexual Assault Survivor - assaulted by a doctor, and yes, it happens. Anyhow, I hope this can help someone understand and perhaps increase awareness and compassion for those suffering and surviving through PTSD.

Flashbacks:

One minute, I was talking quietly talking, the next I was transported to the middle of the actual trauma. I was there - relieving it second by second. It was so very real, I could feel what was happening, hear what was being said. I was unaware of anyone or anything other than what I was being subjected to yet again. I could feel the panic, I couldn't breath, I struggled, I wanted to escape but I didn't know how. I was going crazy. I wanted to shout and scream for help. I wanted someone to drag me out of the horrible nightmare. I didn't want to be there. I was enveloped totally once again by the events of those days. Images, photo streams of those days ran through my head in circles, confusing and dizzying me. It was really happening again. I was trapped deep in the grip of my tortured mind unable to move, paralyzed with fear. I could smell him, feel him, and hear his words. How could this be happening again? I was frightened; I didn't know what to do to make it stop. I could hear someone screaming. Was it me? I couldn't go any further, I had gone far enough, and I needed to get out. It was my voice that was screaming for help, it was me that was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. I was totally disoriented, dazed, unsure of what had happened, what I had said or done. I felt confused. I thought I had escaped my personal hell, but instead, it could pull me back in at any unexpected moment and the not knowing, the expecting, and the waiting, were the scariest and most debilitating parts.

[iamjunkshit]

Flashbacks are awful.

If they happen when you're in public, you're basically screwed.

For me, when one happens I just freeze and stare at a fixed spot on the wall or the floor and the terror plays over and over in my head. It's weird, I've noticed that the little movie of the trauma in my brain is quite creatively filmed! Sometimes it's like a time-lapse footage film. Sometimes the colors and surroundings are all distorted in an ominous, impending doom sort of way. Sometimes it's hyper vivid (I hate those times) and sometimes details I haven't even processed yet arise.

When flashbacks happen to me, I can't talk or understand what people are saying. Sometimes I cry, but usually I just get really stiff and stare. If I am in public, I try hard when I feel one coming to find a place where I can be alone. I don't know if flashbacks can be stopped before they happen, or if maybe I am just not in the phase of my "recovery" from the event where I can stop them...

My big triggers:
-any situation where my movement is being restricted-- whether it be being in a car or being socially expected to stay still like when I go to church and have to sit still through the service. This is triggering because it reminds me of: handcuffs, shackles, detainment, holding cell, jail cell, total loss of control.

-the following words and images: police, D.A., hearing, charges, allegations, arrest, reasonable doubt, field, rope, my own name, homeless, camping, tents, woods... etc.

I've found that making a trigger chart that is very thorough is helpful. List the trigger, how it makes you feel, and what specific part of the trauma the trigger arose from. It's hard to face this stuff head on. I whole heartedly agree with 50msns sentiments about smoking weed being helpful. Out of all the psych meds I've been put on for this acute PTSD, its the ganj that really helps me temporarily work through the memories with less of an emotional response. It's so hard to work through this stuff when you're constantly stopped by panic attacks or shutting down into depersonalization!

To everyone suffering from PTSD... I know you feel alone-- and in one sense you are. We have to deal with our stuff ourselves. No one can come into our brains and pick up all the pieces and glue everything back together to the way it was before. BUT-- in another sense, you are SO not alone. Reach out if and when you can. Don't allow it to suck you into isolation and despair. Learn about PTSD, but don't make PTSD define you. You are so much more than this. You may feel like you've lost parts of yourself... but have hope. Things come back, often very suddenly and unexpectedly, in PTSD. Keep on going-- if for nothing else, for the possibility of the joy of re-finding yourself. It's going to be worth it in the end.

[Anna]

I also have PTSD even though I don't have a formal diagnosis. Was raped by my father and later by my brothers and their friends. When Paul talks about the victim vibe, that's what I had. It resulted in a group of six or seven boys in junior high school groping me when the teach left the classroom for awhile. And I had a crush on two of the boys which fucked with my brain even more, because they touched me! In high school guys would grab my crotch or boobs when the hallways were very crowded. I was programmed to think that was all I was good for.

Triggers for me: any one of my 3 brothers- hearing their voice, seeing a photo, knowing they're in the same city. Just typing this is making my heart pound, can't breathe. Seeing a group of white guys planning something. Hearing a little girl scream (I live across the street from a park). Seeing an adult man with a young girl. Any man or boy sneering at or sizing up a girl or woman sets me off. The sneering makes my brain go blank an I feel I'm about to be killed. I feel like I need to run, but I just freeze, I feel pins and needles over my body. Warning bells clanging in my brain. And much much more.

Anna

[ghughes1980]

My PTSD stems from hospital stays/surgery (My best guess I've had 58-60 total I'm not sure if they did a 2 for 1 on my ankle chord lengthening in my right foot.) so many times Antiseptic smells, some florescent lighting. Needles will trigger full on just horrendous panic attacks. Occasionally noises if they are in a specific tone (ie something that sounds like a intercom) But I did notice at a recent visit to the ER that the CT scanner is still a relaxing experience. I believe that the specific example of the CT scanner being soothing has something to do with being cared for and/or I can link that machine to feeling safe some how. The same safe feeling happens to me in moving vehicles and I have noticed that I have a strange kind of narcoleptic response while in moving vehicles. (My guess is I did not sleep well as a baby and my parents used to drive me around.) So that feeling of being safe is there. The last session I had in talk therapy it really didn't take much prodding or setting the scene to get me triggered which really frightened me and sent me away from therapy in terror for 8 years so I am 100% convinced there is more there to dig up and work through.

[Swinney101]

We had some wild fires in Spokane last year and the smell triggered me. It hasn't always been like this, I used to be a firefighter as a volunteer while I was on active duty. Completely blindsided me..took me right back to Iraq.

[TheScuzzy1]

I have done two tours to Afghanistan in the past 9 years with the Army National Guard. The first time was in 04-05 and lasted 13 months. We were in a part of the country setting up new sites that hadn't seen Americans since the war with Russians in the '80's. We were in a forward base that was 30 miles off the Iranian boarder. We had a relatively quiet tour, though we did have a few instances of rioting, and occasional rocket attacks. (nothing major and no injuries) When we first arrived into the city we were to be stationed near, we lived in an actual Afghan compound in the middle of a city of 250,000 people. Three days after we arrived, (which was only 2 weeks into our tour) we began to recieve small arms fire into the compound. There was a very small amount of soldiers at the compound and even though I don't carry a combat MOS I was thrust into a position of supporting with the AT4 (rocket fired gernades). We took positions around the compound and our was on the roof. As we are looking for evidence of where the shots were originating from we catch movement on the roof of the building across the street. My partner and I immediately wheeled to that position and just as we were about to fire on it, three little heads poked over the side. Staring back at us were three beautiful little girls around 8 or 10 years old. They were just trying to get a glimpse of the Americans living next door. Luckily, at the last second we had hesitated and didn't fire. After a few minutes I dropped down the ladder to get an update. Our then-commander, was a LT Commander from the Navy. He came flying out of the Headquarters room in a panic and was trying to put on his vest and helmet, all while trying to load his pistol. He was terrified and it showed. He was yelling questions about what he should do and whether we should head out into the streets to find them, etc. I grabbed him by his vest and pressed him to the wall and yelled to him that he needed to calm the fuck down. I then told him to get back inside and let us take care of it. He seemed to have a reaction that he suddenly realized how he was acting because he thanked me and ran back inside. The shooter(s) ended up moving on and we were able to step down our response and everything soon returned to "normal", or something that could be considered as such.
In a little more than a month, that will have happened nine years ago exactly. At least twice a week I will think about that moment when we didn't pull the trigger. I have replayed this in my head and in my dreams a million times. What if we'd applied too much pressure to that trigger? How could I have lived if I'd killed 3 little girls? I thank God that we didn't. But it still haunts me. I have 5 kids of my own including three beautiful daughters. I'm getting teary eyed right now just writing this, and thinking what could have happened. I've told my wife about this and she understands.
Here's a question for those of you that have flashbacks. I can have flashbacks to my time overseas from fireworks, backfires, even driving on a crowded street. But I can't stop myself from watching movies like Blackhawk Down, The Hurt Locker, Saving Private Ryan, etc. and seem to get "The Rush" of adrenaline from watching what they go thru. Am I alone? The mix of emotions I feel is crazy sometimes...I'm glad this place exists... Thanks everyone