Complex PTSD

[tuathanas]

I realize this is an old thread but I have been reading Complex PTSD by Pete Walker if anyone is interested. Describes much of my condition and experience to a T. Some depression, anxiety, negative thoughts and most scary emotional flashbacks. I had tried meditation years ago and got nowhere. I got into stretching and yoga a few years ago and it relaxed me enough to be able to meditate. It has been a very slow, time consuming process but I feel like I am slowly rewiring my brain to not be so reactive and continually alarmed. I realize I have lived most of my life in the fight, flight or freeze mode which is exhausting but also shuts down a lot of the more enjoyable parts of the brain and experience, which can make life a continual grind on top of everything else. Learning to have empathy for oneself is intensely important as this is the best way to heal and if you did not get empathy as a child you don't even know what it feels like.

[Fargin]

I've been doing mindfulness in therapy, but it haven't really worked outside therapy. My long evening walks has a mindfulness element to them. The last year, I've done a lot of exercise, also yoga, but since I started strength training, I've cut most other types of exercise out. I've really found a home in weight lifting and it's started to change my perception of myself.

[Pvt. Billy Pilgrim]

Thanks for the Pete Walker book recommendation. I too got diagnosed with PTSD about three years ago, but I protested and argued with my therapist about the diagnosis for about 6 months because I couldn't accept that the beatings my dad gave me were bad enough to be traumatic, even though they happened randomly when he was in full rage, and once in the middl of the night, when he stripped me naked and hit me in a pitch black bathroom until he got tired and left me there. But since he didn't use a belt, I didn't think it counted. And there were so much emotional abuse and neglect, and apparently for months I told my therapist about these things, annoyed she was stuck on my childhood, and kept on telling her horrible things with no emotion at all. I had removed all emotional weight from everything, which I guess is common. So after 30 years of suicidal depression and anxiety, I now know I wasn't just born defective.

My question, or new development is, is after getting stronger and healthier with my recovery, both with my issues with my dad, who died 20 years ago, and with my mom, who is an alcoholic and was neglectful and emotionally abusive, and I've always felt physically uncomfortable around. And then, in the middle of the day, while writing down a dream, an intense memory was triggered of being molested by my mom as a small child. Two days later, another memory just dropped into my head, unbidden, of being molested and raped by her when I was 11 or 12. And the memories continued to arrive.

My therapist and shrink have told me that I disassociated in the moment to survive, which makes sense, because every memory blanks out at a certain point with me basically looking/up in the corner of the ceiling. And so I wouldn't remember it the next day so I could keep living in that house, and keep shelter over my head.

Anyway, I believe them, and I have all the body memories to back it up, and maybe this isn't the forum for this, but did any of you have experience with disassociating/repressing the memory of the actual traumatic event/events?

[all a little broken]

please forgive me if I missed it- but ill admit I'm overwhelmed by the content in this thread- sometime when I'm calmer I will read instead of skim-

I am wondering if anyone has read some informative/interesting books about complex ptsd?? I'd really love to learn more about this as I am newly diagnosed.

Thank you

[QueerNymph]

Do the rest of you (that have complex PTSD) experience dissociative symptoms? To put it as succinctly as I can, it feels like being in a glass prison. I look outward and see dangers and impossibly high walls that I have to climb to achieve a modicum of what appears to come so easily to others. I burn with a desire for normalcy, for the trappings of a normal life. I would give anything for close friends, but my body physically prevents me from allowing anyone in. I can’t talk about my feelings, because to do so would expose my soft spots to the cruelty of others. So how will I meet people? When I arrive at work or campus, I’m consumed by appearances. What will they think if they know “x?” I CANNOT allow them to see “y.” I remind myself that no one is that concerned with me, which buys me five seconds of reprieve, but the intrusive thoughts overwhelm me and I’m right back at it again. It feels like my mind houses the planet’s biggest, most ruthless and efficient critics. I’ve adopted my abuser’s method of gas-lighting; the internal perseveration leaves me paralyzed.

[Doreen]

Hi QueerNymph, I experienced what I thought was some kind of dissociative issue after many years of many different types of therapies. After being diagnosed as bi-polar for 18 years and feeling stable, one of my meds stopped working for some unknown reason, and two doctors later, my new and current doctor and I agreed that the issue was PTSD due to severe childhood sexual abuse. By this time, I was in a DBT program (which I still attend) and as my treatment progressed, I began to have dissociative issues. When you speak of the glass prison and being unable to achieve a modicum of what appears to come easily to others, I could not possibly imagine that I could ever have the normalcy that I thought I saw in others. My doctor was able to refer me to a DID/PTSD specialist who I see weekly and I feel like I'm making good progress. Whereas I used to feel totally outside of and disconnected from the rest of the world on a personal level and couldn't allow myself to have friendships beyond acquaintances and colleagues, I'm now involved with a social organization and learning to identify the boundaries I need.

If you're not in some kind of therapy, please make the effort to find a program that will meet your needs. The kind of isolation you describe is real and I also had that kind of experience. The kind of paralyzation or "stuck in my tracks" totally immobilized was also a big part of my daily life. Appearances were fine; I'd get dressed up for work and no one would know a thing looking at me from the outside, but on the inside I was hiding. psychologytoday.com has a drop-down box where you can enter your zip code and you can see therapists in your area. I've also found that Paul Gilmartin actually does read his emails and he can be a great resource.

The things you are describing are real and there is help out there. Good luck.

[Mosesvampslayer]

The book on complex ptsd by Pete Walker is absolutely amazing. Thanks for the recommendation! A must read even for loved ones. I found it helpful to bookmark sections that I felt describe my particular issues (flight type mostly) and it helped my support person understand what goes on in my head. Also I wanted to bump this thread and keep the conversation going. Hope everyone is doing well

[Heatherwantspeace]

Thanks for bumping this Mosesvampslayer! I was wanting to post how much The Body Keeps the Score is helping me. It feels like someone holding me and gently cooing It's not your fault, it's not your fault. To know that not getting proper emotional responses affected my brain patterning, and that adaptive behaviour is the most reasonable response when you can't trust your caregivers, it was just so freeing! Yes, it's my job to make new routes in my brain and to get into healthy behaviour, but knowing I did nothing wrong to get this way helps so much.

It took 2 years of therapy before I could even start to read the book! I would get so triggered from just a few paragraphs of anything related to this topic that I would shut down for the rest of the day, sometimes into the next day. When I read it now, I feel body sensations and some heavy sadness but I can process those and keep going. Also I can tell when I need a break.

I will look up the Pete Walker book. Glad it's helping you and your support. Big cheers to you for working on this!

I want to remind everyone it's okay to go at your own pace. Listen to your body and do things in your own time. Small victories count.
Hugs to you all.
Heather

[manuel_moe_g]

You rule, Heather!

Yeah, it is amazing how feelings and thoughts are stored in the body.