Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental fairy,

On the road, so missed checking in for a few days.
I always feel a sort of privilege when reading your posts, that you're sharing such personal things with us. Thank you for this and I hope it helps you.

About the nightmares - Are these connected to the memories that you've been recovering and exploring? Are there recurring themes?

A friend of mine was complaining about nightmares recently, and I came across the topic of "Image Rehearsal Therapy" that you might check out. Lots of postings on reputable sites. Treating nightmares caused by PTSD, as a way to try to pre-shape the narrative. A form of CBT, and maybe a bit of self hypnosis.

(I don't usually have nightmares, but do often awaken to feelings of dread that usually dissipate when I arise and move around a bit. )

Wishing you the best.

SD

P.S. - Seen any more cool birds around lately?

[Mental Fairy]

Hello SD and fellow bird enthusiast. Very are currently in tornado season and have warnings issued today so birds are all somewhere safe I hope. However I did notice my morning birds still came down for breakfast.

Currently really struggling on with sleep and nightmares. It is clear to me all anxiety situations. Last night we were all prepared for storm that’s hitting us so we went to bed early with a plan in place if we had to get down stairs to shelter. Because we are so close to the mountain here we get very changeable weather and tornado warming was issued. I do love a good storm! I went to sleep and was having nightmare after nightmare about drowning, hiding from bad people and helplessness. The last three days I’ve had covid symptoms but all negative tests.

I think I’ve just reached my exhaustion point and in need of peaceful sleep opposed to extensive nightmares and sleep walking. I have an interview for podcast tomorrow at 11am so hoping I can pull it off without crying!

Therapy has helped in a big way, however feel like I take five steps forward and four back. I assume this is normal?

I hope you are doing ok. Sitting in my office to afraid to open my emails from oncology!

[rivergirl]

Mental Fairy,

I originally logged on to the forum this evening to let you know that I'd listened to your story last week, and my reaction. Then I read the continued thread here, and became so overwhelmed with emotion that I'm finding it difficult to express my thoughts. For now I'll just say this: please know that you are seen and heard, and that you're not alone.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you river girl.
I hope you are doing well and are ok. Spend all day yesterday in bed what covid symptoms but still negative testing results. We are being absolutely smashed with thunder and lightning. Snow on mountain and tornado warnings all over New Zealand.
I am very much further along on my journey but really underestimated the struggles that would arise throughout.
Have my own oncology appointment tomorrow and extremely worried as I have put my patients before myself many times. I am still refusing further investigation surgery that I am meant to have every six months as I’m terrified of the results, even if they are life threatening. Part of me is fed up with it all.
As for the past abuse I am at peace with it. It’s not eating me up like it used too. It’s the losses over the short space of almost all the family that gets to me.
I wish we could get have coffee and muffins together but alas we have this platform for that I am deeply grateful.
You all are incredible people.

[oak]

MentalFairy good evening and thank you for sharing.

We stand by you with all these difficult things: Covid symptoms, oncology, and recovering/healing from the abuse.

You are definitely not alone. There are no easy answers.

[manuel_moe_g]

Sending you good vibes over the internet wires, Mental Fairy. You are always amazing.

[Mental Fairy]

Was sitting In my own oncology appointment this avo typing away to you all and forgot to send so lost all the stuff I typed!
Just wanted to say thank you to all of you.
One thing I’ve really acknowledged over the last little while is us and how we all feel.
I’ve noticed some people around me, friends, neighbours, patients and so on just don’t seem to care how they feel. But we do!
We care how we feel or we wouldn’t be on this forum.
Pre mental health happy hour I was one of those people.
I wrote myself off, I thought to hell with this bowel disease and cancer business I’m just going to work and focus on my patients and what I enjoy. Garden, books, cooking and running. To hell with my feelings pain and suffering.
Then sleep walking kicked in, sore head, twitch twitch and outbursts of anger and tears.
That was my inner self saying “hay look at me, I’m in need of attention”. But I continued to ignore. Pretending all is ok. But it wasn’t.
For the last few months I’ve put off further surgery on my bowel. Refused further treatment cause I’m going to die anyway.

What changed?

Mental health happy hour came along and I heard an interview and I knew that person was speaking from the heart. I heard the pain, felt the anger and cried when I heard he later took his life. I went back and listened to it again looking for a clue of what I missed, how did I know he was hurting? Why did it effect me so much?

Cause I felt a similar feeling. I had given up, I closed down.
I heard more stories and found the website. The forum came up and I took a leap of faith.
I found you all, wonderful feeling people. Who acknowledged your pain, your hurt, your sorrow, your fun and happy moments shine through from time to time. You are all real people. You all have real feelings and I completely hear you all.
The first post I read on here was from Oak, it resonated with me about his family, the difference is all my good family members are deceased and bad ones alive darn it!
Manuel Moe welcomed me aboard the good ship mental and SD and Rivergirl.

I just wanted to extend a thank you because today I gave my oncologist the nod to accept further surgery and to continue on my path of bowel disease discovery!! With you all helping me and opening a door to therapy that I was way to terrified to open I have started to accept what will be will be. I am work further investigation and I am worth the medical care I need.

You are all worth it and worthy of care.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

It's late here on the East Coast USA, and was just about to turn in when I saw your post...
I'm so glad for you! I hope you and your doctors can get things under control.

Yes, we're all going to die. (In my darker moments I've pondered what my final disease will be, and how I'll handle it....)
But the trick of course, is to say- "But Not now... Not today...."

Gotta just keep moving forward as best as we can, with opened eyes, minds and hearts. (Is that trite? )

But Yes! You are worth it!

Not that it "earned" you anything, but from what you've posted you have helped so, so many people and have taken on some of their emotional burdens, sometimes to your detriment....

And you are certainly worthy now of some attention for yourself. Take full advantage of it.

As far as the nightmares go- with the internal and external tornadoes you've been facing recently, it's no wonder!

Quite often when I'm feeling overwhelmed and negative, I tell myself "I'm not a victim- I have some agency in this", and it helps. Maybe if you can remind your subconscious of this fact before you go to sleep, and try to shape the narrative or something, the dreams won't be so bad.

But what do I know? I didn't even cook chickens on TV like Paul did, tho I *can* be a jackass, so I'm told.

Wishing you the best.

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Have a good sleep SD, brought tears to my eyes. Each one of you all have been a key to helping myself and many others. That’s why we are here.

[oak]

MentalFairy, good evening and thank you for posting.

I am happy and humbled that my posts about my family of origin registered with you. It is funny to think that one alcoholic switchman, halfway around the world and 150 years ago, my dumbass great-grandfather Cornelius, and the century-plus of unprocessed trauma*, handed down through generations, ended up helping you. So many connections.

* It ends with me!

I gave my oncologist the nod to accept further surgery and to continue on my path of bowel disease discovery!!

Not a scientist, and I don't want to dox myself, but through work I am scientist-adjacent.

While there is no good time to get cancer, there is no better time than now. And tomorrow, yes literally tomorrow, will be better than today. America is spending enormous amounts of money, with the brightest minds from all over the world, to create new cancer advancements every day.

I say this with full solemnity and confidence: each day the smartest, most talented, most dedicated, and best-resourced people in history are striving to mitigate cancer, and they're succeeding. Again, I can't say any more without doxxing myself, but we have every reason for confidence in cancer research.

Let me say the same thing another way: let's say a preliminary/exploratory surgery this summer (or winter, for you) buys you another 18 months. It is very possible that a treatment is invented tomorrow, Tuesday June 14, that could radically change your prognosis.

I say the sentence above with zero exaggeration.

If I may, I'd like to close with a paraphrase of de Gaulle, at the bleakest, most troubled time for democracy:

"Believe me, I who am speaking to you with full knowledge of the facts, and who tell you that nothing is lost. The same means that overcame us can bring us victory one day."

Edit to add:

If you’ll indulge me, MentalFairy, many a truth is spoken in meme, with you as the blue car:

https://imgflip.com/i/6jl55s