Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

I’m not going to lie, the emotional roller coaster has been a bitch.

Summer person I am not. The heat is hideous, my nights are a mix of hideous dreams and nice dreams, the sooner autumn gets here the better.

The surgery is up and running well.
I have fallen into a bit of a slump with it all, exhausting process.

Home life is testing, more so with me having the freedom of separation and yet dwelling on the past experiences from time to time.

I have been geocaching as much as I can to divert my attention out of the darkness. Little discoveries made along the way, history to be found in the oddest of places. I had to climb into an old historic Rata tree on the stony river the other day to locate a cache, let’s just say putting your hands into holes full of spiders and wetas is enough to divert any bad mood!

I found out an old geocache coin I found back in 2016 has made it to Rio currently. That was a nice surprise.

I’ve noted my problem with low self confidence is deeper than I thought through some more therapy. My triggers are very clearly related to my mother and father’s behaviour as a young one.

My son and I have grown so much closer over the last few weeks, I find this incredibly comforting.

My observation lately is I can’t stand people who are late to meet me, make me wait or don’t communicate. It’s deeply frustrating and incredibly disrespectful. I did have a little argument with a friend about it and make the point that I won’t stand for it. Let’s just say it hit a nerve! I was so darn low and angry I slept at the clinic on Saturday just to hide away from the world and be on my own. You would think I would have gone to the bush but for some silly reason I went to the clinic!!! Nutta!

As a child I was always let down, put to the side or put somewhere I didn’t want to be, this is become a little issue of late.

I have taken some recent advice and started to write more in a journal of sorts. This journal has a plethora of challenging questions I am struggling with. More so because I don’t what to write down certain words as it sends me on a tailspin of doom.

I am trying so so so hard not to look at the news. The world is a circus right night.

Books were my way of coping with the negative of the days. Trying my hardest to get my concentration back into the books.

Let’s see what this week will bring…….

[Mental Fairy]

Sometimes the hardest part of the day is just putting my feet on the ground beside my bed.

[Mental Fairy]

Boy oh boy do I have an update for all!

Back soon to wrap my fingernails off my hands with my story!

Hugs to all

[snoringdog]

We're here! Fire away!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

First and foremost thank you MM for the introduction to the discord link. It has a lot of positives going for it. It is a chat based system i an not overly used too. Reminds me of the early chat rooms back in the day of premature internet. I do miss the feeling of having a typing vomit on this forum much more. I feel i can get more out of the brain vault and my cogs and mental wheels start spinning better.

So my little updates......

House is still on the market. Economy here is changing a bit on the last week. Interest rates have dropped somewhat, a lot of people moving to NZ. It will take some time to notice a real difference however.

Personal life is ok. I am really enjoying my time in the hills and pushing my limits from time to time. Not in a dangerous way, more as a physical way.

For many years i had such low self esteem, i didn't believe i could climb peaks that i used too. Two weeks ago i climbed the peaks of the mountain i have not attempted in many years. I know you are wondering, doesn't a mountain have just one peak? Not our one. She has many, the surrounding ones in dense bush and exposed ridge lines. One ridge in particular i never thought i was do again, i attempted. Setting off early in the morning we made our way up in serious hot conditions. We are not used to such heat we have been having, especially living right next to the ocean. We were three quarters of the way to the top when my head just kept saying such negative things about myself. You can't, your not good enough, your not fit enough, your not a climber like you used to be, your to old. It just kept going and going. I had to separate myself from my climbing partner and set off on my own mental battle. I screamed into the wind, i kicked some stones and i cried at one stage. Because of the terrain we were taking two steps up and one step back on the rocks. We endured this part for over two long hours. Once i caught eyes of the larger rocks and flattening of the landscape i knew we could make it. Once on top, it was like being on the moon. What a feeling. If i can do this, i can do this again and again. I can push through that negative self talk, but i know it will always be an uphill battle. Not just for me but for the people around me.

My attitude towards things have changed a lot since the divorce. I have kept to myself more and retreated inwards. Have been doing a lot of physical writing in a book that gives me exercisers to do. Some questions i still find to hard to answer, well not hard, because i know the answer, just unable to write it down because of the shame.

My tolerance levels for things have become somewhat strained also. I do shut down really fast and take things to heart almost immediately. This is causing some problems with my two closest friends.

Last weekend Donya (closest friend) asked if i could take her up a path less walked on the mountain. This path is overgrown dense bush which leads to some rock climbing towards the top. I have done this trail four times in the last six weeks just for fitness reasons. I took Donya up and watched her go through the same self doubt and screaming into the wind. When we got to the top of the peak i watched her grow a bit in confidence and acceptance. However, this was short lived. On the way down she was not liking the steps and distance to get back via a safer trail.
It was interesting to be the observer of someone else out of their comfort zone.

This coming weekend i have arranged an overnight stay at a local private hut to get some headspace, the catch is i have to walk 10 hours to get there. I will be dropped at a location that will challenge me to reach a place called Henry Peak, from there i will make my way through bush which is also overgrown, to a location that allows me to drop down onto a well used trail which will lead me to the entry point of the hut.

I am finding on these little adventures that i have a different self to explore. It is not just about the location or altitude. It is about myself and my attitude.

Two weeks ago i was on the trail next to the house i am in, i was angry for some reason and on edge. Upon setting on a park bench high above the trail i just cried. Not a nice cry, an ugly cry. I felt like such a fool, but it felt like i pulled the plug in a sink. I have cried more in the last four months than i have in my lifetime.

Nightmares come, nightmares go. That has not changed.

I am trying to work out in my head the next move after the house sells, take a little break somewhere for a couple of weeks or look at purchase for next location. My head and my heart are saying two very different things.

There has been a lot of self questioning about my actions after an outburst or my emotions i feel in different situations.

I am not sure if you recall, i am a shocker when i see a hurt or dead animal. Yesterday i was on a very early morning run, i ran past a driveway and saw a cat had been hit by a car. I once would of cried, ran faster or got into an emotional tizz. This time, nothing. I looked. I felt sad a little and immediately talked myself out of thinking about it, i kept talking to myself, reiterating not to get emotional or be effected. Focus on something else, don't go there. I am unsure if this is a good thing or bad???

Currently at work so better get back to doing something, pulling something or filling something!

So much more to go over, so so so much more.

Thinking of you all.
Gia