Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi beautiful people

I recently got Rupi Kaurs book Healing through words.

In the book you are asked to write and draw.

I started this project of discovery today and found it rather confronting and cathartic.
I was first asked to draw what I see in my minds eye when I think and see of a trauma I have experienced.

Of course it was the sexual abuse. I drew my bedroom when I was a little girl. Not that I like to use the term little girl, I felt nothing like a little girl ever. I’m then asked to write down words or phrases that come to mind when I look at the picture. That was incredibly hard. It felt like no words existed for what I feel when I look at the picture.

My list was: insignificant, not worthy, angry at mum, sad, confused, why me? Fearful of next time, unsure what to say or not do, hurt, tea towels are not just for dishes- they dry up tears.

Then I randomly select four of the above and write sentences or paragraphs incorporating the four I picked.

So here goes;

The crack in the window is just as insignificant to everyone as the cracks forming within me. No amount of tape can stop the outside fears from coming in, nor can it fix the evil and most feared already within.

When objects or people become dirty we take the time to wash and dry. He washed afterwards, he dried. However I learnt from a young age tea towels are not just for dishes, they dry up tears as well, yet leaving me forever dirty.

He left me feeling unworthy and incapable to feel or understand love in its totality.
Even at 42 I feel confused, unsure and stuck at times.

But I’m having to forgive and free myself of him, the weight of him both literally on my back and figuratively within my DNA. I hold no space for him in my life, you can’t be family.

The cracks are mending, the tea towels used for their true purpose. Yes I am worth but yet the confusion lingers.

That’s as far as I have got.

It’s feeling very strange to write it with a pen.

Next exercise is to write what I keep hidden.

I have to set a timer for 10 min. Read the prompt and free write my thoughts.

Prompt: the thing I am most scared of people finding out about me is…….

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, Mental Fairy, your processing is deep

Praying for you to receive all blessings in future, wishing you all strength

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you MM. means a lot. After doing this exercise I found my sleep was very disturbed.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I worry because your sleep seems easily disrupted or otherwise not the peaceful nourishing sleep I would love for you to get

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

No wonder your sleep is disturbed, after dredging up these memories and making them more concrete through writing.

You were abused in an awful way, and it hardly bears thinking about. I hope you can find some peace through this exercise.

....And you're under no obligation to share anything or post anything you don't want to. Only what helps *you*.

Wishing you peace.

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Been a whirlwind 24 hours. Yesterday I had breakfast at a local cafe with my friend Donya. Within 30 min I was in the loo at the cafe very unwell. Whatever I ate reacted with the Crohn’s and let’s just say the last 24 hours has been testing. Just got home from hospital now and into bed. There is a set of results we will know more about with oncology on Wednesday appointment. I’m aware the chances of my tumour coming back is extremely high and have been feeling a little under the weather the last few days with terrible back pain. Yesterday when I noticed something wasn’t right the pain made me sweat. I tried my level best to act normal and all together. I became rather frustrated at how everyone around us was enjoying their breakfast next to the Oceanside. Then I had to ask Donya to excuse me while I made an exit for the bathroom. I honestly felt my world fall to bits a bit and the immediate denial talk. I tried to pretend nothing was happening and all was well. Once I got home I fell into the bed and become cold, shaken as the feeling of bowel swelling up was undeniable. Making my way to the shower I literally sat on the floor while Joe held the shower hose thing over me. I thought if I had a bath I would be too tempted to drown myself and end it all.
Then it happened again, the heart rate went through the roof and intense thirst. I fainted thankfully sitting down. Refusing the hospital or ambulance I got into bed and rode the waves of nausea and abdominal pains. I felt anything from under the shoulders didn’t belong to be anymore. It was completely separated from myself.
I would get up and walk around from time to time and see if I was capable of doing anything. Walking to the kitchen and back was exhausting.
I gave in and text my nurse, off to hospital I go. Bloods done and fluids. I’m home in bed with three beautiful ducks outside my bedroom window and my cat at my feet.

It’s been a shitty 24 hours

[manuel_moe_g]

Wishing you the very best, Mental Fairy

Why is life so hard for the coolest people?

[Mental Fairy]

It’s so unfair MM. I wish something good will come from this.

I’m angry at it currently. I literally ate a food I am allowed to eat and yet the body said no.

Oncology Wednesday, I asked Joe if he wanted to go but she said it’s to hard to hear. I feel angry and upset.

[manuel_moe_g]

I’m sorry

Hearing all you say, and I’m sorry

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I'm so sorry. This sucks.
I wish there was something we could do.

I feel angry and upset.

You have every right to be.

We're here for you.

SD