Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Topic will be on moving through grief, self acceptance and mindfulness.

Hypnosis and mindfulness have been big influences in my life when I was incredibly depressed and anxious. Little shuffles I made over the course of a few years to try get some handle on the nightmares I was living while awake and asleep!!!!

[manuel_moe_g]

Topic will be on moving through grief, self acceptance and mindfulness.

wow, will be an interesting episode!

all the best, Mental Fairy

[Mental Fairy]

Sunday afternoon and the weekend has started for me. Everyone else’s Sunday is my Saturday, it’s absolutely brilliant to have Mondays off. while everyone else is busy I get to sit with myself and enjoy my own company. What I’ve learnt over the last handful of turbulent years is, I love my own company and introverted ways. I do have an itch to scratch and that is to attend local art gallery tomorrow. After seeing Troebias art I would like to get some and actually hang something on my walls. Our walls are bare at home, very little art or anything on display. Again, this is the fear of putting something up on display and being judged for it. I do have two bits of art on the wall in kitchen/dining room. One is a painting of White Wells in Yorkshire. And the other a tapestry my mother did. The other hideous one I have and won’t hang sits under a spare bed.

I’ve currently parked my car up somewhere peaceful to read and write to you all. My neighbour is currently banging away building and if I was to stay at home there was a good chance I might be on murder charges in the coming hours if I was to stay home.

Local government elections done and our country now has a new leader. Chris Luxon. Nice chap but not sure how this is going to pan out. He’s going to put a stop to a lot of things that could send the lower income bracket earners into a tailspin.
Watch this space.

I’ve noted my anxiety is up there currently, preventing me from fully investing in a good yoga session at home. Running only three times a week currently as sleep seems to be overtaking my will to actually wake up. I negotiated with myself this morning to go for a longer run but I was aware the sun would come up mid run, still the mind really doesn’t like running in daylight at all. This is one battle that’s hard to fight.

My drunken uncle will make his way to my place soon for a catch up. As I don’t drink nor like his digs at me for one reason or another I will prolong my hide out in the car for as long as I can get away with it before Joe texts me to come home.

I do really miss Oak! Hope he is doing ok out there somewhere.

Dreams and sleep walking have been rather overwhelming of late. Friday night I experienced a revisit dream. A couple of years ago I had a very clear dream. The location was set in a place that is about four hours drive from my home. I recall everything about this dream a couple of years ago, even sounds I heard or feelings.
On Friday night I had the exact same dream but with different people in it. This time I took Joe to the location and there were other people there staying in a cabin below ours. I walked up to them to help them with their fire pit, they asked how I knew how to start it. I explained I have been there before a couple of years ago.
The thing is the location exists, but the place doesn’t. What is on the land in my dream doesn’t exist in real life. Yet the location is somewhere I’ve kind of been before but only above it in a gondola.

When I woke up I was drenched in sweat and both the boys were up also walking around the house as they both were prepared for me to go walk about because of the way I was sleep talking. I woke and looked at them like they were the mad ones!!

Better get some reading in before the phone sends me a chime to let me know it’s time to come home!!!

My drunken uncle seems to have stepped up the drinking recently since meeting his sister he never knew he had. I have refused to see her as has my brother Aaron. We stand on a United front on this subject. To suddenly find out the grandfather that brought me up had a double life sickens me. I feel like I lived in a life of lies and deception.
I have been pondering if I have a heart to heart with Aaron one day about our upbringing but I honestly feel sick thinking about it.

Better go, hugs to all. You all have great meaning in my little world.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks for the update, Mental Fairy. Will wish for you healthy, peaceful sleep and lots of it

I hope Oak is doing well too. I know the feeling: when life is dangerously dissatisfying, you feel it in your bones to shake things up. When I had my mental breakdown at the age of 25, I just had to throw so much of my old world away

I hope Oak returns here, we love him

[Mental Fairy]

Good morning team

I have so much to type but my thoughts feel like they are being pulled out of some part of my brain filled with molasses. They are heavy, weighted thoughts that are conjuring up emotions I dislike feeling. Why? That I’m not sure.

[manuel_moe_g]

They are heavy, weighted thoughts that are conjuring up emotions I dislike feeling.

I hate this terrible bunch of feelings for you, Mental Fairy

Wishing you the very best

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Labour weekend holiday here, Monday off. Which means I’m sharing my day off with everyone else. Bugger it.
Zero energy to run. Tried but body says no!!

This past week has been insightful, inspiring and exhausting. Meet some really kind, wonderful patients. All fighting their own battles. We are not alone.

I spent yesterday morning with my friend Donya. We sat at the local coffee shop to talk about our week and digress on life’s obstacles, her mum flew in this morning for Iran. They have not seen each other in five years. Will be emotional. Donya still hasn’t told her about her breast cancer. Not sure if she will.

We were sitting at the table chatting about about this book I am currently exploring in great details. Right down to google earthing the roads, buildings and locations of the story. Master Slave Husband Wife by Iloon Woo. Normally I would read a book in a week maybe less depending on the story. I am three weeks into it and just on half way, most of the time I am googling the people, locations and trying to learn about it as much as possible.

What I have learnt is, I’m disappointed in myself for not doing better in history class, not researching topics like I do at the age of 42. At 15,16,17 years of age we just didn’t have the mindset to pay too much attention to the anchors of history. Even though I liked the subject I didn’t give it my all. I was more interested in focusing how to survive the bullying, dressing like a Tom boy and hiding away.

The table of people beside us at the coffee shop moved as the discussion was very intense and somewhat awkward for others to hear I would guess.

After the coffee we randomly decided to go on a little look at the local Gables.

https://www.facebook.com/GablesArtGallery/

There i stood surrounded in beautiful art. Immediately I thought of Troebia. We were in there for nearly two hours. We kept walking back to some canvas paintings and relooking at them time and time again. Immediately afterwards we were driving back home and I realised I’ve never actually had a true friend that would do anything like this with. Never had allowed anyone into my space. Even to go to an art gallery with someone felt so different. I really clicked at that moment how i hide away from the world so much outside of my work. The emotional toll our job takes leaves me drained of all abilities by the end of the week.

Yesterday I woke an hour late. The sun was coming up and immediately I felt so bad. I missed the darkness fading into light and the window of time to run. I forced myself to change into my running clothes. I forced myself to go outside, I couldn’t. I stopped and everything in me said no. The darkness is gone. You missed your chance. Then today, I got up, it was dark. I tried a jog, the body said no. I fanaticised about it staying dark forever, having days of darkness and sun only went I wished for it to appear. I reversed my direction and walked fast back home to the safety of my shell. Some days I’m ok, for some reason not today. I just wanted to sleep. But sleep did not come, just reading and procrastinating what to do first, shopping list or housework. Housework won as I didn’t need to go out.

Sleep walking again last night I believe. I wouldn’t actually know as Joe is on nightshirt. However the night terrors lurk just before waking. I did wake myself up by walking into a wall so I must of been on a journey somewhere between conciseness and unconsciousness.

Must get on and make some food for the boys.

Hugs to all. You’re all thought of daily.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hugs to all. You’re all thought of daily.

Thank you, Mental Fairy

Praying for you enjoying peaceful and recuperative sleep

[Mental Fairy]

In our dental clinic there is a single entrance in the front door. Behind reception is a back entrance into the emergency department. We can hear a lot going on from day to day.

Just now I’m sitting here in the office doing paperwork and from time to time hear names being called out by nurses.
Just two minutes ago I was trying away and I heard very loudly a nurse call out “Brian Williams” my heart literally pounded in my chest and for a split second I stopped breathing. That was my grandfathers name. A wave of grief and anger passed over and just like a fart it disappeared into the etha!

How intriguing is the way the mind / body responds to a name. People come and go in this life but a response to a single name kicks one in the chest like a horse.

[manuel_moe_g]

Ugh, devils want to drag us back into the saddest times of the past

Kick that devil in the balls, again and again as he is on the ground writhing in pain

Please take care, Mental Fairy