Mind Body and Trauma

[troebia]

Big hug to you, Mental Fairy. I wish we could sketch together IRL or do some craft that could transport your mind into a different place for a little while. Doodling is my version of having a smoke

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Separation is going through its ups and downs. Ex husband wouldn’t accept it and still struggling. To little to late. He resorted to following me a couple of times for some reason.

This coming weekend I am heading up to an Auckland to our other clinic. Will be dropping off some things and a little sight seeing, will leave the city on Saturday and go bush for two days to work out the kinks I have accumulated over the last few weeks.

I have done a lot of crying. There was two days of extreme lows and terrible crying. More so because I can’t offer him an olive branch of reconciliation or even a trig or a leaf. I don’t want to, he will never change.

I just want to sell up and move on. He’s sulking and making life next to impossible to be around. Our son turned 20 yesterday and I honestly couldn’t even look at either of them. I feel so much anger built up, caged and wild in a way. Any chance I can I go bush, long walks or sleep.

I have been making up my own playlist on Spotify to help me with bad days. I’m running well currently and enjoying the challenges of more distances and places to run.

In a way I feel like I have to still answer to him for some reason. He is still saying I have broken our 20 year old son by giving up on him. Lots of guilt trips

Told my sister in law and she nor my nice brother have reached out, both gone silent and no one knows what to say. I’m not sure if that’s an insult or not.

First support meeting on 12th for people with my bowel condition. Never had a support group in our region so I have been a bit anxious about it. My nurse asked if I could help do motivation talks for getting patients outside and moving a bit more, will see how i go. Last week I had a day in hospital with internal bleeding but managed to slow it down and steam the problem area.

Thunder and lighting here currently, better go back to my patients.

Hugs to all

[Mental Fairy]

My happy place

[troebia]

Hang in there Mental Fairy,
It seems you're more or less in control of the situation. Don't mind the in-laws, they know that any sympathy they give you will come and bite them in the ass later.
Such a pity your son has chosen sides but he'll probably mature out of it in some years and things will normalise. Just show adult restraint.
Wishing you all the best!

[manuel_moe_g]

All blessings wished to you, Mental Fairy

Sending all the positive energy I can muster over the internet wires to you

Please take care

[Mental Fairy]

Kia Ora my people

Well, divorce is a bitch. It’s a bitch in heals.

I have been in so many places in the last five days I don’t know where to start.

Last week was a busy week of dill and fill, pull and bill.

Friday I got to finish early and load the car up with my bosses cherry trees he purchased here in a sale. Problem is he lives in Auckland city six hours north. Me being me put my hand up and said I’m keen to drive up. So with great delight I planned a little escape that was to be for one night….four nights later I’m home!

Upon reaching the highway leading into Auckland I found my heart rate almost doubled and sweat started to form on my forehead and palms as i gripped the steering wheel hoping google maps was working. I didn’t wish to stay at my bosses, so booked a night at the sky tower. Insane to be in the inner city when you only want to be in the bush.

After navigating back and forth through my turning mistakes and misjudged driveways I found the hotel entrance. You literally drive onto carpet and hand over your keys. I apologised for having a car full of trees and proved them to be cherry trees and not drugs! Made my way to almost the top floor and found myself in a concrete jungle with glass windows. Was lovely but out of my comfort zone somewhat. Immediately after dropping off my bags we spent over an hour driving to the other side of the city to drop off the trees and clean my car. I am OCD with my car. The boss and his family insisted on buying me dinner. We got some Nandos in a shopping mall that is bigger than the town I live in. It’s insane. My anxiety went through the roof soon after waking in the morning and made my way to the car to find the motorway out. I noted my bowels had stopped working three days before the trip causing me to be reluctant to take too much medication to kickstart things knowing I would be on a motorway for hours.
On my drive back south I got a call from a friend in the central bush area. Me being me is always ready for a zombie apocalypse so stopped for some snacks and turned east. Bush zone I went. The heavens opened up as i drove into the hills as the sun went down. It rained huge drops, bringing with it thunder. Bliss.

I slept the night in the moki hills hunters hut. Cooking up some beef and wraps. Knowing still my body wasn’t working, yet more food goes in. This can’t end well.
My ex husband all this time is pestering me begging to try again, I refuse.

Anxiety levels up knowing i need to return home soon. Heart beats change, anger rises, unable to gain control and feel at rest. I made my way back towards Taranaki, New Plymouth city in sight. I took a call from my ex husband who i ended up hanging up on. I pulled over in the carpark of a local shopping centre seeing there was a special on in one of our home supply stores, Briscoes. I needed a new hair straightener so took the opportunity to kill more time.

I knew I was dragging the chain, i didn’t want to go home.

So back to reevaluating what I had in the boot of my car, two hiking packs, one large and one day pack, a travel luggage bag I used in the city and lots of clothing options, slip on shoes, hiking boots, crampons, sneakers, casual shoes and my cow girl boots! My anxiety levels could have filled that boot ten times over. I turned my car around and parked it up an hour out of the city. Called a friend and asked if her B&B was available. To my glee yes it was. This is a very remote clamping tent in the back sticks of the forgotten highway. No cell coverage, no power, nothing. My kind of place.
Before I lost coverage I text a friend and said this is where I will be if you need me or if you wish to pop up. I got to the area and was greeted by owner Lisa and her horse. We rode up to the area as there is no option for cars unless they are tanks.
That night I did yoga under the stairs, sat in an outside bathtub under the stars for two hours. Got to bed way too late as I refused to sleep until I saw at least one shooting star. My friend did join me, we talked, we laughed, we cried and we heard kiwis calling out in the bush. It was magic.

Reality kicked in when I needed to return home to the cat. Joe packed a sad and asked again and again to keep trying. Again and again I refuse.

You see, I got my results in last week from my three weekly bloods and the stress is taking a toll. I can’t keep going on like this.
I am currently getting the house ready to sell and move on with my life. It can’t come soon enough.

I tried a run this morning but the body was too tired. Rest and early night tonight. This weekend I’m taking a team up the mountain so have to get some sleep in.

Divorce I can’t run from. I see that now.

[Mental Fairy]

Rub a dub dub.

[Mental Fairy]

Bush across from tent

[Mental Fairy]

Auckland cityscape

[Mental Fairy]

Auckland bridge, I tried to drive to it but kept getting lost