Mind Body and Trauma

[manuel_moe_g]

I hate the idea of Troebia burning his art. Want to drive up with a truck, and rescue it before Troebia can bring a lit match to it.

Really feeling the reality of Mental Fairy being married to a man who wants nothing more than extinguishing her unique and powerful light

[Mental Fairy]

I agree MM.

There is a difference between the art from someone you have intimate knowledge about and art from someone you don’t. Your work is far more powerful because we are privileged to get to know you. That means more to me than art from someone whom I don’t communicate with.

[troebia]

Now I think I know what you both are saying, and it moves me. But I insist, there's a fundamental difference between much (not all!) art that can be found in galleries and creations like my own: good art can be universally appreciated. It's a bit like the outward "defects" of a person you've been friends with for a long time: you don't see these features anymore and can even appreciate them in an affectionate way, while a similar unknown person you cross on the street could strike you as odd, weird or even ugly. But if you happen to come across a famous actor or model on the sidewalk, you would surely notice a general positive excitement around them. These famous people have an effortless "something" that makes them stars, and the same concept applies to the creations of successful artists.

Of course, you could walk past a painting by for example Anselm Keifer and not like it, but it doesn't leave you or almost anyone else indifferent because it has such a powerful voice. Still it's just some paint on a canvas, and maybe took a week or so to make. Other important artists like David Hockney have reduced their creation input to just a few moments of scribbling on a Ipad. Instead of provoking a gut punch or a swoon, Hockney's art is more of a "whoa!" or a perfect short bit by a stand-up comedian. Also, I'm simply in awe when these artists explain their process because it usually goes much beyond what I initially had imagined, and it adds to the depth and appreciation of their work.

EDIT: Just watch this guy (Peter Young) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEnx7_eJe2I talk about how his art developed.

I on the other hand often just...scribble, to relieve my anxieties, my frustrations, regrets, my depressive thoughts. I'm not too happy about unconsciously communicating these feelings through my drawings but it is what it is, what is on the inside seeps out through the cracks...

[manuel_moe_g]

You are very skilled at expressing the <shapes> of things, including the shapes of ideas and feelings, Troebia

[troebia]

Things are really like, shit right now. I communicated my desperation to my wife and she said, do what you have to do and if we break up there will be a lot of logistics to deal with like selling the house but 'I'll be taking care of MIL until the end'. There is one additional circumstance making me cautious, and it's the fact that I probably wouldn't adapt to living in Sweden (the obvious alternative) after so many years in Spain. If I were to bug out, my sights are instead set on the Aragon province just inland from here. It's a region that is steadily losing population because of the lack of industry and employment prospects, but the people hanging on there are more similar to my mindset. There are young couples homesteading almost like in 19th century USA, settling into abandoned farms and getting by somehow with small business initiatives and subsistence farming, partly because of the amount of space available and also the fact that any sort of initiative is well received by the local government. Maybe I could find a place where my manual skills are needed and perhaps even get to know some woman my age that appreciates a geezer like me who knows how to fix stuff and can still do a bit of hard work. In return I just need a hug. A real hug. I'm crying now...

[Mental Fairy]

Oh my friend I am so sorry, I wept when I read your post.

Found out this morning my ex husband had been having an affair for many months before the separation. With a bloody nurse of all people. When I found out I felt like I had been punched in the lungs. Anger is brewing, sadness is rising not to mention the feeling of stupidity. I should have known. I did have a funny feeling about it but never really thought it was real. I don’t know what to say.

He made me feel so worthless. I hate this feeling. I actually don’t know how to explain this feeling, it’s incredibly hard to describe.

A dear friend sent me some pics today of something amusing. I laughed for the first time in days. Since then I have began packing up the surgery for our move from the clinic. I’m packing at home to begin the move to the new location to live. Two more weeks to go for new house, four for new work.

My brain is firing off some weird signals. I tried to get on the yoga mat last night, sadly I can’t get into the mindset to shut off. Everything is so heightened. I will try again today.

Better get back to paperwork.

Thank you again for opening up Troebia. Thinking of you.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Found out this morning my ex husband had been having an affair for many months....

What an absolute shit! And he was following you around, and trying to "reconcile" IF you gave up your friends and Taranaki??!
WTF? WTF? What an inflated sense of entitlement!

Sorry, but he seems like a royal ass.

[troebia]

Found out this morning my ex husband had been having an affair for many months before the separation.

Ouch. That must feel like the final blow. At least you know without doubt that you're on the right path now. What was even his plan, trying to coax you back while also being involved with someone else?? I don't really want to know.

Everything is so heightened.

This. I was going through the grove with the brush cutter, preparing the ground for the olive harvest. I suddenly began to cry. My daughter must have sensed something and came to check on me a bit later, and I hugged her. When I finished the job I took a bottle of whiskey and sat in my workshop, must have finished a third of it. This is not sustainable. Everything hurts. Having you to talk to helps.

[Mental Fairy]

I agree about not wanting to know what my ex husbands intention was. Control? Not sure.

What i am finding is i have no emotional pain from it. Numb. This numbness is very concerning to me. For three, maybe four years i have been working on myself in many ways. I've been stretched out on many yoga mat, dunked in ice cold water, climbed, hiked, biked, swam, run and even screamed into really good quality pillows, because i thought my exhale needed the best of the best. Let it be a lesson, goose down pillows vs memory foam pillows make no difference to the out crying of emotional pain. But once you are done screaming i do like the goose down to rest on.

Yesterday after finding out about my ex husband, i did feel like i wanted to vomit. Still do. I wasn't able to go back to the house. If it wasn't brick i would burn the place to the ground if i could. Instead of going home i drove south. I got behind the wheel and let my brain decided where it felt right to go. I took a drive past my soon to be home, i turned south at the intersection and made my way inland to my son out on the farm. Two hours later there i was, sat on our mattress on the floor talking to my boss about the latest update. He is a great listener.

On my way out to the farm i did text Matt and Brad that i was coming out there for a visit. As they were out of range the message never got through till they left the bush after spot spraying in preparation for planting redwoods. As they were driving back to the farm house they got the text. Moments later they were on the porch looking at me through the screen door in amazement that i came out all that way just to see them. They were planning on coming through to town to see me and would of of gone north to come to New Plymouth. Whereas i went south. So if Matt hadn't of been so hungry for a feed they would of gone the other way and we would of missed each other. The roads in and out of this area are not for beginner drivers. Narrow, muddy and dangerous. What i really wanted to do was hike to the top of the hills at the back of the farms and scream. I stopped myself from doing this as i don't want Matt seeing me fall to bits. I can see he is hurting.

After cooking up some Hungarian meatballs over the fire i left them to it. Driving home i listened to three episodes of Mental Illness happy Hour.

What i have come to notice is i am detaching myself a lot. I have to do this on my way home each day. It is similar to how i felt as a child. I had to separate myself from this other part of me. It is so hard to explain. The exhaustion of all of this is taking its toll. Sleep is random and not natural. It doesn't come easy and some nights not at all. I feel like I'm observing myself at times. Especially in the house. Next weekend is the move from my current home to the rental. I have a friend who has a trailer and horse trailer, will be loading it all up Sunday night and getting out of there. While the house is in the selling phase i have time to go back and tidy things up. Joe still goes there to sleep sometimes, he never enters the kitchen or lounge. Just sleeps and goes from time to time. The feeling of not knowing when he is coming and going takes me back to being a child again. The ongoing fight, flight freeze feeling comes in ways.

I fear all this ground work i did to help myself is lost. It will take some processing. Divorce is brutal in many ways. But so freeing in others. I am so glad i don't have to check in all the time. I love that part. I am free to do my own adventures without permission or ridicule. I look back now and see how toxic the marriage was. How unhealthy and stunting.

Eating food has become a chore, never hungry and no desire. I look forward to being able to cook again in a non toxic environment.

When an email notification comes up on my phone i get anxious. No idea why. Similar to calls.

I look at myself in the mirror now and see whats left of me. What this event has done to me physically and mentally.
I will learn to love, i will learn to accept love. I will come back from this stronger. I'm just not sure when or how just yet.

There have been countless times i have thought about buying a bottle of wine or three and stopped myself. I know i have the personality that could rely on it for comfort and release. This is not something i wish to start. However, i have been asked by my new landlord and property manager to join them for a wine this weekend. I meet them only once at the viewing of the house and next minute we are planning wine and coffee together. Three women all going through divorce at the same time. We hit it off straight away. When i was standing next to the property manager i could see she was hurting, there was this deep sadness in her eyes. There were moments i felt she needed comfort. Sure enough my intuition was correct. It is interesting how life goes and brings new people into our worlds at different points.

Currently at work, looking up from my computer there are men outside up a ladder taking our signs down. The pharmacy has closed down, as has radiology. All because of new owners who are making high demands. This will be our last month of being here. We will close in the coming three weeks. After that we will rebuild at the new location. Until then it will be a series of tearful moments and happy moments. We will celebrate new beginnings. I have promised however the day i turn my key in the lock one last time i will go to the pub. End of an era here.

Well better get a wiggle on and get some accounts done.

I send you all kiwi hugs and love.

Gia

[snoringdog]

Hello Gia,

You're facing so, so much, and all at once.
Why the hell does life have to be that way?

But your posts are truly inspiring. You show so much strength.

About the numbness right now.. maybe not so strange given all the circumstances?
You only have so much in the tank.

And it's a shame about your new acquaintances, but maybe you can help each other through.

Wishing you well. Keep swimming.

SD