Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

You have a lot on your plate!

When I wake early and can't go back to sleep, my mind races a lot. If I'm feeling bad, it's a lot of negative, and when I'm energized, it's a rush of "gotta or wanna do..".

I've taken to having a small notebook and pen by the bed to write the things down, and it's helped me to relax a bit, and even sometimes go back to sleep.

A couple of other ideas -

Weather. You and your countrymen have been suffering through a lot, and it weighs. Weeks of rain and gloom weigh heavily on the mind.

Any change of meds is something to be conscious of. Often overlooked.

I hope things brighten up for you today, literally & figuratively.

SD

and a P.S. - You are not your running. No one is counting. No one is judging you.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi lovely SD

Sitting in my lounge hold that thought I’ll take a photo!

[Mental Fairy]

Spot the kitty. Bottom right!

The rain has stopped for a bit. It’s been horrid. So many without homes and red stickers on doors.

We are fortunate so will help where we can.
I feel today was a full plate but I got through it. I will take up the pen and paper beside the bed. Can I ask why you wrote down? To dos? Must do’s? Must not do!!

I got through my medical typing today. Had a surprise visit from my husbands Aunty whom came up from Wellington. We both are book nerds so talked books. She is staying with her brother. My husbands grandpa.

I’ve done my groceries online as I can’t face supermarket. My birds are full to the feathers in good seeds. Lucky my husband has the car or there will be a weekend of cleaning. He’s on nights so star fish for me.

My boy is 18 this time next week, I wanted to know what all you lovely people were doing at 18? I ran away from home! I told my family I was going on a trip for study but booked a bus and took off to South Island. I was not a happy camper at 18. I recall massive rejection from my mother. I recall seeing hurt in her eyes. I recall regret. No point wishing it was different as it can’t be changed. If I knew then what I know now I would of been kinder to her. I would of demanded some love!!!

I regret so much but we live and we learn. If I come back after this life I will absolutely do things differently. I will also allow myself to be loved. That is my struggle. I can’t stand it! I run a mile. It is scary love. Affection and all that. It’s very concrete in emotional giving. I love what family I have and absolutely my cat! But I can’t stand touch, I guess that makes me weird.

This weekend is upon us here and I understand the rain will fall. That’s ok. That’s life.
I plan to make some lovely dinner for my friend down the road as a thank you for being her. She is the lady that saw me last week for Kinesiology.

She asked if I carry shame and I do. She asked if I carry regret and I do. I have to learn to shed that suit of regret and shame. Just need to find a different tailor!

Hugs to all, I need a shower and yoga I feel.

Thinking of you all. Please guide me on what to write down when I wake. I need all the help I can get!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy (Gia),

I owe you a post, it'll be in the Introducing Yourself thread.

Didn't actually "run away" at 18, but I did of sorts, by joining a Christian commune....
Looking for a different world. Really unhappy with this one at the time (still am!).
Stay tuned....

As far as writing things down in the am - it's whatever comes to mind. The idea is to get it out of the roiling brain and onto paper. That really helps.

Sometimes when I awake, and am at the edge of consciousness, I have a feeling of guilt and dread. (I hear that this is also sometimes experienced by women at menopause?) It passes upon fully awakening.

So, the writing just gets things out of my slightly-obsessive brain first thing and into an external format. I can then deal with it later. It helps to quiet my mind for a bit, and I can then close my eyes and relax.

So many things in your post to ask about, but it's after midnight here, EST time..
(What is "starfish")

On behalf of the birds - thanks for the seeds!
This am, I listened to African bird calls during the drive to work instead of anything else. Sometimes I just want to fly away with them...

Be well.

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD, interesting background I must say. How long were you there for? What did your family do?

Star fish is when you sleep in bed like a star fish, or like a snow angel! Odd thing is the cat takes up as much room at possible so I don’t get much say.

I sleep walked last night and weirdly enough knew I was on a journey in my own head. I recall the dream as I was at home in my dream. I was walking out the back door and did exactly that! Woke up outside on the back porch looking for something but not sure what. Lucky son was home. I do this only when I’m stressed and I don’t feel overly stressed currently, more detached?

Went on a big morning run, got super angry over three others out running also!!! As soon as sun came up I stopped. I tried to keep going but felt like I was looking over my shoulder all the time. Felt unsafe. Got home started doing lots on the garden, mowed the lawns before the next rain and planted some dahlias that I grow from bulbs every year that came from my ancestors collection.
Made dinner for friend for tomorrow and stressed about another night of possible walk abouts. So so so lucky we don’t have a pool.
When I dream it’s so real I can smell, taste and hear everything. It’s so weird. I recall years ago when we first moved here I woke thinking there was a massive person beside me and had sleep paralysis. My husband flipped out as I screamed and couldn’t move.

We all have something I guess and this is mine!

Our birds are so so happy currently and so annoying I didn’t have phone on me earlier as a beautiful king fisher bird landed right beside me in the garden and immediately I thought of you SD. It was beautiful to see.

I was listening to podcasts as I was gardening and one I love is called the shallow end. I was in my own world and started laughing out loud to myself in the garden and had to sit down to catch my breath. It’s one podcast that I always listen to now weekend just to get me to laugh! It’s absolutely worth the listen.

Just me tonight so if I don’t reply in the next few days I might be off wondering the north island looking for critters or fighting gladiators! I wish sleep was easy.
I feel for you Oak, I know it’s not the same as your condition but the lack of quality sleep is starting to take its toll.
If you haven’t learnt by now I don’t stop to rest much, I love to keep busy. I guess it avoids dealing with the emotions. That could be my biggest problem!
Work in progress.

Thinking of you all.

Oak I know the weekend is here so stay cool calm and collective. Hoping this Sunday is kind to you.

[Mental Fairy]

Done it again, woke tipping all the contents of our drawers out. Contacting sleep clinic tomorrow this is becoming a major problem.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for posting.

You certainly have a lot on your plate. While there is much I could say, I'm a little tired/crabby after a long week, but I am very pleased to hear you are planning on contacting a sleep doctor. As far as top priorities go, that is an excellent first step.

Also, I am touched you and the others remembered my Saturday sorrow! I'll post more about that on said thread, but in the meantime please know I am grateful.

Hang in there!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Yes, glad to hear it. How unnerving it must be to awaken when out of bed!

You probably know this stuff, but here's a link with a bit of an explanation.
https://www.sleepfoundation.org/parasomnias/sleepwalking..

Interesting to note that it occurs at a particular time in the sleep cycle...

Because sleepwalking is connected to a specific sleep stage, it often happens around the same time each night. Waking someone up just before that time can prevent them from having the partial awakening that can provoke sleepwalking.

Anticipated awakening has been effective in helping many children stop sleepwalking. It may be useful for others but has not been carefully studied in adult patients.

Take care.

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you SD. The sleep clinic can’t help me. It’s out of their scope!
Today has been a low day. Got up for my run, nailed it.
Got home and slowly I felt it creeping in. Had a half day at work as this afternoon had to renew my drivers license and grab some things for Matt’s 18th.
Shit I had depression. It’s like a leach that sucks your soul out through your feet. Everything feels heavy and overwhelming.
Listened to an episode of mental health happy hour and this was a tough one to listen too. I related to it so deeply I felt like it pulsed through my veins.
I feel enormous grief today. My one and only uncle rung me last night and I refused to answer. The thought of even picking up the phone was to much. He is on the nasty hole of grief for some time now and sadly it’s taken a toll on him. More of the liquid courage type. Drunk after 11am every single day. I’m hoping he will get dementia and forget to drink as it will be me looking after him. He lives close enough to us we can hear his lawnmower but far enough we can’t smell his tobacco. I love him dearly but I can’t get past his depression as it makes mine look controlled when it’s not really. Yes I take medication but he takes nothing unless it’s brewed.

I’m making home made pizza for tea and I don’t have the energy. I tried washing the car and managed one door.

Just miss my family. Just hurt for the times past.
I know this sounds dumb but is 18 years this Friday since I gave birth and lost my most beloved family member Grampy. Maybe, that’s why I’m feeling this way. Maybe that’s why I’m sleep walking?

I don’t know, but it hurts. I can’t take any more loss. It’s to hard. Way to hard.

Hope Oak is ok with Sunday with you currently. Can’t thank you enough SD. Your advice and finding things for me means a lot.

Don’t panic I don’t feel suicidal, I just feel heavy and empty. You all mean so much and we have never even had a cuppa together! Wtf!!!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

What a shitload of trouble. I'm sorry.

It's early here, and I was lying awake for a while.
Man, the brain is a restless animal!
Jumbled stream of the bad, the good, the interesting, the threatening. Yikes.

So much in your post to respond to...

But a short funny story about Motor Vehicle Dept. Ours has always had a reputation for being painfully slow with lazy and unpleasant personnel. A few years ago, I was due for a license renewal, and I happened to come across one of those souvenir Elvis driver's licenses (maybe from a Vegas trip?).

Went to the counter where the phalanx of grouses was waiting for me. Handed the license to one of them and said I was there for a renewal. After a second or two she burst out laughing and then passed the license around to the group. Much laughter and chatter. And I got the best service I ever had that day!

I'm sorry about your uncle. Everyone has their load of pain, but not always the wherewithal to handle it, right? People are difficult. What a mess we are as a species... I wish the world was different. (Little blurb that might be of interest -
https://1000wordphilosophy.com/2021/02/08/hell-is-other-people/).

About the sleepwalking, I'm surprised that the sleep clinic has nothing to offer. But from the little bit of reading on sleep recently, there don't seem to be really clear answers either.

The book by Dement talks a lot about the sleep deficit that most of us carry around. Turns out that most people really do need 7 to 9 hours each night, based on studies and experimentation over the years. And there's really no way around this, so any loss of sleep just builds as a deficit.

So in sleepwalking, the built-up sleep deficit keeps part of the brain "asleep" while built-up stresses bring the arousal and "wakening". So it's like two sub-systems are at odds. And it seems to occur earlier rather than later at night ("when the sleep deficit is highest") before the REM (dreaming) phase.

Do you have any sense of a pattern to the episodes?
Stressors during the day? Amount of sleep loss leading up to it?
Maybe keep a diary?

And please try to keep the environment safe for yourself! (Tripping and falling and all..).

Wishing you the best.

SD