Mind Body and Trauma

[manuel_moe_g]

My brain feels so much safer In the dark.

i know this feeling

please take care, Mental Fairy. your post is emotional and bitter-sweet

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I'm honored by your response. Really.

I feel yes the mood had been off and some shame comes with that. I guess it’s only natural. I know this might sound silly but I found a dead bird in the shed on Monday and I felt overwhelmed with grief. It was a sparrow whom maybe got trapped. I gave it a burial and carried on. However I did notice my emotions shift. It’s so confronting to see end of life regardless of the creature. This is my brain I know!

Where's the shame in what you're describing? Interesting how depression works, isn't it? Feeling really flat on the one hand, but also strong grief and emotion at times as well.

It was disturbing and upsetting to me to find the beautiful little Wilson's the other week at work, but it helped to think of the ones who do make it, and that lots of people are aware of the problems with buildings and finding ways to reduce the impacts.

And if you haven't yet, I encourage you to read that NYTimes essay on smushing bugs, and the comments. It really spoke to me years ago when I read it. (I don't agree with his view on Drosophila though. So much has been learned about genetics from those little critters!).

And "A mouse is miracle enough to stagger sextillions of infidels"

So now, running low on laptop battery, words, thoughts, & energy...
(I envy all those touch typists so much more eloquent than me!)

Maybe more in the a.m. Good night..

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

Keep us posted regarding your colleagues’ efforts regarding your health. It sounds like you’re in excellent hands.

Congratulations on the new air fryer!

Here are two suggestions:

1. Put a chicken thigh or two (or drumstick) for the indicated time/temp, take them out, put some bbq sauce on them, and enjoy. They’re divine!

2. Slice some cherry tomatoes in half, and throw them in there for about five minutes. If you like umami, you’re in for a real treat.

Let us know how it goes!

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF for publicizing the forum and your kind words on the latest episode.

[Mental Fairy]

Today my friends and battlers of the minds in arms, I felt a little lift.

You all have some form of beautiful influence in one way or another, the the nicest of ways.

Let me begin with Oak. My boys/men of the house got this air fryer! Joe has done the tomato’s you suggested and they were a hit.
I am a traditional cook and was a little sceptical about cooking in it, I tried however. It worked well. Our son is out with friends surfing so tonight we had dinner and as we don’t drink we raised a class of juice to you Oak.

As Beany so kindly pointed out I made a little nod of gratitude to you all on the podcast. While we had our carrot Cous cous and honey salad with chicken Joe and i listened to the song Oak sent me the day I was struggling with therapy. I played the podcast shout out to you all for Joe to hear. And he said to say from him to you all he is grateful you are all here. The struggling day to day is real. Today was so bloody hard this morning. My running is not even close to what it used to be. I did a tempo run and after the first 27 min the negative demon sat on my shoulder the rest of the way. I was doing so well, running strong then my shoelace came undone and I had to stop. The brain also did. In a matter of seconds the negativity started. It was so powerful and overwhelming.

Since I have had somewhat better control of my eating and more positive people around me I have put a little weight on. Not a lot but enough to change my running style. At race weight I was 56kg. Currently on 67kg.
After the run a self hatred started to ring in my ear.
I got home and told Joe we were going out for breakfast as if I stayed home I knew I would turn on myself. I had a half portion of eggs on toast. I felt the old Gia coming back.
I pulled out a pen and notebook from my bag and immediately at the table began writing to distract myself from the thoughts of not deserving breakfast. Immediately I was thinking of Manuel Moe and his struggles. I felt a softness suddenly that I wasn’t alone. We were at the cafe by our house immediately when the doors opened so little people were there. Four in fact!

We went to see Joes grandpa whom is in his mid 90s. I will tell you about him in another post as we are currently supporting him through a tricky time in regards to his son aged 64 coming out of a life sentence for murder. Yes, I know. I’m deeply concerned myself.

Anywho, after grandpas we went to garden store to get some watermelon seeds and more plants for the back garden. Again got home and guilt in me from the run took hold. I went to get changed into my training gear and got on the bike. 15km later I got home and felt better for it. Went to town and brought shorts for summer as I have gone up a size. I was not happy.

Then the air fryer and the reminder of Oak and all of you really came over me like a wave. I felt a sense of relief I had you all to mentally vomit on! So there it is in a large nut shell.

A day of up and down and all around.

I have a new work colleague whom wants to make small talk and texts from time to time. I’m trying to avoid them as if they really knew who I was, sleeping walking, paralysis sleeper, buggered bowel and mental suffering women, they would wonder how on earth I’m employed!!!

I am making progress, if I wasn’t I would be skin and bones or worm food.

My ducks haven’t been today as I mowed the lawns and they hate the noise it makes.

I send you all my mental love and hope your making progress Oak. SD and his wonderful wisdom and Beany whom I deeply feel for currently through your hard time. Manuel Moe for being here for everyone and the work you do in the background. I do miss rivergirl.
Duck1 also!

Gosh we need to have T-Shirts made!

[rivergirl]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I'm sorry that I've been absent. Thank you for sharing all the updates on your life. I feel deeply concerned for you but also hopeful.

I'm glad the Lego event turned out so well for you even though it was also difficult. And I hope being part of the health study provides you a little bit of peace of mind in some way.

I'm so sorry about the demons you struggle with. You're not alone in feeling like you have all these issues that you wouldn't share with most people in your life, and that they would be shocked to know. I do think having had these struggles probably makes you more compassionate in your work, although I would never say therefore it's good you went through all these terrible things and trauma.

About sleep paralysis, I don't know if I was aware this was part of your sleep issues. I've also had that intermittently in my life. It struck when I was in college, and then less frequently since then. I would be half asleep/half awake, unable to move, and hallucinating shapes and images on the walls of the bedroom. I'm so sorry that this is an ongoing issue for you.

Sending love & virtual hugs,

rivergirl

[rivergirl]

p.s.

I forgot to mention that I think it's not strange, but actually beautiful that you felt grief the little sparrow in your shed, and that snoringdog felt that way about the Wilson's bird at his work.

Also beautiful that you have compassion for your neighbor in the loss of her cat. I once attended a little memorial dinner for my friend's cat (held on the lovely patio of the Italian restaurant adjacent to her home, where her cat would get treats from the waiters.) Just last night I was watching "The Durrells in Corfu" BBC series and the episode featured a funeral for a bat presided over by a Greek Orthodox priest.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Rivergirl

Thank you for your response, brought a wave of relief and warmth to know you are there.

My sleep paralysis has got to me again last night, was brief but also manageable. Thankfully not in surgery today, just in clinic for a few hours. Have an early finish as need to go get some milk from the farm and cat food for my lion!

I have a serge of worry currently, tonight we have a meeting with the parole board as Joes Uncle whom i have never met is coming out of a life sentence. We have 12 months to prep for this and its very detailed. As Joe has very little family himself it is left to myself and Joe plus his living grandfather (90+) years old, whom is also the father of the prisoner to sort what happens out. I'm worried and i'm not going to pretend i'm ok with this.
This man went to his home intoxicated 16+ years ago and brutally killed his partner, it was a long beating with some horrific injuries. If, and i say this with the most up most of respect, if he had just come in and done it with less brutality i would be able to process this better. However, this was not the case, it was over 2 hours of beating, cutting and torture. Then he went bush for 9 days, was found when he returned to the house and tried to hide in the roof.
The worst bit is the kids were home, both under 5.

We were asked to take the kids back then so they wouldn't be held by the state. We declined as we were living out of the country at the stage.

This man is coming out, i have no idea the protocols of his release so will be having the meeting tonight to talk about what happens. I fear that he is currently 67 i think so he will be coming out with nothing. No home, no money, no licence, just his life, his soul and his will to live maybe.

There is a hurt part of me that is so scared. I was a victim of crime, i was affected in ways i can't to this day try to wrap my head around. I slept badly last night due to the fear. The system over here is a mess and i know people can be helped behind bars, i just don't know this mans triggers. I want nothing to do with him.

The media is already sniffing around, the journalist that has followed this for years will be knocking. I understand we will have some level of protection but i'm unsure of the levels until later tonight.

Do i think he should come out, no.
Do i think people are safe with him out, no.
Will i stand before the judge and confirm that, yes.

This is all new to me so the feelings are new.

Take this as it comes i guess.

Mental hugs to you all.

[Mental Fairy]

Forgot to mention i watched that movie Capote in the weekend......OMG. Such a good movie.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, I’m glad you enjoyed the movie. He was a very American sort of man, and I think you have more than a little American spirit yourself.

Also, in honor of the new addition to your household, I put some tomatoes and onion in the air fryer to honor your excellent choice in countertop umami joy-bringing appliances. I was rueing my lack of peppers and mushrooms for the pasta, but leaving the house on Sunday is not going to happen.

I am sorry your (frankly) evil relative is being set free.

I encourage you and your family to have a frank discussion about what lengths you’ll be prepared to immediately effect if he shows up.

I would recommend the excellent book “When Violence is the Answer”, but can’t. Not because it is a bad book (I think it is a good book), but it is about as triggering as both “The Body Keeps the Score” and “The Gift of Fear”.

Simply put, there comes a time where we may have to fight for our lives.

I hope that doesn’t happen with this situation, but this guy has demonstrated “asocial violence”. Not good, my friend.