Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

Agreed, as always, with our good friend SnoringDog.

I hope you continue to do well, Mental Fairy. Keep us posted.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi all

Big week.
Telling mum her 16 year old girl has gynaecological cancer. Broke me
Then telling a 50 year old who has similar cancer and she didn’t give a rats arse about herself, she has known untreated diabetes and kidneys are close to failure. She just didn’t care.

Let me confused.

Anywho, my dear ducks followed me to work. Yes I have photos. Followed my car and I had to walk them across the street to office where they stayed till lunch. Made their way home again.

My boss brought me duck paper clips. The patients think is funny and I feel like a mother ducker!

Tomorrow is race day for 40km. Nervous!

My son has hired a personal trainer and is getting up early to go to the gym to work on himself. Proud of him. He took his dad this morning about 4am! Both came home and fell asleep again. I don’t blame them as it’s been nothing but thunder and lightning here.

Will upload some photos!

[Mental Fairy]

Dee and Uckie outside work

[Mental Fairy]

My ducky clips!

[snoringdog]

Great that your son and husband are going to the gym together!

Love the ducks!

Love the paperclips!

[oak]

I’m glad you are enjoying your ducks!

I’m also very proud of your husband for going back to the gym.

If you can ease him into the Mediterranean diet, he and I can be fitness siblings.

Also, much as I’d like to make good on my promise of a 5k on Thanksgiving, Mental Fairy, I’ve instead scheduled for gentle yoga that day, and strengthening flow yoga tomorrow. I’ll send some flexibility-based experience/strength/hope vibes as you begin your week.

Lastly, I’m enjoying my new mat. Thank you for encouraging me to consider getting one.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi oak and SD.
Thank you both. My ducks have become part of the daily routine.

My drunken uncle is doing my head in. I wish he could see himself when he is drunk up to the eyeballs in beer. So heartbreaking to watch. I just ignore him now as I don’t have the strength to say anything anymore.

My big run yesterday went well. I was tired tired afterwards I slept on my yoga mat after a stretch!

I am super proud that Matt is Joes wingman at the gym. I am hoping it lasts. Getting Joe onto a diet will be tough as he’s always on the road now!!!

We have had five days of thunder and lightning storms and three more days of it! So much for summer.

Really in a bit of a head spin as sleep is tricky currently since coming across home invasion on run the other day. Made me on edge.

Lots of mental love to all. Currently at the office trying to get this week started! Felts like a push start.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi All

I wanted to share with you something that happened to me over the last few days.

As you are all aware i have a long history of working in dentistry until i decided to study further in medicine. I walked away from dental a couple of years ago, almost three. I was doing study over this time, things were hard as i was a workaholic to hide from the pain below boiling away like some mud pool. My health was suffering as well as the people around me watching me die in slow motion almost.
I had great workmates and my fellow male colleague showed an interest in me that made me feel forever uncomfortable, on edge and scared. I was always on guard.

I handed in my notice when he made an approach on me i did not favour towards. He soon left and so did the rest of them! Even the receptionist.

Since then the practice when downhill and was soon brought out by a Dentist i know but whom lives seven hours away. His plan was to rebuild and turn it into an emergency clinic. I know the current dentist there now and familiar with all the temp staff members. It is a small town.

Over the weekend i got a text on my phone from the new owner in need of help and asked me to step in on weekends to help him out. He had no one else to lean on. At first i wanted to help, i am that person! I thought about it more and wished i said nothing.
But chance yesterday i reached out to the current dentist working out of there and asked to meet with her and the team tomorrow to see what the situation is and where i can help. She have me a little warning things were bad and she was thinking of leaving herself.

I went down yesterday lunchtime. I have not been in this clinic for some time. It felt weird.

I am not sure if anyone else has had this feeling, when you walk into a place you spent a lot of time in and you go back years later and it is like you can see your past self there. The place felt repressive, spooky and empty. It had no soul.

The clinic used to hum, it was so busy, lively and fun. Yes we dealt with some very horrible situations and had emergency's walking in the door at random. We used to have music on, tv going for patients, fish tank lit up and laughter all the time. Yesterday it was like walking into a morgue.
I felt every atom in my body refuse to let me walk further into the clinic. I went out the back to the staff room and had a meeting with the staff. They all know me or have heard of me so we had a very open chat. The place is in trouble. I felt like i wasn't actually taking in everything they said as i was so distracted with the ghosts of the past. My chair was still in the same place, it was at the end of the table where i would sleep sometimes from exhaustion on long shifts. My cup was still handing in the wall. The posters on the wall, the mark in the carpet where we dropped some stuff years ago. There was the blue area on the wall where my shoulder would lean when reading x-rays in my scrubs. I heard conversations and laugher going on around me from the past. Then there was the surgery itself i looked into it and almost cried. All the work i did there, the patients and struggles. I felt like i had a massive weight on my chest and i missed that part of my life for a second. As soon as i left i felt free again.

I got in my car and drove back to my medical clinic and felt home. I felt i left a part of me behind. It was so strange. Also i felt teary. relief, and more stable.

I contacted the dentist and said i can not help in as i don't think going backwards is in my best interests currently. I have a duty of care to my work and i want to be available for my current patients and i can't take his on. I felt the weight lift. I felt lighter and more in control.

For a moment yesterday, well about an hour i was back there. I was that women working from the time of dawn till dusk. I was allowing myself to be walked all over. I was scared of the man i worked with. I let myself take my eye off my own health. I let myself slide. Yesterday i saw my own past, my own ghosts of the past. I walked away from it feeling like i stepped back in time. I needed it, i needed to be reminded not to go back there. I came so close to going backwards that i can't afford to drop my own guard on my instincts.

I slept for 11 hours when i got home!! 11!!!!!!

The world works in odd ways.

[manuel_moe_g]

This is outstanding! You were so understanding and compassionate to yourself

You slept for 11 hours because the body knows

[snoringdog]

Wow! What a gripping post. (I really mean that).
Such a tumult of memories and feelings. Quite visceral, I'm sure.

It's good to see that you're maybe gaining some control of the people-pleasing tendencies you might have. (As opposed to truly wanting to help).

And when you slept, no dreams I take it? I would think this would be fertile grist....

(Dreams are strange. I don't usually have too many unpleasant ones, but did last week. And this after watching the musical "In the Heights", which I really enjoyed. Go figure).

BTW - Have you been able to read anything about sleep and sleep disorders?
(It's unfortunate that the clinic said that sleep studies were out of scope for them).

SD