Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Helo Mental Fairy,

It's still 2022 here for another hour, so we're catching up.
Thanks for the duck description, it made me smile.

I'm realizing that stress is one thing that's related to my bouts of depression.
The interval between Christmas and New Year's Day wasn't as relaxing as it could be since a backup-technical-support trip was sprung on me last minute before the break.
(So I'm travelling on New Year's Day, huzzah!).

Gathering equipment and anticipating the work weighed on me AND we're having house guests the week I'm gone.
So in addition to packing, there's cleaning and straightening up on top of it. Doesn't sound like much, but it provokes anxiety and mental exhaustion after a while. (A number of other last-minute requests came in before the break too that were taxing). Finding a balance between active planning versus ruminating and stopping to relax was a struggle.

Now that I'm packed and about to retire for the night I feel more relaxed, like the die has been cast and all I can do now is proceed.

Glad your new year is starting out well. Let's take it a day at a time

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team

Oak, thank you for the links, very grateful.

SD thank you for your update. May I ask what your job entails? Sounds complex?

Stress seems too piggy back off depression type feelings, that feeling of not being good enough.

This morning I woke early and did a jog, it must be mind over matter thing with the running as the darkness was on fine form and I ran well for 5km. Incredible how mine works with trauma. How on earth it effects the brain is amazing and powerful. Struggle so much with day time running.


The boys and I have set a plan of attending one movie a month together, taking turns with selection. Today we went to Tom Hanks film, A man called Otto.

Trigger alert was needing in big neon signs. I shit you not I cried from start to finish. Not just a little sob, but a big long sob with such a force I couldn’t breath in the car when we left. I am grateful I took a sweater around my waist so I undid it and sobbed like a crazy lady into it.

There was a couple of scenes that really hit hard and the waves of emotions were so strong.

Oak your song link was great thank you.

Tomorrow back to work. Sigh!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I've seen the trailers for Otto, and there's a cute cat in it, no?

I imagine I'm like the lead character - an unwilling-curmudgeon wanting and waiting to be pulled in a positive direction. (Is that about right for the Otto character?)

And sometimes you just need a good cry. No shame in that. It makes us human.

(FYI - My wife and I sobbed pretty hard during "Come From Away" since we're from NJ, just across from the WTC.)

The job was show-business stuff, to support a rental & staging company that's setting up a multi-projection backdrop for a CEO press conference at a trade show in Vegas. (They bit off a bit more than they could chew.)

Got it all done today, now awaiting the next stress-fest

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

Yes there is a cat in it. He was taking care of the cat for the same reasons I got Mazie. The entire film had a profound effect on me, even Matt had a moment.

I’m back to work today, I have to focus more on my mindset with work this year. Somehow I need to leave my emotions at the door when I come home. I need to take lunch breaks and actually leave the clinic.

Your job sounds interesting SD. Is this something you have always done?

We are hoping for rain as land is very dry. I will bike as much as I can to work each day and movement is good for the mental health prior and post work day. I have tried running in daylight and struggled with it 80% of the time. Very much an early morning person, it seems to difficult to try change. Have to accept that I feel more comfortable then.

I have also noted once I leave home even driving along I become so anti people. If I could become invisible I would without question. Difficult to make eye contact with anyone as I don’t want to recognise anyone. I was asked to attend cafe yesterday with my neighbour whom I struggle to be around at times. I declined as I was unable to find the energy to deal with her. I have to have full mental batteries to deal with her. That’s very rare.

Better get into shower and make a start to the day.

Mental hugs to all.

[oak]

I need to take lunch breaks and actually leave the clinic.

Very important, my friend.

Please let me know if I can be of any assistance in helping you achieve this worthy goal this year.

[Mental Fairy]

I snapped.

Day one back at work and I snapped. I got home feeling really good about my day. Confident happy day. Doing what I love.

I got home making homemade burgers. Then I heard a noise. For the last few weeks we have put up with our neighbours kid aged about 14 bouncing basketball outside out kitchen window. The area he does this in is very small and by no means a basketball area. They could have it on their driveway so it doesn’t annoy others.

Anyway, I was trying to talk to the boys about their days and all I heard was this ball. Bounce bounce bounce. Anger seething through my veins took hold, I opened the wonder which is about 4 meters from this kid. I yelled ‘shut up’ and shut the window in an angry fashion.

I kid you not I lost my temper in that moment. I never do that. Ever. Both Joe and Matt were absolutely horrified. Joes mouth dropped and looked at me in a way like he didn’t know me. Matt laughed and said he was impressed as other neighbours have been complaining about it. I had enough. Burst, lost it and felt shame. The shame flooded me. Now I reside to my yoga mat feeling guilt for doing it, for letting out my anger for this persistent basketball! When you work shift work and have to start work at 3am like Joe does the last thing we need is that noise.

Shame, anger, pride and regret flood me.
Didn’t think I was capable of that outburst.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I had a couple of thoughts after reading your post-

Being on the receiving end of what seems like mindless, repetitive noise can be excruciating.

I occasionally have periods of misophonia, usually related to my level of stress or tiredness.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia

And the feeling that someone’s being inconsiderate and should know better and that you’re being wronged is what leads to anger. (This explains my angry responses while driving, which I’m trying to control).

You should probably acknowledge the incident with your family and discuss it instead of letting it slide (a chance for connection), and you can ask for their help by speaking with the neighbor on your behalf.

Last summer I was reaching a point of feeling overwhelmed and helpless to control the noises and circumstances around me (around the time of the sister-in-law visit). Fortunately, I was able to escape for a while, and visit the beaver pond.

One thing was that over the summer my next-door neighbor put an Alexa speaker in his garage. At random times it would rather loudly say “Someone has been detected at the front door” or “Someone has been detected at the pool” when there was no one around.

He also got in the habit of turning on the radio whether he was working in the backyard are not. Often the play lists were nice depending on the station he tuned to, but later it became an overly commercial Top 40 station where the music is monotonous and the commercials can be especially annoying.

And at one point he got onto a disco kick. Real thunka-thunka-thunka stuff when they began using mechanized rhythm tracks.

When he has family over and there’s laughing, discussion and music, I don’t mind it at all. But the mindless & reflexive reaching-for-noisy-filler is what gets me.

One morning the disco came on, and I felt like I was going to have a meltdown / breakdown. I actually started to shake a little and felt like screaming or crying which shows how bottled up I was.

I was just about to leave the house saying “I can’t take this anymore!” when my wife asked me what was wrong. I briefly told her, and she simply and calmly called the neighbor (who she knows) and asked him to turn the music down, which he immediately did.

I felt like a bit of an idiot since I could have done the same, but I was too emotionally invested in my rigid world view (“He’s an insensitive idiot!”) and feeling of impotence. (Not sure why that was, really. Maybe this was just the straw that broke the camels' back).

Anyway, a little vignette for your amusement and I hope, for your edification

SD

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

Your action was at least honest and in the moment.

It also gives you someplace to start: from what you’ve described your neighbors lack a sense of boundaries. Often we “snap” when things (such as incessant noise) go on too long.

One of my 2023 meta-goals is to have the awkward conversation.

It may be indicated to have some tough (but ultimately good) conversations with your neighbor and family. Something is not being addressed, and now you have a place to start.

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you both so much.

I was aware of things that would set me off but for some reason this moment of the ball bouncing flicked a switch in me. The rage and the tense feeling in every part of my body and mind was so overwhelming. Part of me wanted to remove myself from the kitchen but then the other part of me said this is my kitchen, my time to cook and crate and i will not back down until this ball pops or i pop. Matt is still talking about it! Joe has somewhat become very distant. He has not seem me react like that ever.

Something came to mind reading your story SD. It was my first full day back at work on Wednesday. I was doing everything in my tool kit to keep my emotions in check. To start the year with a clear mind and not take work home with me. To learn to leave my emotions at the door. I think maybe all my efforts of staying centred took over and i was determined to keep myself controlled on an emotional level.
Then when listening to the podcast you suggested things made more sense. There is a list of things that set me off, the biggest one is Joes cell phone ring. If it starts i have a vision in my mind of smashing the phone with a hammer. If he doesn't get to it in time i take action and leave the area so i don't have to hear it. The noise of the vibration when it is on silent also. I have never really invested time into thinking about this condition as i never saw it as an issue but when i look back on situations like Joes phone or dogs barking, the clicking of a gate and the rage i feel when i get in a car and the radio is on it has really been a catalyst to arguments, emotional shut downs and drives wedges in between friendships.

When Matt went home at lunchtime yesterday the kid was playing in the yard with the ball, he saw Matts car and immediately got his ball and went inside. Not a single cell in me feels bad for yelling at him. It makes me sound like a horrible person.

You learn something new every day.

Currently at my work desk now and rain is falling. There is roads closed all over the north island due to flooding. I love the rain. I had to swing by the hospital before coming to the office and felt so blissful watching the rain full. The darkness lasts longer now as the season begins to move forward into seasonal changes. I welcome this change. I

I have to say this year has really kicked off to be a learning curve.

mental hugs

[manuel_moe_g]

You are the best and so special, Mental Fairy