Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Thanks for the update. Wow.
Glad you all are OK. I hope no one is lost during the storm.

Since you mentioned volcanoes, when things settle down maybe check out the documentary about the French volcanologists if you haven't already.

https://films.nationalgeographic.com/fire-of-love

I've seen it twice, in a large-screen theater and at home, and it is mesmerizing.

(One of Maurice Kraft's dreams was to design a canoe that could travel down a lava flow!)

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

Our hill is so beautiful. It’s very much an icon of our city if not the North Island. There is something about it that just takes the breath away no matter what weather it provides. After years on that hill for runs, walks, hikes, climbs and the odd skiing attempt I respect it deeply as it’s taken many many lives. When we were part of search and rescue it never ceased to amaze me how deadly she is.

Someone asked once how people can get lost on a cone shaped volcano and that it is madness that people can get lost.
I recall being on north ridge heading up the summit trail on a beautiful day. I had all the equipment I needed and the confidence. However the clouds rolled in from the west and even though I’ve taken that trail many times I become blinded. I could not see three feet in front of me. There is massive drop offs on this hill and one wrong step and you’re gone. I called Joe, said I was in a whiteout and I could be late! I sat there for a while. Had a moment of talking nicely to the hill and just below me I saw a bright red colour. It was a pack of someone below me. Even though you are on a gradient you still don’t trust what’s below. If it wasn’t for that person with a red pack I think it would have been a camp out until the weather cleared. The silly thing is when you love a place so darn much and it’s flowing through you there is an acceptance that my life was in my hands and I wouldn’t mind dying up there. Once I got into ice climbing then fear became pure. The emotional relief when you get back down is magical. However my life insurance policy said it wouldn’t cover me if I fell on ice!

Many years later I was bum sliding down a ridge to get back to car faster as I was late yet again. Once I was close to what I thought was safe I took off my crampons and carried on. The sun had moved and a part where I was kicking steps was already freezing over, I took a big fall and went to self arrest with ice axe, the darn thing implanted itself into my left cheek! Popped a disk in my back L5 S1 and made my way home with my tail between my legs!

Never did gain my confidence back after that!

Good times!
Am looking at heading up this weekend when weather drops.

[snoringdog]

Someone asked once how people can get lost on a cone shaped volcano and that it is madness that people can get lost

I used to wonder how pilots could lose their sense of direction and not even know when they were flying upside down. But a little time underwater (Which way is up?!) and in whiteout conditions educated me... It takes so little to throw us off. A little tired, a little dizzy, a little anxious...

Never did gain my confidence back after that!

Older and wiser. That's great.
Take things, literally, a step at a time.

to get back to car faster as I was late yet again.

How much faster, really, would you have been? 30 seconds, 5 minutes? Would it have mattered, looking back now?

A simple New Year's resolution I've made is to try to stop and take a breath before answering someone, promising something, or walking out the door to somewhere. The initial feeling of anxiety, though it feels invigorating and lends a feeling of importance to whatever is at hand really isn't helpful in the long run.

Am looking at heading up this weekend when weather drops

You might like the movie "Infinite Storm" with Naomi Watts doing search and rescue in the mountains-
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/03/24/movies/infinite-storm-review.html

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you SD for that link, i will have a look.

As for how late i would of been that day i had the fall....maybe a couple of hours! Back then i was fully invested on the hill. It was my escape, my cubby house and my sanctuary. It almost destroyed my marriage. When i was on call for the district back in my dental days i would keep my cell phone in my front pocket and if the hospital rung i would take the call and sort the patients out in a time frame i could run back down to the car, treat the patients back at the clinic, finish up and head up the hill to the nearest hut. Spend the night, get a climb in next morning and head back down.

I feel ashamed typing this, but that was me for many years battling loss, abuse and shame. I felt like i needed to smack fear in the face and dare it to take me out if that makes sense. It was a boxing match with an invisible self. I still feel that pull to the hill everytime i look at the window at home. Joe says i can go back up but not like i used too. I had to sell all my gear that i needed for the ice. He didn't trust my judgement anymore.

It could of been worse, i could of turned to drinking or drugs, instead i picked adrenaline. It still makes me feel strong emotions just thinking about it. To sit on some of my favorite spots up there and just listen to the wind, fell the fog wrap around me and the little droplets of water it brings with it.
When i started full time climbing and guiding i found it depleted me. I was up there to teach and guide. It wasn't the same. I was inviting people onto my playground and it made me angry. It was like they were trespassing. I had to step back from that role as i lose the passion for it. My brother Aaron is much the same, however his is white water kayaking and not the kind you whistle down a rapid with a smile on your face. More the kind you hold onto dear life and pray you make it out alive! Not my thing!

I can confirm my sleeping issue is gone up a level. I have now got a sleep monitor and last night i was up walking nine times. The night before it was like watching a game of twister being played out and i was the only player! I awoke with no sheets or pillows, even the mattress topper was pulled off.
Will have to find some solutions. longest time walking around was 13 minutes.

Better get back to my paperwork and sort some more files. Going to support one of my dads old friends at burn clinic this afternoon while they have their dressings changed.

Take care all.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

I’m hoping the storm has passed, and that everyone is okay.

Thank you for sharing about your dear hill.

At the risk of being woo-woo, I think we can connect with specific earth.

Said more concretely, and using my own example, I believe I trauma-bonded, after my brother’s death, with the site of the May 4 shootings, a generation after it happened.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kent_State_shootings

I think vibes remain, even after years, in the earth.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak,

I agree 100%. I see the hill and the surrounding rangers and my heart melts for it. It's like seeing a true love!!!

So sorry about your brother Oak, i understand that attachment. Once i was at a lodge up on ridge and came across a women much older than me. Normally you come across people you have seen before and are regulars. She was not. She was sitting in the tussocks and weeping. I went over to ask if she was ok. She informed me she had been informed she had stage 3 breast cancer and life will be cut short. She walked for hours to get where she was in clothing not suitable to the conditions. I asked why she went to that spot, she just howled and said she felt closer to god up that high and begged him not to talk her yet. Broke my heart. I had to walk away and leave her as she requested. This was her time and her journey. Understanding people go to places at different stages in life to find peace. Maybe going back to old neighbourhoods, homes or playgrounds to find emotions or memories.

The storm is past but left devastation in its wake, much like California's cyclone. I understand we have another one on the way!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Reposting the webcam link to Taranaki-

https://www.windy.com/-Webcams/New-Zealand/New-Plymouth-District/Taranaki-volcano/webcams/1359669733?-42.339,175.154,5

It's captivating, even on a web cam. The 24-hour time-lapse function is great.

About the sleep monitor -

Glad to hear you’re able to try to get a handle on this, I guess you’ve found a clinic.

From the little bit of reading I’ve done on sleep and sleepwalking, there doesn’t seem to be a definitive cure. Mild sedatives and “Sleep hygiene” are most often mentioned.

(I woke up at 3am last night kinda agitated. Maybe one-too-many sour-dough pretzels before bed.... A recent weakness of mine. I was able to fall back to sleep after walking around a bit and having some water).

Have you been able to determine any patterns? We undergo several phases of sleep during the night, and the cycle repeats several times.

https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sleep/stages-of-sleep
https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/sleep/stages-of-sleep
https://www.sleepfoundation.org/stages-of-sleep

Sleepwalking seems to happen in non-REM stages, and nightmare in REM...

[Mental Fairy]

Hello SD and crew!

I have been very much monitoring the sleep. I’m going through many phases of deep and my REM sleep is at 19% and going through 6-9 cycles of sleep a night on average.

I located a sleep clinic up on Auckland, that’s about 7 hours away! I have them a call and become I’m a bit of a stats person I am using my new training watch that has all the monitors I can link to computers and iPad. The accuracy is rather good as I filmed my sleep for six nights and the waves of interruption matched the monitors.

I have got a meeting tonight with a triathlete whom is selling his road bike to upgrade. I tend to bike a lot up the ranges for cross training and use a heavy specialised bike. Yesterday I was up the ranger and came across a group of cyclists whom wanted me to join them on ride. I turned it down as my bike is not built for long distance speed rides. Last night I reached out to an old training partner and she informed me she is about to upgrade hers. Going over tonight to try it out. This will break up my running a bit also and cross training is beneficial in the long run.

Did a run today and my stats are good and the mood is also afterwards, however I did have a little meltdown last night and I think that was just over noise. SD, since you pointed out a possibility of having a noise pollution issue I have definitely noticed it sets me off.

Went to a food market last night with boys. I walked in and lasted 3 minutes maximum. I felt like a fit of rage came over me. The place started spinning and Joe noticed immediately I needed to leave. I ran back to the car and became rather upset, I look back at all the times we would fight when we went out and see now it maybe was because of location and noise.

I do have a couple of complex cases at work currently that are weighing on my mind and one in particular is a bit close to home. The your lady has an eating disorder and wants a child but she has gone backwards in her therapy and disease. I am having to be the support person and making her see her body would not be up to holding a child is hard. So many cases at the moment.
Patients are like family to me.

SD are you feeling a bit better after your few weeks of feeling off?


I better get into the shower and write some notes!
Need more soap oak!!!

Hugs to all.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

1. Good luck with your sleep test!

I say this not to jinx you, but to warn: I was traumatized, a word I use soberly, by both of my sleep tests. I can share specific suggestions, but I'd be very wary going in, especially as a woman. It is an extremely fraught situation.

Again, not to scare, but to forewarn.

2. Good luck with your biking!

I hope to do a duathlon in 2024. In the meantime, feel free to share photos of your trips, if you have time.

3. I'm sorry the food market was a bad experience. I'm glad you recognized that it wasn't working, and got out.

4. Eating disorders are a serious matter indeed. They are life and death. And quality of life, too.

I'm glad the soap was satisfying. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

(Lastly, thank you for your encouraging reply on my 2023 thread. I'll effect your advice, and report back mid-week. Brain fog is real.)

[Mental Fairy]

On my run this morning and I came across the biggest soap bubbles ever !