Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Yes, I too am glad you're on a more even keel.

I do feel like I’ve turned a corner in a way. The down and out feeling I was having was far worse than I have had before. Was a bit scary there for a bit. What really impressed me was how tired you feel when you’re low.

Yes I have had it before, way back in 2015. A lot of it is triggered with negative thoughts and I know exactly when it started.

It's great that you can pinpoint the start. This can help you maybe avoid it the next time.

….but also felt odd writing it as I had options over this past weeks to partake in the list to try pick me up but my brain told me they were all worthless and no point trying. Madness

Maybe add that last point to the list ("When my brain says this stuff, it's not being helpful") Kinda like wearing the "This too Shall Pass" ring.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_too_shall_pass

Recently, I've been trying to catch my ruminations with thoughts like "Going down this road isn't helpful", or "Do I really want to spend time thinking about this", etc. Only so many spoons, as they say... If I don't, it can lead to a drained and depressed state of mind...

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re: Varicose veins, etc - I've had them for years in my legs and wear elastic stockings every day. Those damn lazy valves! I guess you can have them anywhere... Probably staying active is the best thing, right?

And since you're reading the New Yorker link that Oak sent, here's another that might be of interest (I'm a subscriber, and these essays pop into my in box...)

The Unexpected Grief of a Hysterectomy | The New Yorker
https://www.newyorker.com/culture/essay/the-unexpected-grief-of-a-hysterectomy

Wishing you well.

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you SD. Very interesting reading ahead for me.

Today I feel I’m through the worst of the low mood. The time off has been a very helpful few days.

Time to dust off the running shoes and get back into motion. Went for a bike ride this morning with Joe in the wild stormy weather. We both needed it I think. The last six weeks has taken a toll on me physically as well as mentally and avoiding that happening again is key. Sadly I don’t think that’s possible. Waking up to thunder and lightning was so blissful. When the rain stopped we put the bikes on the Ute and took off down to the foreshore. The sea salt spray, waves crashing onto the sand and the wind blowing in my face holes was so welcoming. Reminded me of my childhood, taking off down the beach to escape the bad adulting going on at home! I find peace when I’m on a beach area on a stormy day.

The feeling of shame comes with low mood, a lot of self blame and sabotage. I have to remind myself I’m ok, I’m alive and I’m going to get through this. The very moment I sink into this hole was on my run with my niece. We were at lake Rotakere in south Taranaki. Beautiful wildlife sanctuary that’s gated and fenced to stop pests getting to the Kiwis. I slipped over on the run, I found it hard when it shouldn’t have been hard for me. I know my niece was super proud to do it and partake in our second race but I was way off my game that day. The self hatred towards myself was by far the worst I’ve ever been. I never let on at all that I was ashamed of falling over or doing a bad time for 10km. Underneath my external self I was so disappointed in myself. All the comments my mother made to me growing up came flooding in like a tsunami. I was unable to turn them off. I gave up on myself, I gave up on running and I gave up on living in a way. All that depression came flooding in and I honestly felt like I was drawing in self hatred.

What a waste of energy it was beating myself up. Joe purposely drove me around a country road area I would normally bike so he could entice me back on the bike. He knows how much I love to be out on the country roads. Was a nice reminder that the roads are waiting for my wheels and the trails are still there waiting for my feet.

Thank you for your support. I will attempt library book group again this Wednesday.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, Mental Fairy. I'm glad you got this all out. Keep us posted.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

The feeling again took over me this morning, that sinking feeling. Wet and wild weather here with tornadoes and rain.
Came home at lunch to get out of the office. This morning was tricky to navigate my emotions. Coming home at lunch to Mazie helps me come back to my senses a bit. She brought us a delightful mouse this morning from the garden. Was rather amusing to chase it around and eventually set it free down the back paddock. Chances are it will be back or one of its family! Was cute watching her do her cat thing.

Will attempt book group tomorrow.

[Mental Fairy]

I now am the proud owner of my first at home ice bath. Will do anything to help me back up out of this slump.

[Mental Fairy]

Last night we took turns and as it’s cooler here now temperature outside was nice to bath in. Ice maker arrives today. Got a big freezer to stock up on with the shaved ice.

[Mental Fairy]

My moo

[manuel_moe_g]

rubber duckies!

[Mental Fairy]

Neighbours still drop ducks off to me at random in the garden. My live ducks are currently feeding on new seed and won’t let me reverse out the garage till I’ve put feed in the bowls, they stand behind the car and I can see them on my reversing camera in protest of me going to work!

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, Mental Fairy!

I hope the ice container is a big success. Please do keep us posted.

I like how, considering how both of us have been through hell this young 2023, that likewise we’re both trying new things (ice and barre). We are transmuting the mental anguish through the body.