Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hello team

This avo I have been a little lost, I did pop into work and cleared messages and getting ready to face next week. I have also applied for a position elsewhere to test the waters. The plan was to head up Paratutu rock and take some photos, however we keep having weird storms. Last night it hit about 4pm with lightning striking the rock a couple of times. There is a metal platform at the time with a metal rail so I guess it was damaged as it was closed today so it can be repaired. It is a rail used to stop jumpers but it hasn’t worked. We had a little tornado rip through Sunday night and our vegetable patch is now a mixed vegetable salad for the local birds. Replace and replant started today with little seedlings. Lettuce and parsnips currently planted in little pots, now wait and watch.

I found I have people overload, after the retreat with 12 people I can’t bring myself to walk in public, hence wanting to climb the local Paratutu Rock. I drive twice to two different locations to go for a walk or job and couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. It’s hard to fight the run and hide feeling.

Tomorrow I will adventure out and go on a journey, planning trip around the coast this weekend for a drive.

This avo feeling somewhat lost and at a loss what to do with myself! I finished my book for book group and am somewhat annoyed at the fact I’ll never get those hours back in my life as it was so incredibly uninteresting that it made me a little angry.

I have noticed when I’m tired I become unable to decide what to do with myself, yet come up with questions I want to ask you all.

1, what gets you up each day?
2, if you could trade places with someone for a year who would it be and why?
3, what beings you the most joy?
4, if you could be any other creature on earth what would it be and why?
5, if you could have dinner with anyone alive or deceased who would it be and why?

Better go make a salad!

[manuel_moe_g]

I don’t know about the other questions, but what gets me out of bed lately is my little puppy, Adora. I don’t know if that is good or bad

Please take care, Mental Fairy, we all worry about the constant pressure you are under. All blessings to you

[Mental Fairy]

I am much the same MM, mine is my morning walks around the property with Mazie. Yes, my cat loves walks. We do laps and some zoomies. She fears the outside as much as I do. Will only do this under cover of darkness. I love her so much more than I thought possible for an animal.

If I could be any other animal or creature I would love to be an owl. Or a spider to see if I can run faster with eight legs!

MM how old and what breed is your dog?

[manuel_moe_g]

My puppy Adora is 9 months old, and she is a mutt. We did genetic testing she is a “suicide soda” of all kinds of breeds, where the 3 largest percentages are the breeds Small Poodle, German Shepherd, and Pitbull

Puppy

CC85714A-DA4E-47F6-851D-8E7664E06D3D.jpeg (181.08 KiB) Viewed 474 times

[oak]

I don’t know about the other questions, but what gets me out of bed lately is my little puppy, Adora. I don’t know if that is good or bad

Manuel Moe, (1) you have a very cute puppy, (2) that is an excellent photograph, and (3) yes a puppy is a valid reason to get out of bed.

1, what gets you up each day?
2, if you could trade places with someone for a year who would it be and why?
3, what beings you the most joy?
4, if you could be any other creature on earth what would it be and why?
5, if you could have dinner with anyone alive or deceased who would it be and why?

1. These are all excellent questions, and I may create my own thread for just this question
2. Someone in an ancient, slower culture. I just want to be.
3. Food brings me joy. Especially pork. My tastes, while "simple", are powerful.
4. Again, some little creature that doesn't have the burden of thought.
5. My long-dead biological brother. I'd ask him if I am a good man. That is the only question I want answered in this life.

Better go make a salad!

I hope the salad turned out good!

[Mental Fairy]

Oh my gosh I am in love with a puppy. Oh those eyes. Thank you MM what a beautiful photo. That warmed my heart on this cool breezy day. Isn’t is beautiful how a smile immediately forms on one’s face when you see a photo like that. Oh the ears!!!

Oak, you are a good man. I ain’t your brother but I am a sister from another mother! I say that with a mic drop! And swagger off the stage!

Love your answers also.
I would love to go back to 1890s for a bit. See what it was like. Plus I love the clothing. Even the flapper era. Would love to be a flapper gal! Gadsby style.

Today I am at my desk checking messages, behind me is a sneaky bag full of mountain gear. I plan on taking a little walk soon. Brining you all along.

Night of restless sleep and wrecked bedsheets. Anyone would have thought my laundry cupboard exploded in the room.

Hugs

[oak]

Today I am at my desk checking messages, behind me is a sneaky bag full of mountain gear. I plan on taking a little walk soon. Brining you all along.

I hope you have a great time on the mountain, Mental Fairy.

And, feel free to emulate me effecting boundaries in barre: know when to say when (on the mountain).

Said another way:

I had a friend in college in the pilot program. He said: "It is better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air, than in the air wishing you were on the ground."

Rephrased for your situation: "It is better to be in the trailhead parking lot wishing you were on the rock face, than on the rock (in a storm) wishing you were in the trailhead parking lot."

Don't be afraid, and resist all peer pressure, to continue up the mountain if your gut warns you about incoming inclement weather or approaching nightfall.

Just like me at barre, don't be afraid to say "I can't do this right now. I'll come back and try sometime soon, but for now I'll get out while I can".

A stitch in time saves nine.

That said, I'm sure you'll have a great time. Trust your gut. Your gut has helped you avoid numerous mishegas before. Always trust your gut, my friend.

[Mental Fairy]

Well I went up the hill yesterday and got to the entrance to the national park. I saw a rainbow. What does that mean….not gold. Bloody rain.

I love rain, I love the cold, I love the feeling of being up in the clouds but not on a mountain with a terrible obituary list as long as it’s tree roots.

So I got to the top car park, looked up. Saw nothing but black clouds and rumbles in the distance. I got back in the car and went home. If I was the old Gia I would have gone up regardless but I stopped myself from making that foolish mistake by taking that risk. I listened to myself for once!
Then I read your post Oak and laughed because you know me better than I do!

Today I have sadly come back to work and done an almost full day on my day off! I have so many patient requests and test results. I am smiling however as I went to the GP this morning to ask about my medication for the bowel. They won’t let me come off it, I also mentioned my little panic attacks and reasons for them and she went pale and asked how I cope. I said I have friends with weird names like Oak, snoring dog, Manuel Moe, Rivergirl, beany, noface and they keep me afloat. I told her I run but only in the dark, struggling with self criticism and nightmares but looking in the mirror and smiling helps.

Honestly if you saw her face you would have peed a little laughing as she didn’t know what to say! I assured her I wasn’t insane and being a medical professional I would know when to commit myself to a ward! Again she gave a slight response of ‘mmmmm’ then a slight nod!

Amen to the forum.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi All

It is an overcast day and i've woken to a racing mind. The dreams came through thick and fast last night. I am unsure of the trigger, or it might be because i tried to explain to Oak how i was sitting at some red lights a couple of days ago and a memory that was sitting on my subconscious shelf came to the forefront of my mind. I immediately wanted to rip my skin off, more so because of the feeling of disgust of the thought recalling what was done to me all those years ago. The most difficult thing is removing feelings and detaching from the internal memory, the breath on the skin, the touch, the fear and shock of an assault. Why i let it happen, why i was unable to fight for my own self? I would fend off anyone who touched my own son, why on earth would i not fend off my own predator? I was hoping i could get past this but it keeps popping up at the most weirdest times. Why on earth would a mother allow such things to happen to their child.

I woke with what felt like bile sitting in my throat, the images and the reliving of events played out yet again in my sleeping brain. How can one actually sleep when you wake up feeling like you have been sitting in a movie theater all night being forced to watch films you despise. I do recall walking into the kitchen to drink water, i lit the fire and laid on the floor in the fetal position wishing my brain was not capable of dreaming. However if that was the case then those dreams of being on a hillside watching the birds float by overhead, circling their nests and finding food for their young would not happen. To have dreams of love, dreams of stillness and bliss would not happen.

I have come into work with the intention of being set up for the totality of next weeks cases. Ever file will be read, every test will be sorted and up to date, all patient labels ready for the admission packs for hospital. I will not look at my phone, i will not allow the annoyance of news casts and tacky journalism suck me in. Today i will prep for medical front lines next week, i will hopefully be out the door by 1-2pm. If i can i will head for a bush track and get into nature. Wash off this residual feeling of dirtiness, let the mind breath and feel free of residential society i dislike so much.

Today i feel the mental clouds closing in, all because of a dream. A dream that may last seconds but breaks into your lifetime, time and time again.

[oak]

I immediately wanted to rip my skin off, more so because of the feeling of disgust of the thought recalling what was done to me all those years ago.

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

We/I stand by you. Something happened.

You demonstrate a lot of courage by posting here. We are only as sick as our secrets.

We are definitely standing by you as you face these harrowing memories.