Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you SD, your my voice of reasoning always.

Not sure about anyone else here but you all feel like family!

[Mental Fairy]

Good Morning All

Troebia has brought up some very interesting side topics and insights. I have found that yesterday it really hit home about thought evasion. Something i was good at back in the day. The reliance on medication to numb the brain to get some rest. Especially after working in surgery all day.

Oak posted a great podcast link that has sat me on my arse and made me look back and reflect at my own self at my lowest emotionally, by highest professionally. The residual feelings of these days still lingers.

Thankfully i never had to take any form of mediation illegally. We did have access to many forms of sedation but it never once crossed my mind to use it on myself. My doctor simply put me on mediation to numb the physical pain from the surgical sites post tumour removal and to also help with BFS.
About a year after mum died i abused that medication as my BFS was terrible at night. I was working long shifts with pediatrics as well as studying. It is about then running stepped in and i came off the mediation slowly but never fully till i returned back to the North Island. I was found to be dependant at that stage and in a shit load of emotional pain. I tried alcohol with the pills but that caused further bleeding from the bowels. So that went out the window. The doctor gave me different sedatives to get me through my night terrors and sleepwalking. Something i fear i will always battle.

I carry a great deal of shame about how dependant i was back then and even now.

Amitriptyline i am still on and have been for over a decade, more so to help with the sleep issues. Having faced a lot of obstacles and working with patients i find the brain just won't stop some nights. The worry about a patient, the loss of one or the introduction of the next just keeps going.

I don't know my life without it. It has been so long.

The dreams came back early hours of this morning, a little more darker than normal. A little more confronting and confusing than normal. It also seemed to be targeted on shame and regret. I have awoken this morning feeling some form of refreshed but also heavy in a way as the emotions are lingering since i woke up.

I do wonder what i would be like without the medication. Not the Crohn's medication, just the amitriptyline. Hate to think about it really.

Did a little run this morning and turned back at 3km in, ankle a bit sore. Now at my desk and stink of Deep Heat Lotion and sipping on tea!

Thinking of you all.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

Regarding your shame for being dependent during those difficult times: I see you. I acknowledge that something happened, and you made choices. I recognize that you feel shame then and now. I fully accept everything you wrote as true.

I also fully accept you as you are. Not only do I not think less of you for being dependent, I think all the more highly of you for being honest. We are only as sick as our secrets.

My similar story:

I was prescribed 12 P*rcocets for my wisdom teeth extraction ten years ago, and as soon as I took one I knew that this was exactly what I was looking for, what had always been missing from my life. They filled a hole in my soul, the hole that has been my constant companion before and since. (I also learned that the wonderful ibuprofen worked just as well for me, so I never want to take another opi*te again, because I know how supremely awesome they are.)

Which is just a long way of saying that I also know, first hand, the power of these substances. People use them because they work.

Bigger picture, I hope you find some healing both physically and mentally.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team Amazing

well the straw broke the camel, the other shoe fell or it is karma!

I am writing my letter of resignation this week. Will be handing it in on Monday. Until the letter is handed in i feel very odd, some relief and some feeling i am unable to label.

Last Thursday my boss, who i do like, don't get me wrong, had a sudden shift of mood over a very trivial thing. The way she spoke to not just me but the patient i felt was highly unprofessional and childish. I am well aware she is over her job, she doesn't wish to be here. That is her problem, however it spills over onto me. It is only us two here so i cop all of her moods.

Today she is frosty also. Thinking she would have the weekend to get over her mood i was hoping i walk be back to work and focus on the task at hand. However that is not the case, she is still sulking over things she can't change. Sure i would understand if you could change a situation to prevent it from happening again but she seems to be like a dog with a bone. Even the patient that witnessed it rung today to say she was sorry she was like that to me and that she understands she is under a lot of pressure.

I spent the weekend thinking, walking, talking and dreaming!!!
I will give her a months notice, i will dust off my scrubs and i will go back to my profession. I feel ready. I feel the need and the pull to go back.
Reaching out to my old colleague last night we text back and forwards. My old practice has since be sold and changed hands, i know the new owner and have a great open communication with them. I will take over the revamp, rebuild and training of the staff, i will go back to surgery part time only. Then see how i feel and move into full time with two operational days for facial surgery.

This might sound a little odd that i am going backwards but dental is in my blood. I loved it, i still do. I needed the break, its been three years. The plus side is i won't be going through the process of telling people that their life is coming to an end. I will saying that about a tooth again! Or a root canal is also an option!!!

So that is where i am at, i have my race coming up and taper has begun. Set off next Friday. This Saturday i have to pop down to the clinic and go over the contract and go from there. The day i hand my notice in i know for a fact this women will make my life so dam hard in the office. I also know that she will try and break me mentally. That is how she works. Currently right now she is hardly talking. Plus our medical typist who i fill in for from time to time is leaving. We have all had enough.

I feel like i'm in a daze really. I can't believe i am going to walk away from this, i have a dream job, two hour lunch breaks (only as we have do do lab rounds and hospital visits in this time) I can't take on the emotional weight of it all. I do not feel like i have failed, i feel like i have stood up for myself. If i keep telling myself that i will believe it eventually.

[oak]

Well done, Mental Fairy.

Though I didn’t want to say it, I knew the only end for your current job was leaving. I say this because it was the same situation as why I went no contact with my family of origin. Unfortunately the people we knew are already gone, mentally and morally, even if their bodies are still there. It is like their minds are stolen.

At any rate, good luck with your next career step, and the run.

Keep us posted!

[manuel_moe_g]

So happy for you, Mental Fairy!

A month’s notice is a gift, but if she makes your life hell in retaliation, revoke that gift instantly, please promise me

All blessings to you, excited for you!

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, i adore the the post! Made me laugh, currently feeling very low about it all.

I opened up my email just a moment ago at work and saw my dear friend who i have known for years is about to find out the worst news of their life. His wife has bone cancer and it's spread so fast in such a short space of time. I know the results, they do not. He has been texting me about all sorts of mountain stuff and i have to pretend i don't know. I hate this part of my job, i really an struggling with this.

I feel riddled with anxious feelings.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I've been away for awhile, and now catching up.
A few comments, if I may?

I am well aware she is over her job, she doesn't wish to be here. That is her problem, however it spills over onto me.

Of course it does. Even in a plain-vanilla, low-stress office environment, coworker’s attitudes make a big difference. (It’s sad that she’s burned out though, and not able to cope.)

Currently right now she is hardly talking. Plus our medical typist who I fill in for from time to time is leaving. We have all had enough.

That says something... How long have you both been there?

I feel like I'm in a daze really. I can't believe i am going to walk away from this, i have a dream job...

That’s ironic – Your “dream job” seems to be affecting your dreams too.
Before you were in this position, were they as intense or frequent, do you remember?
---------------------

I know the results, they do not. He has been texting me about all sorts of mountain stuff and i have to pretend i don't know. I hate this part of my job, i really an struggling with this. I feel riddled with anxious feelings.

My God. Who could be expected to handle things like this well at all?
I'm so sorry for you both.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

Thank you, yes the dreams have always been an issue from a very young age. I can still remember dreams I had when I was in early teens. Some repeat also.

I have woken this morning way too early after a dream of being shot in the head with a silencer hand gun. I was driven to a location at the end of a dead end road. Sitting next to Joe and seeing a car pull up beside, two occupants get out of the car, one arriving next to me with a massive smile. He lifts a silver heavy looking weapon to my head, I felt it against my skin, I could sense the weight of it, it felt cold. I recall feeling kind of ok with it, a little scared but tried to talk myself into focusing on the people i care for. I heard this click and he laughed. It wasn’t loaded. I felt relief and disappointment.

I felt like I’ve not slept properly for a days.

Yesterday my boss was odd, I see she is suffering in some way but i am not going to ask. I know she wants me to but I won’t. I really don’t want to hear it. It is extremely rare for her to say anything nice. Her hatred for NZ and many other countries is disturbing. Plus I don’t need to take her negative thoughts on anymore, I’ve had enough. I’ve given enough of my time and energy and I’m sick of being used.

Sitting in bed currently not wanting to get up, no run this morning and thunder and lightning out there, I don’t wish to become a human candle.

Our city is rather small, two degrees of separation. Seeing this person I knows results yesterday shook me up a bit. The appointment with oncology is not until mid August so I will have to play dumb for a couple of weeks until the family is told to get their paperwork in order for end of life. Makes me feel like a horrible person knowing and not saying anything.

I will post more soon, just not sure where my head is at. I’m either about to make the biggest mistake of my life or the best move yet. On top of that i have to run this race.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

That is a chilling dream. I say this without judgment: there is a lot going on with your subconscious. It has had a lot to deal with in your life.