YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I hate to call what I am experiencing PTSD. I have friends who have been shot, lost limbs in combat, found relatives who have comitted suicide and me, my wife ripped into me during a conversation about sex. I don't remember what she called me or said to me but I remember her standing up and yelling, probably the most intense yelling I've ever heard and I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive father. I remember cowering away and looking for an escape route, to get away as fast as possible, to leave the situation. She didn't talk to me for three days, those were some of the darkest days I've experienced. Now when she wants to talk about it or ask me what I want to try I tell her I am not talking about it, I refuse to talk about it. Opinions?

Hi Jay,

I've labeled similar thoughts as "Anger PTSD" or "Shame flashbacks" in my own private vocabulary.

Whatever caused the way you're reacting, whether it's PTSD or not, I think the psychological mechanisms are very similar.

Your post reminded me a bit about other topics in this forum. Seems the way you reacted is similar to the kind of flashbacks and panic attacks someone with PTSD could have. I had an explosive and abusive mother, which could explain why I feel unsafe or physically ill, when someone is raising their voice in anger.

In some sense it feels like, I've become allergic to anger.

You might want to check out these two threads:
Complex PTSD
Adult PTSD from Childhood Bullying?

Jay, I dont know what to call it , either. I sure understand. My dads been dead for 10 years. I'm 50 years old, About once a month, I'll wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

My thought is, lets take those people who were shot, or lost limbs. Their injuries were physical and usually occurred in a situation they could remove themselves from.

US? We were in a house, five years..ten years old. What were we supposed to do, run away? We had to liv eit. There was no escape.

Its completely different, but falls under the same feeling category.

I see it's been almost a year since someone's posted but I am new to the forum and this one caught my eye.

My experience is 100% derived from my mother's volatility. I related to the first post because I was very confused once I got the 'complex PTSD' diagnosis. I felt like I didn't 'deserve' it- because others have suffered differently or seemingly more. But I think it's very possible that I feel this way because I'm minimizing my feelings due to what I was taught to do growing up. It's all part of the brokenness.

I suggested it elsewhere, but try reading "The Body Keeps the Score." It explains very well how childhood trauma can result from seemingly "innocent" things like parents who yell or are suicidally depressed. Oddly, even having read it and seen how likely it is that some of my problem behaviors can be due to PTSD, I would never claim to have PTSD myself. Not even if a doctor tattooed it on my forehead.

I look at it this way. If you're a child who isn't getting proper meals, no one has told you what's safe to do, and you don't know what to expect from one moment to the next, anything can set you off. It's not just the single act of a caregiver that can be traumatic; it's the conditions in which they keep you (even unknowingly), that can make the smallest thing a trigger.

A person will continue their life, sustaining those precarious conditions just so that the trauma is, and stays 'nothing out of the ordinary.'

Also, it can be what you're looking at, as you're trying to look away, from what's happening to you; that gets imprinted.

I think you can call it whatever that feels right to you. These are your emotions. I'm sorry your wife's yelling has traumatized you...

I'm ashamed to tell you, but I'm the one that has been yelling at my husband every time we have a fight. He has told me that he's traumatized from it... I am so ashamed... I've been working on my yelling for a couple of years and it's been less and less. My antidepressants have helped me cope with my anger and blowups. I am sorry that you are on the other end of people like me.

I know it's not a lot coming from me, but I think it's good that you communicate to your wife about how you are feeling. You don't need to pressure yourself into it, just whenever you are ready. You guys are married and it's important to be honest, even when it hurts. If you shut your door, the only way is downhill. Just let her know that you'll talk when you are ready. I'm really sorry...

I 'm ashamed to tell you, but I'm the one that has been yelling at my husband every time we have a fight. He has told me that he's traumatized from it... I am so ashamed... I've been working on my yelling for a couple of years and it's been less and less. My antidepressants have helped me cope with my anger and blowups. I am sorry that you are on the other end of people like me.

Just had to add a "me too" for this one. I swear, my mouth is easily the biggest weapon I have.