YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I have PTSD from a car accident that I got in when I was 18. The other person almost died, and for many reasons (not the least of which was "you're not crazy, and I'm going to shame you into not getting treatment" being the song of the time for my family), I didn't get adequate help. As a result, 3 years after this accident, I finally sought treatment after having two panic attacks after getting behind the wheel of my car. What I wasn't even conscious of until I was well into six months of therapy for this issue was the fact that I never remembered driving...I only remembered getting in at point A and getting out at point B. I would literally shut down whenever I had to drive anywhere. I was also hypervigilant to the extreme about my car - if I heard a single squeak, then I was at the mechanic. If I was as much as 500 miles away from an oil change, I was in there getting it done, and I had a really pathological fear of going over 3,000 miles. (That part never really went away until after I got rid of the car.) While I'm certain that it helped the car last for as long as it did, that was about the only positive byproduct.

I was able to recover most of my functioning, and I had been doing ok...until I got in another major car accident this summer. The other driver wasn't paying attention and nailed me going 35 miles an hour when I was stopped at a stop light, pushing me very hard into the car in front of me. Luckily, my current therapist is well-schooled in PTSD treatment approaches, and the next day when I had an appointment with her, the entire hour was focused on me talking about it. What I didn't realize is that PTSD only goes into remission - I always thought that once I was no longer symptomatic, I didn't have it anymore. That view changed pretty quickly after I got my car back five weeks later and suddenly felt unsafe in it. I now hear every little noise, I feel every little new vibration, and I am scared because I know my car will never be the same. Ever. I've brought it to the garage several times already, and the hypervigilance is kicking in like crazy lately (coupled with the fact that my car was not in great shape even before the accident).

However, in an effort to -not- feel this way anymore, I'm taking a drastic step - I'm getting a new car. I came to the conclusion that this might be the solution after dealing with this for six full months, and finding no resolution to my symptoms, in spite of talking about it at length with my counselor even after the first post-accident appointment. I'm frustrated that it got to this point, but I am pretty confident that it will solve some of the problems I've been having.

I'm also hoping that the rest of the symptoms that I'm currently having will resolve themselves through EMDR. I've talked to my counselor about starting EMDR, and now I just have to wrestle with my insurance company, which is a hugely joyful experience. Anyone had experience with EMDR? I'm curious to know how it has helped with your symptoms and if it has resolved other things for you as well...I've heard that they're finding efficacy in treatment of anxiety and depression as well.

Yes, I have had a good deal of experience with EMDR and it has been a life saver to me....if you would like to ask any questions, I'll check back here frequently. I would write my experiences but won't unless anyone wants to hear about it...I have been working on childhood sexual abuse and parents I'm not bonded to who were so fucking stressed out while I was growing up our home was a hot bed of anxiety and depression.
Anyhow let me know.
Billie

Hi B-Annie -

I lived in a very stress-filled household as well. As a result, I became a constantly stressed adult who had no idea how to even begin to slow down until recently. Do you find that EMDR helps with your general anxiety and depression symptoms, or just with the trauma? I would imagine that it would help with everything in some way, but I've heard mixed things about it (which has been giving me pause, because my need for help just extends SO way beyond just the PTSD symptoms).

Thanks so much for responding!

What is EMDR? I TOTALLY understand living in constant fear. You're not alone there. I'm trying really hard to get some control over it and not getting a ton of results with meds. I use the fisher wallace stimulator and it has helped with my depression for sure but not the fear. I would love to hear more about EMDR as well.. thanks for this post and much love to you. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Wow - I wish I had better news for you - to this day after being diagnosed with chronic PTSD over 10 years ago I still struggle with flashbacks. I too thought I could work through them with talk therapy. I've had to resort to Zoloft and Adderall and hyper-vigilance. Those seem to be the only ways I can cope.

I'd love to hear if your EMDR has helped.

An example of trying to cope with my PTSD and trying to hide it at work...I was getting onto the elevator and I saw a gentleman that I work with walking in the direction of the elevator. I knew that his office was upstairs so I thought about care-taking for him and yelling out to him to ask if he wanted me to hold the elevator. I am always trying to push down my inner hyper-vigilance that is consistently working in the background of my mind to prevent an uncontrollable reaction. I second guessed my instinct because he was pretty far away and I figured he would yell out if he wanted me to hold the door. I thought "maybe he's not going upstairs" and I did not want to be embarrassed by my over caring attitude yet again. The door was almost closed and I let myself relax while I closed my eyes and covered my mouth to yawn. During my state of relaxation I heard the sudden sound of running with sneaker squeaking (like the sounds of sneakers on a gym floor during a basketball game) and I saw an arm reaching in trying to open the elevator door. I screamed. I REALLY screamed.

Later, I tried to pull it off by simply stating that he scared me and I had my eyes closed during a yawn, but apparently my reaction was so severe and alarming that he felt the need to share around the office how he had scared me and I had scared him more with my reaction. I kept playing it off saying I was yawning and I did not see him and I could tell he just thought I was weird. Great.

I could not just break out and share that I had PTSD and when he startled me I had flashbacks of past traumas and that as a result I let out an involuntary shrieking scream as if I was reliving all of those things right then at that time all over again.