Love Won't Fix Her

[ZackWithHats]

So this is my first time posting on this forum but I'm going through some stuff right now and just need to vent or talk with other people who have/are dealing with this sort of thing. So here we go.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years. But not a solid 2 years. The reason for the on again off again nature of our relationship is due largely to her sever depression. I have loved this girl since the day I met her. And every time we've broken up it kills me because I'm the one that walks away. Every time I've walked away I told myself "You can't fix her" or "You have to take care of you first" or "You can't make her do...xyz". Those are all true and I tell myself that over and over again. But fuck, it hurts so bad. I try so hard to be there for her and be supportive and tell her that I care about her but when the depression comes out to play it's favorite toys are alcohol, drugs, cheating, isolation, anger, absolutes, hopelessness, and the pictures are always black and white. How do I be supportive of someone who won't help themselves? How do I walk away from the feelings I have for her? I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when Wilson (his volleyball friend) falls off the raft. I just see her floating away and I try to swim after her but I have to hold on to the raft (my own mental health/well being) or I'll be swept away too. And just like the Tom Hanks character I just want to cry my eyes out while I see my best friend, the person I love, float away on a sea of depression.

I realize this all seems overly dramatic. But it's how I feel. And this is all about sharing right? I'm looking into support groups in my area for families and mental illness, also groups about co-dependency because I know I have that going on as well.

So yeah...I guess that's it. Thanks.

[fifthsonata]

You're absolutely right. You're battling a dualism in your head - she may be a wonderful person and you love her, but there's only so much you can do. She has to want to recover.

In addition to your seeking support groups, I'd really advise Al-Anon. You can get a sponsor for yourself and learn how to effectively help her and yourself from people who've been there before.


You've got the right path. A desire for helping her, but knowing this situation is not something that can be fixed is also there. You realize what you need to do, and that is get help. You need to take care of yourself, and maybe if she's got a positive example going, she might follow.

Don't hang your hat on her, though. Take care of yourself and see where things go. Don't waste your time trying to fix her. Let her come to you.

[Cheldoll]

Your post tugs so hard at my heartstrings. I've had two long-term relationships end thanks to losing my battle with depression despite the best attempts of my partner to "save" me. Sadly, you're right -- you can't fix her.

I don't think you're being over-dramatic at all. But you can only bend so far before you break, and it seems like you're almost at that point. I'm impressed that you recognize your own co-dependency and like fifthsonata I encourage you to take care of yourself. It's going to be really tough to stay away from her. Some researchers at Rutgers University found that because of the way love activates our reward neurons, when we lose that relationship, the same parts of our brains are activated as when we experience cocaine cravings. Yeah, there's a biological reason it hurts so damn bad. If you're interested in what happens to your brain on a breakup, there's a Stuff Mom Never Told You episode that really made me feel better when I ended my last relationship.

Anyway, I'm glad you found the forum and wish you the best. Please keep us updated and don't be afraid to share anything else you want to.

[ZackWithHats]

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. Her and I have decided that a healthy relationship can not grow in this environment so we're going our separate ways. I care about her deeply but like we've said I can't fix her. She has to seek help on her own. But I'm not going to cut her off completely like I have in the past. I'll still be supportive in what ever way I can while keeping my own happiness and well being at the fore front. She feels guilty about bringing me back into her life and belittles herself and apologizes to me on a constant basis. But I always tell her I don't think this is a terrible person and that I'll still be there in a supportive way.

Thanks again for helping me with this and for making me feel a little less alone on this.

[Nevina]

I'm really glad you found a way to remain supportive but remain true to your own needs. I hope she does seek help. I'm no expert but it sounds like..maybe?... there's something going on besides depression and substance abuse. Best wishes to both of you. My boyfriend lost many, many relationships due to his depression before he met me. He still struggles, but maybe because I'm also seriously fucked up we were able to make it work. ;D

[Pandora'sboxinmymind]

I could imagine my boyfriend writing this post. I am 18, and he cops my anger...but also cheating. Posts are usually about people being cheated on, but I never saw myself as the one to inflict sadness like that. I struggle with depression and take pills, I have my ups and downs and my boyfriend spoils me rotten. My pills seem to numb me, I feel bad about being unfaithful in a way, but I should feel worse. I just don't. Drugs and alcohol not so much, just lack of eating, showering, looking after myself. I know it sounds silly, and I have tried to get better, I finished my HSC (nearly killed me) and there wasn't a pararde, not even family's congratulations for something that I hardly survived.. Literally. It just...ended so now I got a crappy job where I can't go out on weekends, and the cycle starts again, my boyfriend trying to fix how I feel but ultimately a reminder of how terribly I treat him sometimes.

[manuel_moe_g]

Pandora'sboxinmymind, please be self-loving. There is a small child inside of you that knows very few ways to cope. Forgive that child.