mother terminally ill and I feel numb

[LoveSixAmSunrises]

My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer six months ago. She's doing chemo and hanging in there. She feels fine for the most part and the cancer is shrinking, not spreading, for now. For some reason, I feel numb about her prognosis.

When I first found out about her illness I was crushed. I cried and felt horrible. Since then, I've tried to come to terms with the fact that she may die in a year or two. I don't cry anymore about her illness. I think about how sad it'll be when she's not here anymore, and how I won't be able to call her just to talk or tell her something. Otherwise, I wonder why I'm not sadder, and I especially wonder why I can't tell her "I love you".

I didn't tell her "I love you" when I was growing up except in mother's day cards or the rare occasion. She didn't say it much either, but we were more demonstrative of love. Nice gifts, hugs, kisses, praise, compliments. Saying "I love you" now feels awkward and difficult.

Maybe it's because I don't want to pick at the scab, but since I've come to terms with the reality of her situation, I don't want to allow myself to wallow in the sadness of it. I really don't feel like laying around crying and professing my love to my mother, and I'm not sure why. There are things about her I appreciate and love, but there are equally the same amount of things I find annoying and irritating.

Why can't I let go of most of the things about my mom that have annoyed me in the past, now that she's dying? Why don't I want to spend more time with her (I see her at least once a week and talk to her several times a week on the phone)? Why is it hard for me to be sentimental and gushy? I am fine listening to her, being with her when she complains or is expressing her sadness, but I don't necessarily feel compelled to hug, hold or be overly optimistic and positive. I feel like a shitty person for it. I think I should be seeing her more, entertaining her, professing my love at every opportunity, taking her places, spending money on her…none of which I want to do. I didn't want to do that stuff before and her illness has not prompted me to want to do it now. I just wonder why.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are not a bad person, LoveSixAmSunrises. You are a good person who is sorting out her feelings about a major life event. Don't punish yourself for not following some Hollywood script for grieving. All the best.