YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I know my depression and anxiety are very difficult for my boyfriend to bear on a daily basis. Somehow, he still loves me enough to want to share a home, but I often think, "Wow, this is no picnic for him, how much longer until he can't take it anymore?" Any tips on how to keep negativity from oozing out of your pores and infecting the ones who are trying to support you emotionally? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, so I certainly don't want to drag my best friend into The Pit!

Although I'm single, I know what you mean. I often worry about my issues rubbing off on my family and friends. I struggle to decide how much to even talk about my problems with them. They want to help me, but there's only so much that they can do as non-professionals. I figure the best thing I can do for them (and by the way myself) is to get serious help for serious problems, be relentlessly honest with my therapist, and just generally be very aggressive about caring for my own mental well-being. I started small--very small. I looked in a mirror and said, "I'm worth saving. It's worth a shot to try to take better care of myself." Then I started reaching out to people for support. This forum was/is part of that.

As I've started to feel better, I've noticed that I'm able to be a better friend, brother, son, and uncle. It's a really long journey that I'm on and in my case I need all the help I can get. So I'm trying to let the people around me know, in general terms, that I'm going through something really, really hard, but I'm taking it as seriously as ever. I think it helps them to know that I have the support and guidance of a professional. That way they can empathize (sometimes) with what I'm going through without feeling overwhelmed, or like they have to "fix" me.

That's a good line to keep in my pocket. When someone asks me how I am, I seem to only be able to hit extremes lately: a) standoffish vagueries that actually incite more interest in what it's clear that I'm hiding or b) my most finely honed mask, "the courteous phone lady," comes out and chirps that, oh, I'm fine just as always, but let's talk about youuuuuu....so that way, if I can offer some sort of help, then I can enjoy having improved their day instead of working on what's going on in my own day.

But when it comes to confiding -- that's when I get confused. I WANT to trust too badly right to be able to trust my judgment as levelheaded. Can you explain to me what your line is between sharing your life with your friends and keeping some things set aside for the therapists' office? That's something I can parse out intellectually when I think about it methodically, but by no means can I pick up on my intuitive sense of appropriateness when pain and crisis start screaming at me to let them out.

jmh wrote:Can you explain to me what your line is between sharing your life with your friends and keeping some things set aside for the therapists' office?

I'm flattered that you asked. I'd be happy to try. (Just keep in mind that I'm a work in progress. I'm learning these things as I go. )

Ways I share with a few family members and 1 close friend:
I wait for them to ask me how I'm doing when we have the time and privacy to talk. Then I test the waters by saying something like, "Well, this week has been pretty rough to be honest." I try to say it in a calm way to let the other person know that I'm not in crisis mode and it's not a cry for help. At least in my experience, most lay people will be burned out by repeated cries for help even if they care about me deeply. So then I wait for them to steer the conversation one way or the other. If they're up for heart-to-heart talk, they will ask me more questions about how I'm feeling. I proceed slowly and wait for a sign that the other person is okay with what I am saying. If the conversation makes them uncomfortable, then I have to respect that. I hold back any judgment or resentment I might be feeling at the moment, and I let the other person determine how much they're ready to hear. I also try to reciprocate if they're willing to share something about themselves.

When I need more comfort than my family & friends are able to give me:
I don't have enough strong relationships for them to be my only means of feeling better. I'm not sure that's a good plan anyway. I have a list of alternate ways of feeling better that I carry with me everywhere. There are currently about 30 things on the list. The short answer to your question is to talk when people are ready to listen. Save the rest for a therapist if you have one. And have outlets that are fully under your control, i.e. not dependent on someone else's readiness to listen.

I realized that my wife doesn't want or need to hear about my pain - she wants to see me dealing with it and getting better. In a good way of course.

It was that insight that convinced me that I have to look to the future and not dwell on the past. This is not putting a happy face on things but being the best I can be and working hard to get better.

I realized that my wife doesn't want or need to hear about my pain - she wants to see me dealing with it and getting better.

What if you're the wife who wants and needs to hear about your pain AND wants to see you dealing with it and getting better. Does that, and how does that, change things for you?

jmh--thanks for posting this question. this is one of my biggest worries too. i like what 'dare i say it' said about being aggressive with mental health.