YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello gang, I'm hoping you can help me out here. About three years ago, my wife and I went through a terrible miscarriage. Not the kind you see on tv where it's over in five minutes, the kind that includes hospital visits, seizures, and traumatic blood loss. I've found ways to cope with this experience over time, mainly through writing (which is how I usually deal with things) and talking to others. However, my wife still lets this experience haunt her on a daily basis. We have the same conversations about the experience (nearly word for word) and she lets this horrible experience control her life. I have encouraged her many times to talk to a professional, write about her feelings, or at least read a book on the subject, but she won't do anything. I feel like she expects me to fix this and I can't do it.

So I just wondered if you wonderful minds had any ideas for me (or her). Have any of you gone through a miscarriage? No one ever seems to talk about it. I've spent three years with a depressed, traumatized wife who barely functions at times and something has to change for her, for me, and our kids. Thanks.

I'm sorry for your loss, the pain it has caused you and your wife, and for the devastation it's wreaking on your relationship and family. Miscarriage is very difficult, and the circumstances around this one seem especially traumatic.

A couple of thoughts and questions.

First, an observation on how you position the situation.

remarks wrote:However, my wife still lets this experience haunt her on a daily basis.

remarks wrote:...and she lets this horrible experience control her life.

It may just be a turn of phrase, but I'm curious if you really believe she's "letting" this event have such an impact on her life? If, on some level, you're feeling and expressing a judgement that she's choosing to respond the way she is, that could be something that's getting in the way.

Regardless of that, it's certainly true she has a choice about what she does, or doesn't do, to try and heal her pain. Are there reasons she gives for not wanting to do the things you've suggested? It might be helpful to consider what her objections, and perhaps fears, are in this regard.

Have you considered trying to do something with her, as a couple? If she's fearful of counseling or therapy for some reason, perhaps having your support and participation in the process would be a source of comfort and strength to her. Maybe share some of your writing with her? Perhaps there is a book you've found helpful you could read together? I think it's important to keep in mind that the miscarriage isn't something that just happened to you and to her as a discrete event. You obviously have your own reactions and ways to work through the grief, as does she, and you have to work through that set of emotions. But that child was something you both created, and its loss is something that will affect you as a couple -- above and beyond your own individual responses.

Good luck with this -- it's incredibly difficult to get through, and the risks it poses to your relationship with your wife are very real. I hope you both find healing.

Thanks for your reply. I realize now that I re-read my post that I may have come off sounding insincere or uncaring, but I assure you that I'm not. It was just hard to get out so the wording was not the best. You have some good ideas and I'm going to try them. I'm the kind of person who needs someone to tell him what he should do, when he already knows what that person's going to say. Now I feel like it's the right thing to do .

I did learn while cleaning out the garage this weekend that my wife has kept a box of stuff that was supposed to be for the baby all this time. Somehow I never found it. We talked about it and she feels ready to go through it and get rid of things. So we will do that together. It won't be fun, but I think it will give us some closure. Or at least that box won't be around to haunt us any more.

remarks wrote:...but I assure you that I'm not

And I'm sorry if I implied you were. It's clear you care for and love your wife very much.

I do think working together will be helpful. It's a devastating thing to have happen, to both of you. It's all the more important that you both try to work together to heal the pain.

I've been there. It's easy for the grief and the pain to drive you apart. If you're dedicated to working as a couple, I think you'll have a much better chance of healing. Good luck.

Has your wife been able to access any direct support for her experience? This kind of thing has affected and haunted so many women, and there are typically support groups or therapists who specialize in healing from this type of loss.

I quickly googled "miscarriage support" and even found several online forums. Maybe if your wife isn't feeling up to talking face to face with someone or someones, she might find some support and solace in forums?

While I didn't have a miscarriage, I had a very traumatic birth experience. A year later, I still think about things surrounding my son's birth, and I still cry. At times, I know my husband is trying to be kind, but he has processed the whole ordeal already, and seems confused as to why I have not. I would just say that even when a woman has a completely positive, wondrous pregnancy and is able to carry the child to term, and birth it without trauma, that woman will often still be processing her birth experience her whole life. You may just not hear about it because she doesn't have any grief she's trying to move past. But these things affect us profoundly and for the rest of our lives. I think your wife needs more support and help. She might grieve for a long, long time and that is ok. But for now, she sounds trapped and stuck, and that is not a good thing. I hope she can reach out to find other women who've been where she has, and who can empathize.