YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I never lived with my grandfather. I never even met him, I don't think. He committed suicide when I was six months old. It's been a sad, shameful family secret for 43 years. Now that I'm coming out with my mental illness, I really want to have an honest conversation with my father about him. I think of my grandfather all the time. He was an alcoholic, like me, and clearly suffered from depression, like me. Sometimes I feel that I continue to fight to get better just for his memory. I haven't come out to my dad about my depression yet, but I hope to share it with him soon and have that conversation. I have a pipe dream where my recovery helps my father to heal the wound left by his father's suicide. No idea how to start that discussion.

-Kristin
(woebegone warrior)

Did you ever have that conversation with your dad? If so, how did it go? Did you learn anything new?

If not, it might feel good just to point out the issue and identify your feelings related to your grandfather's death. Hopefully getting a cogent response after doing so. Sounds like you know how you feel at least. Why not start there?

Good luck.

Heres my thought..dont drop your depression on him at the same time....Hes going to make a connection of depression-suicide-my daughter-oh fuck!

Maybe a simple, "Dad, I know this has to be horrible for you, but what was your fathers good points and what was he like on a good day?" ...." I know how he died, but what was his life like before it got bad?

I know that angle worked for/against me when the therapist talked to me about my brothers death. He did not "officially" die of suicide, but.....

Anyway, when asked about his death, I'm out. I'll walk away, throw punches, throw chairs.....I'm out and I'll put some distance between us. If you want to talk about his work, his football playing, we can talk.

After we talk about the good stuff, I transitioned into the death part.

To be 100% honest, which I will do here, heres how it goes with deaths like this.

The closer you are to the person, the more you blame yourself. I realized this when the condolence cards started coming in.

Id say 99%, if not all, the cards from people he knew said something like "I wish I would have......"

It hit me like a 2x4 when I opened the card from a kid he knew in the third grade that said, "I was going to call him, last week. I should have...."

I'm like, "Oh fuck yea...THATS what he was looking for! A card from shitty-pants Arnie." Still, it made me smile and softened the blow.

So, talk to your dad, but know full well its going to instantly bring up that feeling from 42 years back for him.

Please, whatever you do, do not say, or end with, "ITS NOT YOUR FAULT."

Doing so shits all over my feelings. Sure, its correct, its just that we don't want to hear that again...(as i speak for your dad...sorry!)

Over the years, we've sort of jammed these feelings into one of those wall safes. Your trying to crack the combination, and I really dont want you to .

A simple, "I love you and feel lucky to have you in my life is fine."