YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So, this morning I was making coffee and having a nice conversation with my mom when out of nowhere she comes behind me and starts crying on my shoulder. I didn't know how to react, so I asked her what's wrong. She said "I'm really depressed lately and I don't know why. I can't make it go away." All I could say to her was that I'm sorry. I didn't know how to console her. I don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to just give her a hug and tell her it's going to be okay. With my peers it feels perfectly normal to talk about stuff that's been getting us down, but I can't be that rock for her to unleash her sadness on and take it all in. Just the day before last I was having the exact same experience of being depressed, bitter, and angry, so I'm fragile too. If I was to just let her cry and tell me about her feelings, I'd be liable to just internalize all of that and then I'd be sad too and neither of us would be of any use. So, it made me feel guilty, maybe for not being a more loving son, but I walked away from her and let her cry. I'm not gonna tell anyone they shouldn't have these feelings, let it all out, but I'm sorry I can't be there to reciprocate them with you because I'm weak myself. It takes all of my energy to get out of bed everyday and just try to live out a normal existence, you know? I want to help my mom and do whatever I can to make her feel better, but being physically affectionate and emotionally available to her is just not in the cards for me right now. If she wants to have a conversation about what's getting her down and how I could potentially try to fix it, I'll go above and beyond to do that for her. I just can't let anyone else's depression turn into my own. It seems so selfish, but I think we're better off going our separate ways when dealing with such heavy issues. What do you guys think? I feel bad about it, but I'm just not the shoulder to cry on guy, maybe someday when I actually have my life figured out I'll be more present in these situations. As of now, I'm not a therapist who knows how to deal with these things.

You're not selfish, you recognize your limits and adhere to them to ensure you don't endanger yourself.

The Monday following Mother's Day I got a text from my mom...

"Do you feel loved?"

Of course thinking that she was fishing for me to prove how grateful I am of her and what she does for me, I respond...

"Yes, of course I do"

"Good, cause I don't."

Oh shit, what have I done this time...

"Is it something I have/haven't done?"

"No, it's not that, I just don't feel very loved"

I had no idea what to say...
When I was 13ish my uncle, her brother died. My sister was too young and sensitive to deal with my mom's grief and her partner wasn't very good with that kind of emotion. Really great guy, just has a hard time dealing with emotions, even his own. So she came to me. I just dealt with it, I didn't know what else to do, I was the only one apparently. She also called me cold, as in I was able to not grieve or something, so that's why she was leaning on me... I dunno. Anyway, my point is... I don't know how to comfort my mother, it's really difficult for me. My sister and I have a hard time relating to her outside of logic and results.

You said yourself, it's not a problem with peers. Same here. We only do what we can... it make me very uncomfortable when my mom tries to lean on me for that type of support, very unnatural. I'm sure there's something to be said about my own needs not being met with her, blah blah

We can't take everything that people try to give us, it doesn't make sense, there would be chaos. You're not a terrible son, just not up to absorb the sadness that your mom wanted to unload. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.