Depression Expression

[Woodcal2]

I've always had a difficult time articulating what my on and off again depression feels like.  I was raised in a stable family, enjoy a 31+ year marriage to a good man who loves me, and successfully raised two sons who are both educated, well employed, happily married home owners in their late 20s.  Money is not an issue, nor is physical health.  While suffering an extreme low this winter, I wrote the following and I wonder, do others go through this in the absence of any obvious trauma, abuse, neglect or stress?  Here goes:
  Depression Expression, A Descent.       by EG Douglass
                                                                           2013.02.21
 
The fissure begins in the corner of my soul,
ever so slowly splintering into a subconscious realm.
Much like a wintertime windshield crack it spreads.
 Undetected, the crack grows and expands in several directions.
 
While acutely aware something is not quite right,
my mind ignores the most obvious of clues.
My heart refuses to admit anything amiss.
Much like a tickle; barely noticeable but disruptive just the same.
 
Concentration or focus becoming less and less achievable.
The constant undercurrent of panic lapping through my veins.
The corrupted fuel energizes a pain blooming
from a mere annoyance into a gaping writhing mass.
 
I search on unsteady feet and and fret through sleepless nights
for a peace so very much illusive.
There is doubt and fear lurking on my edges.
Patterns slowly reveal themselves.
One by one they surface.
 
The chest is heavy; not enough air.
Gasping, I look around to find...nothing.
Perceptions become distorted,
Interpretations become impossible.
 
I can hear your words but they are in a language i cannot decipher.
Rage begins to swell and i swallow it down with all my might,
While it fights right back with weapons against i cannot defend.
 
Rivulets of tears push up from my chest and clog my throat,
as the rage blossoms like a poison flower lush with destructive foliage.
My mind is spinning out of control and i swallow time down like an acidic bile.
 
Wait, wait, wait; I try to outlast the spell.
All human interaction transforms itself into an attack on my soul to be defended against.
Relationships are pulverized, never to be the same.
 
Patterns continue to surface,
one by one revealing their evil lashings.
It has been too many years, too many layers.
I'm tired of the fight.
The discomfort is felt too deep, too long.
 
The chest is heavy, not enough air.
Gasping, I look around to find...nothing.
I isolate myself to protect you.
Alone and desperate I grasp at a hope just outside my reach.
 
My fuels are corrupted, all systems slow.
Despair is the devil who clouds my vision.
Guilt is the devil who clouds my perspective.
Hopelessness is the devil who clouds my future.
Remorse and shame are devils who cloud my past.
I am fortunate yet crippled.
I am proud yet so weak.
 
Its been too many years, too many layers.
I'm so tired of the fight.
There is no normal.
Patterns continue to surface,
one by one revealing their evil lashings.
 
I am left in the dark alone to wait it out.
Why should you love me when i cant stand myself?
The chest is heavy; not enough air.
Gasping, I look around to find...nothing
Again I cry myself to sleep.
 
 
 
 
 

[Cheldoll]

It's entirely possible that your depression is clinical, especially if you're feeling it during the winter months. You don't have to have something shitty happen to you -- you just have some brain chemicals that fluctuate beyond normal levels. It's extremely frustrating when you just can't find a reason for how you're feeling but it's just as real of a health problem as, say, diabetes. There isn't a cure, just treatment to live with it and alleviate the symptoms -- from what you wrote, it seems like you have pretty much all of them. I really encourage you to write more since, despite having difficulties articulating how you feel, you do a great job at conveying the depression I feel.

[shrinks23]

I really really liked this. It feels so real and authentic. Something I can relate to and Im sure for many others. Hope to read more of ur work.