My grandpa who’s been severely depressed for about two years decides (subconsciously?) to starve himself to death in December/January which in turn is too much for my 89yr old grandma who after almost successfully holding it all together her whole life (besides a previous 5150 about five years ago and all the damage she’s done to her sons and subsequently to me and my sister) ends up in a psych ward involuntarily again after a month of suffering in emotional isolation and moderate to severe mental illness and after family strife and falling out between brothers over decision making and entanglement in their own emotional mess (my dad and uncles).
Meanwhile, what seems to be a fucking fascist dictator/sexual predator has somehow been “elected” to be the president of our country triggering sexual assault survivors around the world including my aunt that in turn triggers a falling out between her and her siblings and her getting 5150’d but of course not getting the help and support that she needs and ending up back home, alone with my uncle (who’s just lost his dad and whose mom and wife are losing it), isolated like the rest of us where my uncle upon trying to get her to get help loses his infamous [insert my family’s last name] temper and grabs and shakes (abuses) my aunt retraumatizing her and making her semi-suicidal(?).
Meanwhile my unrelenting, heavy, dirty, disgusting, depressing, all encompassing, ever lurking ambivalence towards my wife has come front and center again and once and for all with the idea of getting pregnant any day now. I hardly make any progress with figuring this out but am mostly haunted almost constantly by doubts and fears and guilt surrounding this. Either stay with someone I don’t respect/love/care about and lead a miserable life that will probably end up in divorce with fucked up struggling kids or crush her heart into a thousand pieces and have everyone hate me and be an isolated 33/34yr old emotional wreck of a loser that may or may not find a sad old hag to have or not have kids with.
Speaking of not making progress I’ve hardly done squat of what I had in mind to get done/start on this “fixer-upper” (more like “ran-the-fuck-downer!!”) during my winter “down time” let alone get my “warehouse” (actually a storage unit) organized/functional and take some time for my personal growth/recovery/healing.
The icing on the “Worst Winter of My Life” cake and part of why I didn’t get anything done is because I’ve had at least two colds, bacterial infections in both eyes (pink-eye), and a bought of the norovirus to cap it off.
I feel totally helpless and hopeless, just gonna keep eating my bland-ass oatmeal every morning, going to all my therapies, scramble to take care of all the things that need taking care of, living with my ambivalence and my anger and my pain in this depressing fucking “house” in this depressing fucking neighborhood.
Thanks for listening/reading/letting me vent. This is obviously just the negatives, there have been positives, too... just needed to get this out.
