YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

It's been a long time since I've been here. A lot of shit has happened. Just wanted to share this Poem I wrote about miscarriage. Sorry if it's triggering.

You Existed

I didn't know you existed,
My period was never gone,
But HEAVY,
So heavy I thought I was dying.
A super tampon could only hold me for two hours,
If I was lucky.

I didn't know you existed,
My feet hurt, my feet were swollen,
I blamed that on new shoes,
And 13 hour shifts.

I didn't know you existed,
Smells get stronger on my period,
I deemed ketchup something I never wanted to eat again.
The smell can still gag me.

I didn't know you existed,
That Easter was hard for me,
You made me sick,
Every time I ate ham or bacon.
I figured it was food poisoning,
And bacon has a way of always giving me heart burn.
The smell of Easter ham almost made me hurl,
Right at the kitchen table.

I didn't know you existed.
I got craving for pickles,
Oh my god I didn't know pickles could taste so wonderful,
I wanted to go to subway and ask if I could buy the vat of pickles,
They were sooo good!!
It was then I first thought,
I am like a crazy pregnant woman.


I didn't know you existed,
I started feeling weird sensations in my belly,
I thought it was a gas,
I thought I need to cut back on gluten,
I need to eat less cheese,
No more fast food,
Which would relieve, my hate for ketchup.
I wondered could you exist?
I thought it was impossible though.

I didn't know you existed,
Until one day, I laid on my bed topless,
The sensations were strong.
I watched in awe,
In disgust,
In shock,
I saw you swim,
From one side of me to the other.

I knew you existed then,
The shock was overwhelming,
The disgust for myself,
Never for you.
you never asked to exist.
you never had a choice,
In my choices throughout.
Those mostly bad choices.
So much I didn’t know,
You cant have while pregnant,
Some things I knew were blatantly bad,
And did it never knowing you were there.

I knew you existed then.
I learned you loved music,
Much like me,
I felt you there, when ever I sang and was getting down to the music.
I learned you despised the iPad sitting on my belly,
If I really wanted to see or feel you,
I'd put my iPad on my belly,
Then you'd go nuts,
I often wondered if I fried your brain with it.

I knew you existed then,
I thought for sure I cooked you once,
When I took a hot bath,
Dear god you kicked me right out of the tub,
And I wondered is this why pregnant women cant be in hot tubs?
I was in awe,
Grossed out and still in shock,
Whenever I felt you.

I knew you existed,
I was so scared,
I felt like a frightened child.
Trapped like an animal,
Unsure what the hell to do.
I worried what would I tell people,
What should I do?
I didn’t think I could keep you,
I never thought I could ever abort you.
I knew you deserved loving parents,
At least ones that were happy with each other.
I was so scared
So disgusted with myself,
So much in shock.

I knew you existed,
When I went to lulas
I hoped she couldn’t feel you,
I didn’t want to tell anyone about you,
Every time lula touched my belly,
You went crazy,
I thought she should know,
Or at least figure it out,
If she did she never said.
I got the feeling you wanted me to tell someone.
If for no other reason,
For possible comfort for me,
And so someone else knew you were there.

I only knew you existed for about four weeks
Two spent in shock and denial,
Even though I couldn’t deny you, try as I might,
I knew you existed.
I got to know you,
I got to feel you,
Many mothers never get that joy.
I took it for granted.

I lost you that day in June,
I hardly knew you existed.
I felt funny and off two days before.
You drove me crazy,
Kicking me swimming in me,
As if to say,
I am Here!

I lost you that day in June,
30 some hours before,
You kicked up a storm so bad,
I thought if anyone looked at me,
They'd surely know you were there,
You about made me throw up on myself suddenly.
You were screaming I am here,
Acknowledge me please!
You never gave it up until about 10 hours before.

I lost you that day in June,
Looking back,
I believe that storm of kicking,
And feeling sick was me in labor.
I got my period that night.
I was bored and alone,
I tried to get you to kick me,
Because it amused me to see that,
And it bemused me that you would kick like crazy when I laid my iPad on my belly every time.
No matter how I tried that night
You never gave me that.

I lost you that day in June,
I don’t want to think of the horror,
The mess, or the way I disposed of you.
I have incredible guilt.
I have incredible regret.
I felt incredible relief it was over,
Which made me feel even more guilty.
I never saw you, but I know it was you that fell out of me.
I knew you were not viable,
I knew deep in myself,
You were already dead.

I still don’t know what to feel.
You were unwanted,
But really how unwanted?
That is the million dollar question.
You were alive,
You EXISTED!
You mattered,
Even if it was an unwanted pregnancy.
Your heart beat with mine,
You ate my pickles,
I carried you.
You made me despise ham and ketchup,
I got to feel you,
I know many mothers never get to feel theirs,
I was lucky,
I took that for granted,
I just figured Id have you for the rest of the 9 months.
I often wondered,
What made you leave,
Was it I denied you,
Was it all the things I did,
When I didn’t know you existed??

Cherryiceee RIP my little one.

Cherry_Iceee,

This is one of the most moving, enlightening things I've ever read. I've never been pregnant; I've never reached the point where I could be a good parent, and meanwhile managed not to get pregnant accidentally. I feel so unhappy over not being "allowed" to have a child; I've never really appreciated how horrible a loss a miscarriage could be. I will be a lot more sensitive and aware, thanks to you.

Thank you so much for offering this poetic creation, and for sharing a glimpse of the creature that you alone knew. I too find myself grieving.

May you find comfort and peace.

Namu

nice poem I never thinked that someone will write poem on this topic