YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

**trigger warning**
Anyone who has been sexually assaulted or sexually abused growing up knows what it feels like to feel pervasively vulnerable. Even more so if you are a woman. Women can feel especially vulnerable because it is still socially acceptable for men to objectify women in a manner that is uncomfortable and inappropriate. The same set of social norms makes it socially unacceptable for women to confront this behavior (it's not ladylike, we don't have a sense of humor, etc...). So, tonight I was confronted by that old familiar feeling of feeling unsafe and I realized that my reaction to this has evolved into - pure anger. I am so angry. I am so not fun at parties right now.
I think part of the healing process is feeling strong enough to feel safe again.
Someday, I want to know what this feels like (it will be a first). Then I can start writing different poems...maybe about daisies and butterflies.
Until then...

MY NO NAME RAPIST POEM
Have you ever been so full of something that you just couldn’t name
And it shook you
From your core to your skin
Trying to feel the love
But all you feel is uncomfortable
And betrayed

I feel angry
I feel so aware
My overcharged senses takes everything in
Every word
Every breath
Every movement in my periphery vision
I am trying to relax
But my muscles keep right on flexing
Almost wishing for a fight
An attack
A single missile firing in my direction
A bomb in the male posting a target on my feminine

To the guy at the bar who won't stop staring
C’mon – I think
Give me a reason
Give me that line
The one that infers every woman needs a man
But even if that were true
Why would any woman choose you
When you have to steal what you need because it's just no fun when they
give it to you willingly
Go ahead
Try me

I am the solid
I am the bricks
I am the wall
Karma has built
Just for you
Built on the tired backs of the broken
The souls twisted up with innocence stolen
Pain without a name and too many women
telling themselves to shut the fuck up
Just to quiet the voices in their heads
Their perpetual self hate that began with a name
crossing their borders
conquering with shame
A name like yours for example

I’ve got an iron will and an undertow fueled by anger
blood red from all the years I couldn’t run
So tonight
I’m standing my ground
To right the wrongs of your
tarnished heart that I am going to make sure you bleed from
I’ve got nothing to lose
I don’t care that my anger is not lady like enough for you
Or that my push back isn’t feminine when you’d just try to fuck that too
I know you don't bargain
I know you think you'll enjoy the fight
But I'm staying to finish what you started
With your ape like statue
Your misogynistic want
I'm raising the stakes to winner takes all
So if I fall
So will you
And I promise you this
You will not be getting back up

This is a strong poem and the last two stanzas are particularly powerful to me. Sure, I like daisies and butterflies too, but no poem about them would be able to capture such raw fear and anger and everything in between like this has. The whole piece has a solid voice -- something victims desperately need. Good work.