First time post-vent

[cem]

OK so here I am. I'm totally gonna dump. I am the mother of two beautiful girls-2.5 and 5 years. I am struggling. I've been struggling since I was 4 months post-partum with my first and I really, really felt like cutting myself. And started Zoloft. I've been on and off zoloft 3 times.

My marriage kinda sucks. I'm married to a workaholic and don't get much (any)support from him.

I've been a binge eater/purger, smoker, and now a daily drinker. I gave up the smokes before I got pregnant and haven't had one since. I have a highly addictive personality. I never ever cared much for alcohol but on those endless days with the little ones it sure is nice to look forward to a few (several) drinks at night. I don't know myself anymore. I am trying my best to not go back on the drugs because I hate to alter my brain with that stuff, but I think I'm at the end of my rope. My kids are really high strung and I go from 0 to 10 really quick. My parents didn't take the shit that my kids dish to me-I think they sense my weakness. They sense my exaustion. They need me and I'm a shitty fucking parent. I am all over the board-I'm the sweetest mom ever one minute and screaming at the top of my lungs the next. Every teacher my kids have had says that my kids are exceptional-they are-but I'm not sure why. I have a husband but I'm really doing it all alone, he's like another child. It's so much pressure. I think I need to go back on meds. I started st. johns wort yesterday, I'm going to give it a week and see how it goes. Anyone else feel this way? Thanks you guys.

[Cheldoll]

I don't have any kids, but I can already tell you're not a shitty parent -- try not to be so hard on yourself. Sounds like you've got two lovely children who're doing well.

Why have you been on and off Zoloft? Is it just in order to stay off all drugs? I actually started on it this Friday, trying to replace Effexor (which is a bitch to get off of), so I was just curious.

[cem]

Hey there-yeah just trying to see if I can get by drug free. Zoloft lowered my sex drive and pleasure from sex. I was pretty disconnected from joy and pain. Put me in survival mode. Thx for your kind words!!

[Jenny Jump]

I don't think you're a shitty parent, either. I am curious: are you under medical surveillance to get off meds? I've done both and doing that kind of adventure alone with kids is a really dangerous combo. A medical professional can find a med for you that doesn't have sexual side effects.

[Leebeeboo]

Wow. This is exactly how I feel, cem. I have two little girls, 4 and 3, and I love them, but I feel like I'm fucking them up constantly. I don't spank them (I'm afraid I'll turn into my mother, who went crazily overboard with physical discipline), but I find myself yelling and it scares me. I wake up every morning with the best intentions, but everyday, without fail, my mental fog/sadness/isolation settles in and I'm useless.

I've made an appointment with a psych, because I can't live like this anymore. Unfortunately, it's about two weeks away, so I'm treading water until then. Please don't discount all meds because of Zoloft. It had the same effect on me, I felt nothing emotionally, and was dead from the waist down.

[VulgarWizard]

I have a husband but I'm really doing it all alone, he's like another child. It's so much pressure.

Oh, AMEN, baby, AAAAAA-MEN!

[Amalthist]

I really hope you were able to find some help, or at least a shoulder to cry on. I've been there with the "I'm a horrible mother" feelings because of depression/anxiety. Hang in there. Kids are resilient, just get the help you need now, don't wait for a more convenient time of life to tackle this...cuz you probably already know life is tough.
<hugs>

[Exhausted Mom]

I completely understand. The early years with with my child was very challenging for me. My husband had extreme anxiety and depression and I was pretty much a single parent. I went into autopilot and developed a lot of resentment toward my husband. I felt like I had to be everything for everybody, everybody but myself. My kids are 6 and 8 now and I am just starting to help myself. Through my therapist I became aware of an organization called Clear Mind. I am hopefully going to attend a workshop in the fall, but they have a video that might help you a bit. Under the resources column on the their website www.clearmind.com are some video and audio files. I know it feels like you are too exhausted to think about yourself, but it is so important. If you can, go talk to someone, you are important and you are not a bad mother. The other thing I am doing is nuerofeedback, which has help me and my family tremendously. It is not cheap though. My heart goes out to you because I was in your shoes. I hope this helps and sending you a hug.
Exhausted mom