Mom of Spirited Child who is Losing her Shit

[LeavingLosAngeles]

Rough day with my three year old. Well, rough afternoon. In the morning, he had a blast at preschool. I picked him up at 12:30 and we went to the park and played for another two hours with a friend. He did great and kept everyone's bodies "safe" (that means no hitting, pushing, biting, kicking...). Then we came home around 3pm and he lost it. He's recently given up his nap and is potty learning and I've started to work more so I know this isn't shocking but I'm SO tired of being hit, spit at, called poopy head. He throws objects. The last four hours felt like 40.

I'm writing this here because I honestly have no one to talk to about this other than my husband. Other parents don't get it, they don't have the same struggles. They are not being physically accosted by their kid on a daily basis. And I'm also wary of talking about it because I know there is nothing anyone can say. If they agree with me, like yeah, your kid is a nightmare, I'm completely offended and want to defend him because he's mine and I love him and I don't think there's anything "wrong" I just think he's super intense and a GIANT trigger for me based on my own childhood traumas.

I can't talk with my family about it for the same reason. So I have my husband, who handles his aggression way better than I do but he works sixty hours a week. I live in constant fear of him hurting another child, I'm convinced that everyone judges him and me, that no one likes us, that he will never self-regulate or gain any impulse control, and that I will become one of those mothers who has to call the cops on her child because he's trying to stab me. Kidding. Sort of not really.

Anyone out there have a "spirited" child?

[bigeekgirl]

I'm not a mom but my niece can be an ornery little shit. She was very quite as physical as your son, but she was highly verbal from a young age, bossy and stubborn. A natural contrarian. She's got issues with poor sleep, impulsiveness and managing frustration. She's nine now and sadly I don't live local anymore but up until she was five I was close. For a long time, I actually saw her more than her father. I love this child as if she was mine, but some days I didn't like her very much. It was hard and is hard for her mom. She little one is relentless and at some point when you are the primary personal responsible for a difficult child you take the path of least resistance.

The good news is things are easier now. They did therapy and medication. She's now just doing a sleeping med which is amazing. She never used to fall asleep unless you read her a dozen books and sometimes not even then. She's becoming a person who you can reason with and talk to about her problems. She's aware of her behavior even when she still acts out sometimes. Much of this is simply age and maturity. It will come for your son, too.

I think it's so important that you make sure to carve out time for something that refreshes you however that has to happen. Something to remind you that you are something other than Mom. I would also recommend talking to someone about this. If it really can't be friends or family, a therapist would be appropriate, but I really think friends and family are a good start. You'd be surprised how people can listen even if they don't understand.

[TinaMarie1234]

Thanks for the post about the This American Life show. It was great. I went to the first mom's blog and her struggle is so difficult, but so similar to some things that all parents of challenged kids go through. (I was typing the last sentence as my special needs daughter was starting one of her potentially dangerous behaviors which I have to redirect her from about 100-200 times each day. I feel like a tape recording, just saying the same thing over and over again each day).

Hearing the show, especially the second and third sections was reassuring, especially given the statistics presented. I would also urge the mom who started the original post to consider diet, nutrition and exercise - I know of a number of parents who feel that diet, nutrition and exercise helped to even out their child's behaviors - enough to take some of the edge off and any reduction in the ups and downs is worth fighting for (assuming you've got any fight left in you).

I hope things are going better for you these days.

[motormom]

Oh boy, I totally get it! I feel your pain.
I've got 5 kids and not one is a laid-back, easy going, sure-I'll-clean-up kind of kid. They are constantly challenging me, speaking out of line and destroying my house!
For someone like me who craves control and order it's a huge struggle. There were days I was sure I'd run away and I sure would have liked to.
The one thing that helps me not become the next Andria Yates is to constantly remind myself that the issues I have about my kids really has nothing to do with them. It's my own struggles that make it so difficult to deal and that's not their fault.
So I plow on and keep repeating, "they are kids. This is their job - to drive their parents insane..." And I also try hard to focus on how talented and smart they are so I don't resent them. Mostly, I try to be as present as I can now so that when they finally grow up and leave I can kick back without an iota of guilt!!

[Britney2007]

What you type, is like reading my future.

My child is 20 months old and I break down on a daily basis wondering how I will ever parent this child. With everyone else, he's a regular toddler. He has moods and tantrums, but he is fairly happy and expressive too. With me? it's a different story. He cries with me all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. If it's not crying it's screaming or hitting. I can't travel anywhere with him because he screams bloody murder in the car. The farthest we can go is about 20 minutes away and most of the time that's pushing it.

When you talk to other people about it, they say things like "all children are like that" but they are not. If all children were like this, there would be no children.

Today, when he threw the most amazing fit getting into his car seat (a regular occurrence but this was over the top), I shut all the doors to the car (with him in it) and just sat beside the car and cried. This is a regular thing for me unfortunately.

I love my child. I just think he chose the wrong parent because he clearly hates me.