Adult children

[bridgetbones]

I parented my child on my own since he was 3 years old, he is now 21. He experienced a febrile seizure when he was 18 months old and it was hours before he woke up after. The longest day of my life. There was no brain damage thank god. I wonder how much that experience changed how I parented him. It definitely changed me. I could never shake the thought that I could lose him in an instant. People have accused me of not being strict enough with him, my spirited boy.
His childhood could not have been easy, his father and I split when he was 3, but he spent weekends etc. with him and they had a good relationship. His father was and is continually in counselling for different mental health diagnosis and really focused on his own health. He talked really openly about it with my son, which was fine, but I think it went too far sometimes. I've had my own issues with anxiety and depression but couldn't really share it with anyone outside of my counsellors, I tried to be stable for my son. I probably failed. So he had 2 messed up parents from the get go.
My son and I were very close and happy until he started 9th grade and started having trouble in school. He had always been very bright and school was easy for him but I couldn't motivate him to do his homework etc. I did a lot of his projects in fact (stupid, but I didn't have time for the constant parent teacher meetings and couldn't handle the phone calls some days). He began skipping school and eventually stopped going altogether in 12th grade. He lost interest in hanging out with his friends and participating in guitar and karate lessons. This behaviour coincided with an excessive amount of multiplayer gaming.
He was diagnosed with ADHD but refused medication which I didn't argue with as I was afraid of the drugs effect on his still developing brain.I found counselling for him and he liked his therapist. In one session we had together with him I broke down, the therapist took me aside after and told me I needed to gain control of my feelings, I tried. It seemed to be helping and I was glad my son had someone to share what he could not share with me. Unfortunately his dad did not see things the same way and stopped paying for his sessions (he had a great job with full medical coverage, I struggled financially, no coverage). I found him a new counsellor I could afford and he seemed to like him but getting him to go to his appointments became as difficult as getting him to go to school. He didn't want to do anything but game eventually. It was like his avatar had taken over. I would try to limit the gaming, hiding the modem etc. and he would become enraged. I was actually afraid of him, he punched holes in walls, physically intimidated me and once pushed his grandmother. I called the police twice because of his meltdowns.
He threatened to kill himself. I took the threat very seriously and the police took him to the hospital. I spent most of the night there with him refusing to take him home until someone made a plan to treat him, he was now 18 and I couldn't force him to do anything but I was trying to get him into the system so he could get the help I couldn't give him. He was crying and asking why I didn't love him. I had told him I loved him everyday of his life. I knew if I took him home nothing would change. I begged his father and other family members to help, to take him in for a while so I could continue to work and get my shit together in order to deal with this. No one would. No one even showed up.
I kicked him out. I helped him with finding a place to live and set him up financially and even got him a job where I worked. It seemed better, not great, but better. He would be late for work likely because he was up late gaming, but the space was good and our relationship improved.
Of course things didn't last and he moved back in, slept all day, gamed all night and eventually I kicked him out again. He went to a shelter. I didn't sleep the whole time he was there. Oddly our relationship improved again. The cycle happened one more time, he came home, left because of the loafing/gaming. Now he doesn't speak to me and tells me I was abusive. The thing is I think I eventually was. I could not speak civilly to him during the last time he was home. I felt like he was sucking the life out of me. I couldn't sleep because he was yelling at his computer late into the night. I was sleep deprived and stressed out. I would ask nicely once, then I would lose it. I had lost control. I felt he didn't care about me or anything but his gaming life. I was angry and couldn't deal with it.
He left and hasn't spoken to me in months. I reach out occasionally but he just sends profane texts and accuses me of being abusive. I'm not sure what to do. It's kind of a relief to not have to deal with him to be honest, but my soul aches for him. I want him to feel I will always love him and that he is never alone. I really would do anything for him, but I can't do anything when he is living in my house. It's so hard. I think of all the mistakes I made as a parent and wish I could go back in time. I wish he was happy.

[bridgetbones]

I replied to some new people who had no replies because it sucks to reach out and find nothing. I want instant gratification for once dammit Say anything!

[rc409]

Man, I'm sorry for not seeing this. Id have replied earlier.

So, hes 18 and was very disruptive in your house. I think part of that is natural for our species. If our life, with parents was awesome, why would we ever leave?

The thing is, hes now old enough to be somewhat of a grown up, at least legally. A real fun way to handle all the texts to you, filled with profanity, is to respond....

"Yea, I hear what your saying. Just wanted to say I love you." and end it at that.

Now you need to cut off the finances. You say, Obviously, I can see your grown up. Grown ups pay their bills and support themselves." Dont do it in a mean, threatening way...its like ...obviously, as you know......" My sendign you money is allowing you to continue like this.

If you threaten suicide, I will have to contact police and they will issue a 5150 order (yes, they will) Then do it. You'll either save his life, or make him stop threatening that.

My wife went through the same thing with our daughter, and heres a short version....

Profanity filled tests
she gets thrown out of my house for same reasons you have
wife sends money checks
more filthy texts
i say..ENOUGH. This ends now
money stops
major filthy tests
she ends up at womans shelter for a night
she gets job, and is now doing pretty well

The thing is, you matter. You have a life you get to enjoy.
she gets job and supports herself and is now doing well
relationshoip improved

At this point, if you argue, fight and explain, you are feedign the monster.

[bridgetbones]

thank you so much. I feel helpless and stuck. I have to believe it will be ok and I can be a part of his life again.

[rc409]

Honest, all your doing right now is taking a few steps back so you can allow him to find/build a life. With you paying for his life, and ultimately controlling it, he has no reason to find his own.

Then when he does find his life, you re-enter.

Its very sad if you dont allow this. I have a 40 year bold step son who we found out was basically on scholarship from the time he was 18, until now.

My mother-in-law had been giving him anywhere form 1000-1500 dollars, per month, for the last two decades! So, guess what? She finally died, and his scholarship ended. End result is a 40 year old guy trying to raise and support a family on 11.00, per hour.

Thats your other option. Yes, its much less painful for you to go through, and many mothers/grandmothers choose that .

I like you no matter what.

[bridgetbones]

I think you're correct. I like you too. Thanks man