Hello
So many thoughtful replies, thank you all!
(I got overwhelmed thinking about what to say, so I ran off to carve a pumpkin instead.)
So, one by one
Rivergirl
Do you think the symptoms are increasing, or that you're just noticing them more?
Not really sure. It’s only suggestions of OCD that I’m recognizing- noticeable but more mildly-annoying than really troublesome.
Actually, it seems to have begun when I was in that religious phase I wrote about, from about 18 ~ 24.
(Note - I feel real shame in the fact that I “wasted” so much time in that and didn’t have the “normal” college experience of my peers who went on to university.
(OAK – You have a Master’s degree!! Whereas I do not….)
BTW - Who is that poor woman in the intro who says “I’m ashamed…… Deeply ashamed…..” in that wonderful Aussie accent? I feel bad for her. Shame really hurts. Sometimes it’s worse than some physical pains.)
But I do take some comfort in knowing that the religious impulse has been strong in many others much more intelligent than I. Wasted is in quotes too, since I did learn much about life, the world, and the struggles others have.
About the OCD-like behavior - When I’d have a “sinful” thought or visualization (usually sexual, since that’s what most often focused on in the religious realm), I’d just give my head a slight shake. Sometimes murmer a short prayer or something too.
Later when the shake became somewhat automatic, I’d counter it with a little nod as a counter. Opposites cancel each other, right?
Maggie Rowe’s episode was interesting to me. I can relate to a lot of the thoughts (OCD and otherwise) and the philosophical/theological conundrums she was wrestling with.
Also Keith Miller’s episode about his religiosity and the insights he now has about it.
All I can say is that the world I saw in the 60’s and 70’s was a really ugly place. I was depressed, and stuck, and it seemed like a good idea at the time, and I *did* make friends and have a few cross-country adventures along the way.
I was happy for a few years.
(Also, I know now that there was something in the water, since I wasn’t the only one… not by a long shot. And it *did* save me from the horrors of the Disco period, thank God!
)
I wonder if there's something physical you could do similar to "shaking it off" that isn't as obvious to others? I don't know if it would have the same effect but I was thinking something like tensing and then releasing your hands. Just a thought.
I think it’s better if I could just relax a bit and realize that it’s not “me” but just a quirky by-product of this awesome neural network in my head, with all its other wonderful emergent properties....
Mental Fairy
Are the thoughts from you or someone else in your past that’s left a verbal scaring on your mindset?
I’ve always had a negative bias it seems. And I remember when very young being discussed as being “very sensitive” by a school counselor with my mother. Boy I hated that! Macho at six!
Also probably grade-school Catholicism and the later brow-beating all we got in the group as not being good enough – the old saved-by-works trope.
Also, maybe needing to set better mental boundaries.
Suffering happens to, and is felt by, individuals. But from *our* vantage point we can “take in the whole world”, especially in these hyper-connected times and it can be quite overwhelming if you dwell on it for too long. (An insight from C.S Lewis that I try to remember).
Can I ask what you have noticed? When you do get up and move around what thoughts come into your mind?
In the middle of the night when I wake, there’s sometimes a feeling of dread & impending doom, or a fear of death or disaster. But if I get up, it dissipates pretty quickly. Maybe I feel more in control, and just by opening my eyes it brings on a sort of mindfulness and grounding rather than the swirling mental churn.
Beanie
I’ve lately started looking into the role of inflammation in OCD. There’s writing online that links the two.
That is what I would seek out the moment I sensed that my symptoms were likely becoming unmanageable.
Thankfully mine are only mildly annoying, but I can imagine if they were stronger what trouble that would be!
Inflammation is obviously a real physiological thing, but sometimes kind of nebulous too. What does it really mean? How do you know it’s a causative factor of something?
I do have seasonal allergies which are a form of inflammation. I’d be interested if you find something...
Manny
I am having a lot of success when I hug the part of my personality that brings up the negative thoughts. Previously I would yell at it, then later I tried to reason with it and negotiate with it
I should try that, for the self criticism. The other negativity seems to come from outside realities, and I can’t change that much at all. God I hate the way the world is, most times.
Thank you all again
(Sorry for these, but they make me laugh!)
SD
