YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

You may or may not have heard of the term "narcissistic rage," but I wonder if anyone else has experienced or observed rage/anger responses in people with OCD.

My wife of 5 years was diagnosed with OCD early in our relationship. I have a good understanding of the disorder having grown up with a dad and brother with it, but she's different. Her obsessions mainly center around transmission of germs and toxic chemicals, which is one of the more common types, but where it gets strange is how she deals with it: she is highly resistant to admitting her rituals are OCD-related. Sometimes I'm not clear if it's lack-of-insight or she's merely lying because she's embarrassed, but she will insist to the point of absurdity that her beliefs and rituals are completely reasonable. If I refuse to "play along," she becomes explosively angry. She's even physically assaulted me a few times. It puts me in a strange place because the conventional approach to OCD is I should not pretend her obsessions are reasonable or play along as though they are, as this encourages the behavior. But with the threat of rage looming, I have to walk on eggshells about how I react. Has anyone else experienced this with an OCD patient?

yes but my partner had more than just OCD - he was depressed and had been abused as a child so he had rage issues.
Once he woke me at night and raged for an hour because I had hung the TP in the "submissive " position and was forcing him to use it that way and while we are at it, I had put the toothpaste back in the wrong direction (he had 3 he rotated thru each day) and I had messed his system....
OCD is often treated with anti depressants and also has low serotonin levels, like depression

In other words, OCD is not just the behavior and is not just a way of thinking that can be "rationalized away" by your being rational....
perhaps (and i am speculating here) the cognitive dissonance of your comments and the person's inability to control the ocd creates a conflict of trying to be normal and recognizing something is wrong with the way their brain is functioning and how scary that is, right?

as for advice - you are living this, there is at least some physical harm and abuse -
your job is not to "tell them the beliefs are wrong " - ie correct their thinking
your job is to be safe, secure and compassionate at the same time
you can't cure them unless they participate, don't try.
set boundaries for what you can live with, be supportive but the advice on how to cure, etc...?

I appreciate your post, and I think it gave me some ideas. It's really made me self-reflect a bit. While I don't necessarily "tell her that her beliefs are wrong," on reflection I see I can be kind of confrontational about it refusing to engage in compulsions. Not mean, just very brusque and uncompromising. Granted, it doesn't warrant her hitting me and she has been told she will not raise her hand to me again or the police will be involved. Yeah I know I am kinda giving her a bit more leeway because it's a very small women hitting a large man, but it's occurred so rarely in our long relationship.

Your mention of setting boundaries also inspired me to do some reading around the internet using that as a search term and I got some useful articles I'd not found before. I think these will be useful, because up until now I have been approaching it like her compulsions must 100% stop, and that's probably never going to happen.

My Mom was a pretty good OCD rager. She kept a spotless house and still does. Everything is "just so" and sometimes when she would come home and I would be in my bedroom I could hear her walking around yelling at no one "What the hell is this doing here?" "Why is there a knife on the counter?" or whatever dumb little thing was freaking her out. One day she went into my room while I was at school to put away some laundry. She was appalled by my messy drawers and closet and so...some kind of rage must have ensued because when I came home that day from school, everything I owned had been yanked out of my drawers, my closet, my shelves, etc...and was piled up about 5 feet high in the middle of my bedroom. I had a final the next day to take, but I wasn't allowed to study until every single thing had been hung up or folded properly and put away again. It took me hours

The OCD is just a symptom of a much larger problem. At least when I was at the height of my OCD I felt like I had no control over my life. The rituals and thought patterns were a comfort from the constant anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. So I can understand becoming angry when someone wants to question or take that crutch away. That said it is never okay for somebody to hit someone.

She needs help, but like everyone says it has to start with her. The therapy for OCD is to treat underlying problems (depression, anxiety, etc...) and to slowly get people past their phobias through exposure. They will also slowly get you to delay rituals. This should be done with a specialist as you doing it may cause more harm than good. Good luck to you and think about reaching out for help for her if she'll accept it.

Hi,
yeah I definitely experience this, and regret it very time it happens. Immediately after i go into a deep depression and hate myself for it. Its like a panic attack for me, where the stress of my everyday lif builds up into obsessing about how things are out of place, then i start to feel like no one will help me, that i need help and start acting like a crazy person. its hard to step away and do normal panic attack things, I think following similar steps as panic attacks would help, to acknowledge feelings. idk

Hello HiHeyHello

(Is there an echo in here? )

Welcome aboard! This appears to be a bit of an old thread, but we're reading your post!
If you do a search using simply "OCD" on the main podcasts page, there are a lot of hits. Lots to listen to.....lots of company...

I don't have a big problem with OCD, but in 2019 (pre-Covid) I had bouts of almost debilitating anxiety... mind racing, hands shaking sort of thing. It had a lot to do with work & life circumstances and feeling like I had no control over much of anything.

Along with that anxiety I felt the pull toward obsessive thinking and rumination - returning to the same things over and over and it was exhausting. Hard to rise above it, but sometimes writing helped & exercise & focused breathing.

I also went for about a dozen sessions with a kindly psychiatrist that helped quite a bit. (Although fighting traffic to get to the appointments on time were sometimes an added anxiety burden ).

You seem to have good insights into your struggle, and maybe how to get a handle on it.
Damn difficult when you're in the midst of things, but I think you're on the right path.

Wishing you well!

Snoringdog