I know I'm shit, but am I diagnosable shit?

[Ziggy]

I'm going to preface this by saying I'm having a hard time formulating thoughts because I'm in a downward slump. Logging into the site was hard enough, and now there's this blank page in front of me.

There's a lot of debate in my life over whether or not I am Mentally Ill. My friends say I need help, my family says I'm overreacting and there's no way I'm taking medication, the countless mental professionals I've poured my heart out to haven't said much at all. Some have suggested various diagnoses, but most backtrack when I'm wary of their suggested treatments and tell me to just go home and get more sleep. (I've pointed out that most of the time I can't sleep more than 3 or 4 hours a night due to anxiety, paranoia or hopelessness). I'm "high-functioning", meaning I go to most of my classes and get fairly good grades. Most people who I interact with would call me eccentric and possibly unstable, but probably not a danger to myself or others. That doesn't mean I'm not in a ridiculous amount of emotional turmoil.

I've never received a formal diagnosis, mostly because I come from a hippie background full of people who believe in the healing powers of yoga, beekeeping, and vegan curry (which I'm completely in favour of, don't get me wrong).

I know a diagnosis shouldn't be my end goal. At this point my goal is to stay alive, but a diagnosis would feel extremely validating after years of being told I'm overreacting and selfish. I want to explore various options for treatment with some understanding of what I'm in for.

Right now the thing I identify with most is Bipolar II or Bipolar NOS. I know I have depressive periods (suicidal thoughts, guilt, apathy, self-hatred, self harm, general hopelessness, exhaustion, it's a blast) but they're generally pretty brief (never more than a week or two, sometimes only a few hours). Sometimes I have very high moods. I don't lose control of my behaviour, but I can become very agitated and impulsive. I do things like run down the middle of roads, spontaneously explore strange parts of my city, buy things I don't need or spend hours on the phone with friends across the country talking at top speed about my miraculous life goals. I self medicate with caffeine and alcohol when I'm down, and when the highs become paranoid or anxious I smoke pot or self harm.

I've been trying to track my moods (I've got various books and apps) but it's hard to keep it up and there doesn't seem to be a regular pattern.

I'm just not sure what to do with my suspicions. I've already been told I'm overreacting by my university psychologist, and there's no one else at the school I can talk to. I don't have the money to seek out a private evaluation. Short of being hospitalized (which I've been close to on many occasions but would be a hassle) I don't know how to begin to understand myself and my mental health.

Help help help help help

[manuel_moe_g]

Diagnosis or not, you are not shit, you are not overreacting, and you are not selfish.

You are suffering. Maybe a diagnosis would help you, maybe not. Personally, I have been diagnosed at different times with bipolar, depression, Asperger's - now I think each person that is mentally suffering has some unique mixture of depression and anxiety. I am doing EMDR and having good results, mainly because my therapist is really empathic and motivated to help.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have had some lousy breaks - the university psychologist sounds like a terrible and hurtful therapist. Keep the lines of communication open, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[CosM129]

Hi Ziggy
This is very hard but you sound like an adult,in age i mean. Your family has a say but they don't have the right to control you or tell you what to do maybe you need to set some boundaries with them? in the meantime or just get a fresh perspective. Kudos to you for having them though as they seem to be have raised you to be healthy and have all these awesome holistic/natural life "activities" that you can utilize. I don't think its right though in my opinion that they are so hard on you because if you have a serious illness it is your life that could be in danger. It could send you to hospital and that would be hard on you.

I am wondering though with the university psychologist, because your so informed and so convinced of what is going on you might be making them just agree with a diagnosis that you have and if they are extremely busy do they spend enough time with you? Maybe the emotions are getting so far out of your control that your telling them too much. Could you write it down in a list and say it matter of fact all your symptoms? Do they know the honest truth that you have all of the symptoms listed and that you are self harming. I am worried for you I wonder if you could get a diagnosis by going to a no fee counsellor or a university of psychiatry student that would be available for an opinion/therapy and not charge you a fee, also if you want to talk to them Paul has a section for therapists on the forum and they are very helpful and confidential. Let me know if your okay or just post and update It might even be beneficial to go to a support group, they have groups for people who are : depressed, anxious, self harm, use alcohol. The university should have a support group for students that is relating to anxiety and metal health and you cannot speak of what has gone on in the group it is for sure confidential. I know cuz i have gone to support group at a university it was good. Also "Meetups" and your area check if they have groups you might want to join because they could also have anxiety/depression group/ who knows what is out there right? let me know if this helps

[AndyLand]

Just the title made me want to hug you. I'm sorry for the trouble you've had getting good treatment and support. Don't give up.

[Oliveismydog]

I FEEL THIS FEEL. After fleeing the west coast, I've finally started seeing a therapist and am looking for a psychiatrist (which is really frustrating, I've called 15 people or so and no one would take me). It's hard to feel like whatever is in you head is real when medication doesn't seem to affect it. For me, medication not working destabilizes any potential diagnosis (Well, Prozac didn't work, neither did Zoloft or Lexapro, and the Wellbutrin kind of worked but not really, so do I even have depression/anxiety??). It's also hard to feel like things will ever change when you don't have a "sticky" diagnosis. My PCP suggested Bipolar II the other day, so now I'm taking Lamictal.
Honestly, I've found that research hinders me more than it helps. I've found the more I look into what my symptoms could possibly add up to, the more I twist my existing symptoms to fit it. I don't really know what's real anymore, like if I actually have manic periods and hypersexuality and I've just never distinguished them, or if I now just think I have manic periods any hypersexuality because it would allow me to justify possibly "leading someone on" which lead to me getting assaulted (sort of).
Have you found research to be helpful? Not a doctor and have no diagnosis to compare to, but it certainly seems like Bipolar II is a possibility. Have you spoken to a psychiatrist outside of your uni?