On voices, thoughts and talking to yourself

[Bipolar1too]

Its the first sign of madness, right?
Talking to yourself, and I don't mean speaking to the cat or random under the breath comments.
I am referring to the back and forth conversation that is usually reserved for those standing at the traffic lights offering to wash your windows trying to get enough change to pay for their next hit of crack.
So I have always had a nagging voice in my head, not quite my own but not quite a hallucination either. You know the one? Derogatory comments on things you do/say/think and telling you what a fucking idiotic waste of space you are.
Recently, it would seem that this little voice has broken out of it mental prison and I have found myself or rather "it" VERBALISING these comments. Now its blossoming from just the I-dropped-the-keys swearing tirade at self, to a point where I also find myself unconsciously commenting aloud on general things like "oh that's a nice bag" IN PUBLIC. I don't seem to have any control over this and am also finding myself in my mind, telling my voice to shut up and then engaging in some sort of thought war with myself where I end up exploding some sort of out loud verbal comment (usually swear words) the average passer by would be forgiven for thinking I had Tourette's.
Its almost like I have become so at one with the "intrusive thoughts" that my brain has forgotten which voice is me and which is the nagging thought.
Does this happen to anyone else...?
I am kind of concerned that this will progress... I am in a really depressive episode at the moment too, not Manic at all so I can't blame that.

[shockedinSF]

Hi. Yes I have this problem too. I am a pseudo high functioning person who normally acts like everyone else. Except for the fact that I am totally acting! I feel torn between two selves and am so afraid I will loose myself by pretending all the time. So yes when it comes to the voice, it is always there. I have started having full on therapy sessions with my psychiatrist in my mind to where I am constantly processing my feelings and anticipating what she will say. I then move on to simply talking to myself about mundane things and even sometimes out loud in public. I am also in a depressive episode and trying really hard to climb out of it. I think the voice got louder when I got depressed and especially when I isolate in my house and remain alone. That's when I literally yell out loud "shut up". It happened yesterday and I got really freaked out that it was going to be like this forever. I was so afraid to be alone that I went to an AA meeting. I am not a member of AA I just wanted to be around people. I have noticed it's not as bad when I do things like get massages or work out. Also things that are tactile like sewing or pottery. I am hoping to find a way to quiet my mind. I feel like I think way too loudly. I don't know if there is a medication for this. I am already taking an anti-psychotic so whats the deal?

[Bipolar1too]

It's nice to hear I'm not alone (but I'm sorry that you are going through this too.)
I'm on an antipsychotic too (seraquel ) and I don't think it's doing anything - although there is always the question of what I would be like if I wasn't taking it. Talking to my psychologist about it and she thinks it's related to the way I tend to compartmentalise my thoughts and that I need to connect with myself more in order to silence this "voice". I'm working on a few visualisation excersizes she gave me, but to be honest, I am having a lot of trouble caring enough to want to fix it right now.

[Decisions are hard]

I'm so glad I read this thread. I have been having that same experience and it keeps getting worse and worse. I even have the same tendency to have conversations with my therapist in my head...but I say them out loud...to myself. Has anyone had experience with reducing this? It's really starting to concern me.

[lovelovestolovelove]

So here's a text I sent to a friend of mine who also has Bipolar just this morning:

"Fun crazy person story: like I told you, anytime I'm alone and remember something I should have done but haven't or just something that's stressing me out, there's a good chance I'll involuntarily mutter/say/yell something abusive to myself. As I was getting into my car to go to work I remembered an email I should have finished writing and sent like 5 days ago, and yelled "FUCK YOU!" to myself. Then I realized I hadn't closed the car yet. Dunno if anyone was in hearing range, but I pulled outta that parking lot post-fucking-haste."

So no, you're not alone. It usually only happens when I'm by myself, but if I'm feeling really bad I'll sometimes find myself muttering abuse in public too, although I don't think I've ever done it at full volume around other people. It's sometimes accompanied by punching myself in the head, too. Easily the most common phrase I involuntarily hurl at myself is "You stupid fucking cunt!" Other classics are "Fuck you," "Just fucking die," "What the fuck is wrong with you," "Stop it," "Shut up," "Stopstopstopstopstop," "Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck," and "You stupid piece of shit!" Also sometimes I'll catch myself halfway through and try to get it under control, so it'll come out like, "You stupid fucking--woah woah, shhh, hey, stop it. Calm down. You're ok."

It's something I'm super embarrassed about, but I've told a couple people about it now, and I feel less shame every time I do. I'm much more able to have a sense of humor about it. I've never thought about the possibility that it might be medication related. For me at least I don't think that's likely. I just have chronically abysmal self esteem and a tendency to compartmentalize my emotions, and that stuff's bound to come out somehow.