Moods so intense they feel like they could kill me

[curbyourdepression]

Hello,

Did not know which forum to post this in, I am a 30 year old female, diagnosed with depression at 18 (though have had anxiety & depression as early as I can remember), panic disorder, and most recently a new psychiatrist diagnosed me with type 2 bipolar for the first time ever. She also says I may have ADHD. I tried going on Latuda for the bipolar diagnosis for about two months, but the akathisia (restlessness) side effect was so hellish I went off of it cold turkey. Have returned to my standard Lexapro and Klonopin as needed for panic attacks since then. It's been about 6 months back on that regimen. Don't really know what to do with the bipolar and ADHD diagnosis - we are just monitoring.

I've been having these waves of irritability, more so than usual lately and more intense. I've had them throughout my life, as a teen - I blamed in on the hormones, sometimes I can attribute it to PMS. I would attribute it to being tired or hungry in my 20s when my lifestyle was a little unstable. But as I come close to turning 31, going to therapy weekly and with a pretty good grip on myself (most days), I am growing very weary of these "bad moods" that sweep through entire days and affect everyone around me. I am posting here now because my father just asked me, "Why are you being so mean to everyone?" It broke my spell, slightly - I still feel extremely irritable but having someone notice it quelled the steam a bit.

I feel like the Tazmanian devil with these irritable moods. I get SO IRRITATED at everything around me - the sound of someone's feet on the floor, the sound of anything really - someone talking to me. A slight breeze. My phone going off. I will snap at anyone who comes near me, even when I'm telling myself "be nice, be nice, be nice, breathe..." It just comes out of me like dragon breath. I get angry at noise, sensation, sight, hunger, thirst, communication - anything required of human existence. I need to be left entirely alone when these moods strike, but even when I'm alone, it doesn't cure the bad mood. I just stew by myself in it, but then at least I'm not being toxic to my friends and family. I will generally hide under the covers until it's time to go to sleep, or take a Klonopin if I have to be somewhere, and be in public and around people.

Mostly, these moods are embarrassing. I feel like a toddler that can't get over a tantrum. I try so hard to control them, but it really feels physically out of my control. I'll go for a run and feel angry the entire time, usually quit before my goal is over because my negative thoughts are so controlling.

They happen once or twice a month or so, the only known trigger is lack of sleep - but I've been sleeping OK lately. This week, I've been in a toxic Tazmanian devil mood for the past 3 days, and my entire family has noticed. My Dad asked what to do to make it better and I said "I don't know." I truly don't. It feels out of my control. If I felt like this all the time I'd be much more aggressive about getting to the bottom of it, but it sweeps through me and then it's gone, and I figure it was just PMS/sleep/situational. Rinse and repeat.

I've been Googling "bad moods that feel out of control" and the like, but it only lands me on PMS, pregnancy and sleep hygiene articles. I want to connect with people who know what I am talking about. It's so exhausting and like I said, embarrassing to experience around other people because I cannot control it. I don't want to be mean or snap toward people.

Could this have anything to do with the bipolar diagnosis my new psychiatrist gave me, and being mistreated for it?

[frogfish]

Hi @curbyourdepression,

Just found this forum, and your post has a lot in it that's familiar to me. I've been alternately diagnosed with bipolar or unipolar depression since I was 19, and just this past year at 32 had my latest therapist & psychiatrist agree on the bipolar 2 diagnosis. I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 30. Since then, I've done a lot of reading/listening to podcasts to try to get a handle on these diagnoses and make sense of the symptoms. Anyway, I'm not an expert, but I have read & heard so much about irritability/hypersensitivity as part of both disorders that I hope I can give you some reassurance.

Here's an article from ADDitude Magazine on hypersensitivity irritability in ADHD: https://www.additudemag.com/hypersensit ... with-adhd/
And here's an article about irritability in hypomania: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar- ... hypomania/

I think that what you're describing is almost definitely a symptom of ADHD, bipolar, or both. Which means your psychiatrist should definitely be able to adjust your treatment to help with it.

As another note, I found a lot of ADHD resources helpful both before and after my diagnosis. The ADDitude website is one of those, as well as their ADHD Experts podcast. They have several episodes where psychologists/psychiatrists talk about the combination of ADHD + mood disorders, and what that can look like. I find clinical information helpful, and if you do too it could be good to check out.

I hope this helps, and that you're able to keep moving closer to feeling well.

[curbyourdepression]

Thank you - those articles are super helpful. Getting the new diagnoses of ADHD and bipolar after years of only being diagnosed with just depression has been an eye-opener. I have been keeping a "mood journal" of sorts since I posted this and that has been useful.

[Pollitt]

Glad to hear you're coping with things much better now, curbyourdepression. Keeping a mood journal helped me too. It also helped my doctor too. He was able to see what was exactly happening to me.