YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

First off, it literally has NOT taken everything from me. I have my life, still have my marriage, and my family.

It has taken:
the idea a possibility of having a well off career
the possibility of having a child with my own genes
countless relationships
projects that I wanted to complete and can't
my mental ability to think to my full capacity
my artistic ability or desire to be artistic
my healthy weight body

I could go on..... but I am moving on.

It has given me a few things also.
For example it has taught me extreme emotional control. Frankly the things I feel are so intense at times, and I chose to not act or entertain them. It takes an describable amount of self control which is learned through practice.
It has also given me a large amount of empathy for people

But here is the thing. I am tired of being that victim. Super tired of it infact. Yes it sucks hard that I have biploar disorder and that it has limited certain things for me and at times removed the options completely. BUT SO WHAT!!!.. it doesn't mean I am worthless, or unable to enjoy my life. I have always wanted to be one of those people when you look at them your like... "Wow! She's a survivor!!!"..... and when I think about everything I have accomplished despite the fact of having this illness it is clear as day to me.... Damn, I am pretty awesome!

Here is the thing....... If it were cancer..... you would easily and effortlessly get recognition for your hard work and struggles..... You could open up... and share and the support and rewards would FLOOD IN!!!...

BUT it is NOT cancer. It IS MENTAL ILLNESS!!!... and.. first rule about mental illness...You don't talk about mental illness. (Fight club) .. Right? You just don't. You might select people in your life and let them know. But there is ALWAYS limitations to what you share. If it were cancer..... there is no need for holding back. Let the flood gates open.

It is seriously the silent suffering illness.... You can't get the support most people enjoy and benefit from.... but yet you are expected to be healthy and find a way to get there anyways. It is like expecting a construction worker to build a house with out a hammer and nails.......

Anyways.... sick of being the victim, but it seems to be the only story that makes any sense... I honestly would like to open a different book. With the title as "Survivor!"

Clearly.... I can not be what I always hoped to be. BUT, I do not want to let it stop who I can be TODAY, with the circumstances I am in right now.

I should mention..... that just because I have empathy for others...... doesn't mean I can't sometimes hate everyone globally. I can't stand how we treat eachother, and I can't stand the fact that people have made it so that I have to suffer silently. There is a great deal of anger towards the general population as a whole.

Individually..... looking at people separately, I can find empathy for them and their lives.

I don't always have this hate.... but often times when I am dealing with really hard things I do feel it deeply. Mostly because I am mad that I am forced to do this alone.

Hi forskyla

There are times I'm just sick and tired of being bipolar and I'd give anything to have a normal life. The disease has taken away a lot from me. Too much to recount here.

But lately I'm starting to come around to the idea that it's a part of me that adds to what I am. It gives me a lot of things - creativity, passion, lust, empathy, a depth of emotional experiences - that I wouldn't have (or have as intensely) if I weren't bipolar.

I guess it's a balancing act. I'm trying to stay on the high wire.

I've spent a great deal of my adult life trying to balance this illness and who I truly am also. Especially the last 2-5 years. More intensely the last 2 years.

I think the fact is that we have to make our expectations realistic.

It's hard to fight against something that lives on the inherent strength of one's own convictions. I've been dealing with Bipolar 1 for about 28 years, now. Yes, I had a major relapse and my career was completely derailed. I've lost friends and homes because I couldn't handle mundane responsibilities. I couldn't join the military. The physical issues are myriad.

The hardest aspect for me is that emotion and the sense of reality are so subjective that I wonder how well-adjusted I really am. Have I ever really been in love? I don't know. Something can feel absolutely real one minute and evaporate with a mood change. I'm not a victim of this chemical quirk of my brain; I'm aware of it. It's just another thing I have to factor into my particular reality.

I'm fine, though. I have a house, a degree, and a decent job. I don't think about the job I could have had, because that's not real. I don't curse myself because I can fly in my dreams but I have to walk when I'm awake. No one should be so hard on themselves.

I'm that person that people look at and say, "YOU are bipolar?"

I say, "Yeah. If my behavior doesn't fit your idea of a bipolar person, you probably need to adjust your ideas."