YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I rave recently started treatment for bi-polar. I have not seed a pdoc since my mid to late twenties and I was then taking ADD meds. I was depressed when I made the appointment. By the time my appointment rolled around I had suddenly snapped out of a 3 month bout of depression. I felt happy. I found some hope. I was gonna get me a script for a happy pill and something to help me sleep. I had a lot of anxiety about going but excitement too. I'm the type that likes to point at the calander. "If I can just make it till my Birthday" "You will feel better after the Holidays" "This week is not good for me to be needy burden anyone" sometimes it works out but most times there's just another date. So I built up this "appointment" in my head to be a rebirth or awakening, my so called "come to God moment". I ended up getting called something that I don't understand but also makes perfect sense. I felt confused but relived. I was and still am very afraid. I have an "idea" of what bipolar is I have had mental illness around me all my life. My problem is my "idea" of BP is not a healthy on but one of a spouse living with a rapid cycler. Anyhow things have been worse and I have been riding this tidal wave of emotion for ten days now. I don't know if its the meds or the BP I feel very unstable emotionally. I started on 100 mg of seroquel and it made everything nice and "quiet" I slept well and felt like I had overdosed on Benedryl all day. Next night I had horrible dreams that had me waking up anxious, irritated, and fidgety. Then full blow mania for two days. Meds put me to sleep but didn't help the mania at all. So after a week I double up. Drs orders. Slept well like week one day one. I worry because all my symptoms and side effects seem to be on the same arch. I am a stay at home dad. I'm trying to get myself right for my family and because I deserve to be happy.
I don't understand any of this or what's going on but I am very scared. I just keep wishing to be depressed. It's a lot more comfortable, it easier to hide, and its not so scary.

I guess I'm not sure how this works. I'm feeling incredible guilt and shame for posting what I did. Probably just going to end up taking it down. These last two weeks have been such a whirlwind. I guess I was hoping for a lot more instant gratification. I'm very scared. I asked the Pdoc for help finding a therapist but was so manic I'm not even sure what her answer was. All I know is that I am dealing with all this with no tools, coping skills or strategy. I feel like I have been in nothing but crisis mode since I have been to the doc. Somebody just say something nice or give me an atta boy or just plain tell me to fuck off. Somebody, anybody, please. I feel like I'm supposed to be here but am not going to keep comming back if I feel invisible.
At least just say Hi so I know there a really people here.

Hang in there. Really, it does get better. Or at least more manageable.

I was diagnosed last April - BP 2 with Rapid Cycling. I spent a good six months bouncing off of the walls - frightening my kids and my wife. The diagnosis was a relief but also terrifying.

I'm in therapy now and doing much better. I finally feel settled.

We're here for you.