YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So I'm in a bit of a predicament. There is about 3 weeks left until I am done, graduated from University and I should be excited. Instead, I am scared of what lies beyond the life of a college student. I am so anxiety ridden, certain projects have been pushed to the side because I can't deal with trying to tackel them. If I don't finish these projects, I won't graduate. If this is the case I may lose control of myself and hurt myself, or worse. So I'm not excited, and my recent mental state as of late has certainly been triggered my these issues but this isn't the first time I've experienced problems.

I've had issues with depression before, the earliest I can remember is pre-puberty/middle school when I was waiting for the bus and I noticed that nothing felt real, and I couldn't remember how long things had been like that. Then 8th grade I tried to kill myself and then the Second and third year of university... well, they were just a mess. I am questioning if I am depressed or bipolar. I researched it, and it seems like all the symptoms match up exactly, especially when I read about mixed episodes. However, I have a friend who told me about her experiences with being bipolar and my case isn't as extreme as her's. However, I am done minimizing my internal clutter and drama, as suicidal ideations and the urge to hurt myself are now a near daily issue for me. As well I am so over making an ass of myself in front of my classmates, straining my personal relationships, and fucking up at work. I spoke to a friend and she is "making" me see a doctor. I don't have a doctor I trust, or a counselor, and I have a great deal of trouble communicating verbally with anyone these days... so I don't know how to get the drugs and help I need. I already saw a doctor this semester who prescribed me antidepressants that really messed with my head and I really can't have that happen again.

How does one approach a doctor with these sort of intangible symptoms?
What techniques and habits could I do to help myself?
What should I do to maximize the little remaining time at this amazing school, so I can get my work done?
What do I do if I fail?
Should I apologize to those who I may have made offside (often sexual) comments to?
Should I apologize to my friends for isolating myself?
If I apologize, should I just full disclosure explain my personal situation?

Any advice will be much loved.

As someone who's been through a Bachelor's and a Master's, let me say this - I understand the anxiety because I love school. Leaving that behind is fucking HARD. It's not really about independence, or being on your own...it's....almost like leaving a piece of your identity behind.

First, you need to ignore your brain telling you not to trust doctors. You have a counseling facility on campus - call them and schedule an appointment. The facility consists of graduate and post-graduate students working all under the supervision of their advising committee. If they don't feel they can be of service to you, they can refer you to another counselor in the facility or to a low-cost/free/paid facility off-campus. The campus service is free.

You have trouble verbalizing your problems, so print out this page and bring it to your initial session. They'll give you a "test" or psychological profile to fill out, the counselor will score it, and then you guys will talk about the evaluation and where to go from there. Give them this page.

THAT is my best recommendation. You've opened up a large box of possibilities here and I can't honestly answer your question because I don't know you. What worked for me won't work for you.

But, until you call that counselor, I can give you what I did to help myself and you can explore from there.

I had trouble focusing and finding motivation to do my thesis. What saved me was taking all the work and breaking it up into pieces. Before I left campus, I'd get all I needed in terms of research materials and go home. I'd break up my studying into 15 minute segments. While I studied, I'd walk around, stand, lunge, etc. - it sounds ridiculous, but it helped me focus. The 15 minutes wasn't daunting. After those 15 minutes I would take a 15 minute pause and do something else...it was usually exercise-related, but something that takes your mind "away" for awhile.

It was more time-consuming because I'd cycle all day long, but I got the work done.

As for friends, well, one essentially came to my rescue. After a few months of isolation, she never gave up on inviting me places....and then one day I called her because I needed a ride home from the looney bin.

You can be honest. You don't have to disclose everything. Say you're having a hard time and you've been too upset to talk to anyone and ask for their patience. You can tell them how you're feeling - people who love you will rally around you, surprisingly, even after months of isolating and pushing them away.

Also, keep a journal. Print off the pages sometimes and take them with you to counseling sessions. I have trouble verbalizing issues as well, but a journal helped me open those doors - I didn't have to actually SAY it. It eased the tension.


There are some tools to begin with. I'd heavily, heavily advocate your campus counseling center. This feels trivializing to say, I know, but these emotions and experiences are very common and the counseling centers are very equipped to deal with it. They can give you a base with which to start and your counselor can help you with your unique individual issues.

Ya. My 20s sucked. It took 20 years to figure it out for my own personal physiology. One BIG thing is sleep. When in the hospital a vividly recall a Bipolar say "if I could have just gotten to sleep, I would have been fine." A few years later I randomly mentioned "things" to a stranger and he explained a friend had it and said "as long as I get a good night sleep every night, I'm fine. Both incidents were probably a person's denial but it was still good advice. Later I heard Dr. Drew during a LoveLine talk tell someone to use Benadryl to help them sleep and it works.

For anxiety use square breathing. Breath in for a 4 count. Hold for a 4 count. Breath out for a 4 count. Hold for a 4 count. It's not a medication solution but it's should help.

The awkward moments are just normal. Growing up is awkward. All the stupid things I said turned out to be the best things that ever happened to me.

Alcohol is a depressant so DON'T drink!

Does the depression kick at certain times during the year? I just wonder if it's due to a lack of sunlight. Probably not but something to think about. Overtime you'll figure it out. Vitamin D supposedly also helps. Be sure to exercise.

Definitely go to therapy if you can afford it. It takes time to figure out the right medication. Luckily Prozac is cheap.

You're smart and young. I promise you WILL work it out. Until you do, don't kill yourself. Your 30s will be 1000 better.