Shame
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 10:22 am
I have and continue to struggle with a situation. I have had a weird life sexually. No abuse; however, I have had some bad, "heart-hurting" experiences with women I've dated that have made me pretty sensitive to my sexual "ability" I guess.
I am recently married. I love my wife and loved the excitement of being engaged. During our engagement, my old company asked me to come back and work for them and I accepted. It was a great opportunity.
After a month or so, a female co-worker/friend came by my desk as I was working late that night and asked if I wanted to go grab a beer. I initially didn't think much of it but after a couple of drinks it was clear there was something going on. I felt like I was being seduced. She was overtly flirtatious, but I certainly wasn't receptive. I liked the attention as I had occasionally fantasized about this women for years; however she had always been married. At this time though she was currently going through a divorce. She admitted that she had fantasized about me and we both talked about how there had been so much sexual tension between us at work.
I made the terrible decision of sleeping with her that night and continuing an affair with her over the next several months. It was infectious; much of it was purely driven by sexual desire and as time went on I felt like we argued more and the thought of it being anything more than a sexual attraction faded quickly. I also felt ashamed where as she didn't seem to be that bothered by what we were doing. Shame from the very start and it grew as the time passed. Eventually I came clean with my then-fiance. I felt terrible about the possibility of her entering into a marriage with me without knowing this. It simply seemed wrong. She has forgiven me. We love one another outside of just a sexual relationship and she has been incredible in terms of being a person I can count on for support.
We worked through things and have become stronger because of it.
At work, things are a different story. The "other woman" has always been upset and combative about my decision not to call off the wedding and start a relationship with her. While we were intimate, I did have some form of feelings (love?) for her. I can't simply sleep with someone if I know them (for a duration of time) and not develop that. She seems to think she was used. I opened up to her. I shared with her things that made me vulnerable including my depression/bi-polar and the medication I was taking. Things even my own family doesn't know.
Months have passed. I check her work email occasionally. I know I shouldn't but it has become a compulsion. I have found her discussing the ordeal with another female co-worker. They both share (and seem to derive some pleasure) from running me down through personal attacks (what I wear, what I eat, my weight) as well as my professional stature in the office (when I take vacation, how dependable I am, my competency)...most of the time very ignorantly. She told this other woman about me being on medication. I know this after reading a painful remark of "...maybe he's off his meds." I am still adjusting and learning to accept the fact that I'm on medication (about a year now) and so I am somewhat sensitive to the topic. As this went on, both women would pretend to be nice to my face; however, I couldn't help but withdrawal from having any contact with them if avoidable. Eventually I told the women I had the affair with to just leave me alone. That if it wasn't work-related, we didn't need to have any individual contact. That I didn't trust her, felt she was two-faced, knew all I needed to know about her and that I didn't have room for people like her in my life.
She is now trying to reconcile with her husband, less than a year after finalizing the divorce.
I still struggle with having a physical attraction to her a little, but her actions since the affair have practically disgusted me. We use to be friends and I feel like that loss has been difficult for me to deal with more than anything. Obviously this has made work life difficult and I know it's by my own hand...or in this case, dick.
I do the best I can do block her out and the incident and do the best work I can. Some days are easier than others.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
I am recently married. I love my wife and loved the excitement of being engaged. During our engagement, my old company asked me to come back and work for them and I accepted. It was a great opportunity.
After a month or so, a female co-worker/friend came by my desk as I was working late that night and asked if I wanted to go grab a beer. I initially didn't think much of it but after a couple of drinks it was clear there was something going on. I felt like I was being seduced. She was overtly flirtatious, but I certainly wasn't receptive. I liked the attention as I had occasionally fantasized about this women for years; however she had always been married. At this time though she was currently going through a divorce. She admitted that she had fantasized about me and we both talked about how there had been so much sexual tension between us at work.
I made the terrible decision of sleeping with her that night and continuing an affair with her over the next several months. It was infectious; much of it was purely driven by sexual desire and as time went on I felt like we argued more and the thought of it being anything more than a sexual attraction faded quickly. I also felt ashamed where as she didn't seem to be that bothered by what we were doing. Shame from the very start and it grew as the time passed. Eventually I came clean with my then-fiance. I felt terrible about the possibility of her entering into a marriage with me without knowing this. It simply seemed wrong. She has forgiven me. We love one another outside of just a sexual relationship and she has been incredible in terms of being a person I can count on for support.
We worked through things and have become stronger because of it.
At work, things are a different story. The "other woman" has always been upset and combative about my decision not to call off the wedding and start a relationship with her. While we were intimate, I did have some form of feelings (love?) for her. I can't simply sleep with someone if I know them (for a duration of time) and not develop that. She seems to think she was used. I opened up to her. I shared with her things that made me vulnerable including my depression/bi-polar and the medication I was taking. Things even my own family doesn't know.
Months have passed. I check her work email occasionally. I know I shouldn't but it has become a compulsion. I have found her discussing the ordeal with another female co-worker. They both share (and seem to derive some pleasure) from running me down through personal attacks (what I wear, what I eat, my weight) as well as my professional stature in the office (when I take vacation, how dependable I am, my competency)...most of the time very ignorantly. She told this other woman about me being on medication. I know this after reading a painful remark of "...maybe he's off his meds." I am still adjusting and learning to accept the fact that I'm on medication (about a year now) and so I am somewhat sensitive to the topic. As this went on, both women would pretend to be nice to my face; however, I couldn't help but withdrawal from having any contact with them if avoidable. Eventually I told the women I had the affair with to just leave me alone. That if it wasn't work-related, we didn't need to have any individual contact. That I didn't trust her, felt she was two-faced, knew all I needed to know about her and that I didn't have room for people like her in my life.
She is now trying to reconcile with her husband, less than a year after finalizing the divorce.
I still struggle with having a physical attraction to her a little, but her actions since the affair have practically disgusted me. We use to be friends and I feel like that loss has been difficult for me to deal with more than anything. Obviously this has made work life difficult and I know it's by my own hand...or in this case, dick.
I do the best I can do block her out and the incident and do the best work I can. Some days are easier than others.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
