YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I had an interesting thought last night that sparked a weird series of ideas.

Do you sometimes feel like your manic depression is like another person? I don't mean another person that's apart from you, but just like another person who resides in your head. I had this analogy pop into my head last night. My brain sometimes feels like a cab. In my manic state, I'm the driver, but the car barely has brakes and won't stop unless I crash into something. This leads to my depressed states, which feel like a cabbie has taken over. I tell the cabbie what I need to do, but he just drives to the strip club and makes me pay for all his dances, and then when we leave, he punches me in the face.

I know this is a weird thought, but it both amused me and scared me. I don't like the idea of not having control of my own actions, and it seems my depression constantly drives me somewhere I don't want to be, only to cause me financial problems and physical pain. This led me to think about naming the cabbie. Then I thought of the consequences of doing so.

On one hand, it might be easier to deal with an abstract set of feelings if they're given a name, making them more concrete. I don't know the psychology behind that, but it seemed a good idea.

On the other hand, doing so could make it seem like I'm pinning my shortcomings on a scapegoat. "Oh that wasn't me, that was (insert name here)." It seems like a cop out to those who may or may not understand manic depression.

Am I the only one whose had weird thoughts like this? Am I right or wrong with my assumptions?

I am no expert, but I believe this idea is something like the concept of "disassociation".

But yeah, I've experienced the same thing.

When I was unemployed this summer (shiver), I came to identify three selves: one was a go-getter, one was exhausted and sad, and I forgot who the third guy was.

Anyway, each "me" represented an expectable mood/feeling, so I could disassociate (observe) my actions, and understand.

"Disassociation" is a loaded word, but it can be useful.

I recently heard an author interview where the author had named their depression and I think its kinda common to do that in some form (my darkness, my cloud, the illness is even a distancing term).
I am no expert at all but I think its because the story of who we are/who we think the world is when depressed is so different, its like another narrator stepped in and rewrote everything so we do and don't feel its us....
whatever an us is inside one head

Yeah, I do the same thing. I can usually feel a major depression coming on; it starts mild but after a day or two it grows into what I call a "Black Mood". It helps me to think of these dark episodes as something separate from myself, since I know they won't last and after a week or so I'll be back to my normal, peaceful self. I'm no expert but I think this falls under disassociation, but if it helps, what the heck, right?

When I feel it coming on, it's like it's stalking me. That's how I refer to it - as something that's following me, just at the edge of my vision.

Then I go into what I call the schmoopy phase - I want to curl up on the couch, under a blanket and feel all schmoopy and sorry for myself.

When I'm hypomanic, I'm just an asshole.

This is a reply to what your therapist said about having an inner life. Do others not have the same inner fight? It's my weekly, sometimes daily tradition of arguing on two completely different perceptions of every experience I have. I'm doing it right now.
In regards to the well put analogy, I find that I have extremely similar feelings when it comes to how much control I have over each emotion/phase. For me the manic episode is more powerful than the depression. When my manic episode ends, usually abruptly, I can completely separate myself from any actions I made during that time period. I feel like two different minds.