YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I was in a very tense relationship with someone a while back, and I begged them to get treatment for their bipolar. He was pretty abusive with me when he got into his depressive states because his depression often came out as anger. They argued with me the whole time about it, but eventually took a screening test and it came back positive-- just when was going to go to the doctor to get help, he turned on me again made it all my fault. He didn't like my ultimatums, he was paranoid about stuff that never happened that he thought I did and I was "obviously" only trying to change him by making him go to the doctor. Even though he kept saying he was depressed and miserable and how he hated his life (and then rushing off to Vegas in the middle of the night), he LIKED how he was and who he was. He said a few times that he thought he should be hospitalized but would never do anything about it. A few friends said he was just covering for the fact that he was scared to get treatment.


So, now six months later after we broke up, I hear his life has turned around completely. He's moving across the country to be with his family (which has always been where the grass was always greener in his eyes-- and who always were a bunch of enablers in my eyes who told him that he shouldn't get help for his disorder), he's hanging out more with his friends, he's going on bike rides like he used to before we met... from what our mutual friends say everything is right as rain for him now, though one person who I asked did say he said things are a mix of good and bad so at least he's not manic anymore.


I still wonder if he'll get the help he needs, but now I'm sitting here wondering if you can cure bipolar just by doing the things in your life that you think will fix it (moving, breaking off a relationship, hanging out with friends more)? I'm feeling tremendous guilt thinking that I actually caused what mutual friends said almost was a psychotic break. And I think some people are blaming me for both the abuse he inflicted on me, and the fact that he almost did have a break. My new boyfriend tried to tell me last night not to believe what people are saying and that people who are sick are just sick no matter where they end up if they don't get treatment-- but I still feel guilty. I feel like I caused it all.

No, you cannot cause bipolar illness in other people. It's possible that emotions that one might feel for another person can exacerbate ill behaviors - for instance, when you're afraid of love and vulnerability, it's easy to lash out and try to get people to walk away so you don't have to face those feared emotions. But, it is not the singular cause of an illness. If your friend says "he's not manic anymore" maybe you had your relationship during a manic episode.

So, short answer, no, you did not cause his bipolar.

How old is he?

He made a ton of positive moves:

1. Being close to family gave him a supportive network.
2. Not having to worry about a place to live and money greatly reduces stress. (I'm guessing he isn't working)
3. He started exercising. This helps with his depression.
4. He's not in a relationship which can cause stress.
5. He's older and wiser.

Without actually knowing him, my best guess is he is in between mood swings. When the stress of life kicks in, he'll be back to his old ways. Currently, he's having a fun, stress free summer. Be happy for him. If I had to guess, the relationship didn't work out because he ready yet. He needs to deal with his issues first, which will take a few years.