YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi, I am a single father of two boys. My oldest has, over the last couple years, been showing increased signs of mania and mood swings. He was finally diagnosed this last month as having BiPolar Type 2. While we are starting to medicate and trying different treatment plans, including a mix of counseling and medications, I am still at the end of my rope on certain things and I do not know what to do. The biggest issue is that he has decided that since he is miserable all the time, that his brother needs to be too, and that it is now his job to make sure it happens. He starts out doing things that you might see as normal pestering, like moving things in his room, interrupting a tv show or talking over him, but then just doesn't stop, just continues on and on until not only his little brother, but me doesn't know what to do or how to make it stop. Several nights his little brother will just come in my room to sleep or sleep on the couch just to get away from his own room because my oldest son won't stop.

These little things build and we get more stressed until it gets to the point that he flips this switch in his head and now he is mad at both of us. Nothing will change that, he is now mad and he will tell us why he is mad, even if he has to make something up. He does it all, we are lazy interruptions to his life. He will look for things he can destroy, throw things, destroy his brothers bedroom, hit both his brother and me. Until it all becomes just too much and the depression switch is thrown. Now he's crying and his world is horrible and nothing can ever make it better. There is no consoling him, there is no making it better, there is nothing I seem to be able to do to break through. He doesn't deserve anything and will take things out of his room that I have given him because he is scum and shouldn't have them. Then suddenly as all the others the classic manic switch comes on and he is wired, awake and has grand ideas. We are going to have everyone over for christmas and all he has to do is spotlessly clean the entire house, or he will be able to do such in such if all he just finishes so and so. He never quite finishes the task he plans, usually because its just too big of a task, but he will stay up and manic for a couple days, mad at anyone that doesn't help him exactly as he wants them too, working to his goal.

There is a point where his goals are all realized as being too big and he is completely defeated and he crashes. What wakes up is my normal kid, apologetic and happy, ready to seize the day. He will stay in this stable apparently regular kid mode for anywhere from the rest of that day to even up to a week, until something flips that first switch where he decides it will be fun to play a joke that he doesn't know when to stop, or pester his brother past when it isn't fun for anyone, or something like that and starts the cycle all over again. These cycles are not a given 24 hours or what have you. Each step can last a new random amount of time each time around. I have seen the entire cycle finish in one day, but in a very stressful long month, I saw it take almost a month to finish.

I tell you all this so you can see exactly what I am seeing in my day to day and trying to deal with. I know that the treatment plans will eventually break through and start giving our family some sort of normalcy and relaxation. I am hoping maybe someone on this forum can give me some advice of what they have experienced with their kids, or even someone that is bipolar and can tell me what you in this horrible cycle know can help from those around you. I don't necessarily want to just stop his cycle. I recognize that he is only doing this because of something he is going through himself and we just tend to take the brunt of some of it as those closest to him, but if there is a way to make it easier on him so that he has less brunt to put out, I would love that. I know there is no magic pill, and no magic words, that will make my boy better over night, but when he is doing this it kills me to see him hurting and in his pain hurting my other son. I want to get through to him and help him and make him realize that I am here to help not working against him.

Sorry this was so long, thank you for reading and thank you in advance for any advice you might give.

The fact that you can objectively see his illness is manifesting in these behaviors is remarkable. Having that perspective is good - not a relief, but a part of compassion.

Has he been in counseling long enough that you could schedule a meeting with his counselor for advice? Are you and your family seeing a counselor at all on how to handle this? If anything, maybe a support group of people in similar situations might be a great benefit. Ask his counselor (or your counselor) if they can connect you with good resources in the area.

In the meantime, perhaps have a little less idle time until he and his counselor have established good coping mechanisms. Explore new hobbies as a family, perhaps with just you and your son alone (which might gave your youngest one some peace), or enroll him in some after-school activities (music lessons, gym membership, sports, etc). If he's having some anger issues, maybe a sport that involves physical and mental focus would be of help (rock climbing, martial arts).

A bit of daily structure might help. Give him a routine and something he can expect regularly - many, MANY bipolar people need structure to help them maintain mental homeostasis, if you will. Marya Hornbacher's book, "Madness," is an amazing account first-hand of her bipolar, and while hers is more extreme, you could probably get some great ideas on what to do with your own son.

And don't forget - take care of you, too. Take some time out for yourself so you can be "together" and strong for your son as he grasps illness management. I'm so impressed you were able to get him help at a young age and admire you so greatly for having empathy and wanting to help your child. So many parents don't even get as far as recognizing there is a problem.

I want to add - don't be afraid of discipline. He may not be able to understand or realize the problem at hand - his cognition may not be as receptive due to the illness. Don't go overboard, of course, but letting him know when he steps out of line is important, and when he gains some foothold he'll probably begin to understand why you opted to discipline him in certain situations.

It may be important to add that I don't know how to do that. He acts like he doesn't care. The "ok take that away I still have" blank. Then when angry its thrown back at me as proof of how bad he is or how horrible I or he is. Then he will get to the point to want to earn it back but only on his terms, trying to negotiate his punishment, or if he's told to clean room x he will clean room y and expect the punishment to end.

I want to commend you, blaxilver, for asking for advice and taking stock of what's going on in your house. That's extremely brave of you to do and your children are lucky to have a thoughtful dad.

I think the number one thing is that you continue to be kind and have patience with your son. He's going through a scary time too and he needs to know as much as possible that he isn't alone. I think you also need to try and find some people his age that have bipolar or other mental health issues. What helped me most when I was first diagnosed was having a friend who had bipolar too (although it was Type One, I'm type 2 as well). I'm trying to think of other things but I'm coming up blank. I just know that the biggest thing I struggle with, even now, is feeling alone with my disorder. Bipolar makes you feel like you're on an island in the middle of nowhere especially when you're rapid cycling, like your son is right now. I think you also need to reach out to your other son too. He's got to be confused and maybe feeling left out because his brother is getting a lot of attention. So long as they both know that you're there, that's one step forward.

One book that helped me is Take Charge of Bipolar: A 4 Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones. There's a big mixture of factors that help with managing and living with bipolar and that means making sure that medications are right, sleep hygiene is good, exercising regularly, etc. It would be good to make doubly sure that these habits are in place while he's living with you so that it's common place when he lives alone.

I think the best advice I can give you, from someone that is bipolar, is stop reinforcing him when he's manic. When everyone around you tells you it's amazing that you just cleaned the house and accomplished things that are not conquer able, they reinforce the worst time for you to be reinforced. That is when he's the most dangerous to himself. When you see the intense mania, that's when you need to be hyper vigilant. A person with extreme energy is more likely to hurt themselves and others than a person that cannot get out of bed. That's when the split decisions happen. You're allowed to be upset and hurt by his actions. It's ok to tell someone when they are being crazy, just recognize it sooner. The mean stuff is not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of him. If you can all see when it's happening, you can help make the crash a little softer. Thank you for being such an awesome dad. I wish I had a family like yours.